Sacrifice

 Writing is therapy for me. I mean, I have gone to counseling several times before but writing helps me as well.  I am struggling and feel like I am having an anxiety attack. It is after 1000 and I can't go to sleep even though I know it would help. I feel like there is alot on my plate and I don't see an end in sight. I just see it getting worse as time goes on. I want to handle things better. I guess I will just write till I feel better. 

Lately I have been thinking about sacrifice. In the Temple, we make covenants (promises with God) to sacrifice for the building up of the kingdom. What does that mean? I think it means that we are willing to do God's will even if it is hard. Sacrifice is hard. I don't think sacrifice is just for this life as we, in the Temple, do proxy work for those who have passed on. Those individuals will have a choice to live those covenants too, obviously in the next life.  Covenants of obedience and sacrifice.

In the song "praise to the man" there is a line that says sacrifice brings forth the blessings of Heaven. I honestly think the Celestial blessings are that of hard work, service and sacrifice, learning, growing in wisdom and being willing to share all your blessings with others. Sacrifice means doing something difficult for you to do in order to make life easier for others. For with that comes charity and charity and understanding must be some of the ultimate blessings. I can't fully explain it but I will keep pondering on it.  

Right now, I feel like I am sacrificing my sanity and maybe even my health; not necessarily by choice either. But I feel like even though it isn't by choice, I can choose to be willing in this sacrifice. I will try to explain better. 

I am trying to take care of a person who is really struggling (I won't say with what). I can't choose the situation that I am in, but I can be willing to sacrifice, knowing that, even though it is hard, my willingness will bring forth charity and understanding, even if it is not right away. 

The Savior performed the ultimate sacrifices. Because of his Atonement, we can continue to repent and move forward. We can be forgiven, change for the better and have second chances. Life will not end after this life because he willingly sacrificed his own life and then rose again. He is the ultimate example of sacrifice and I am so grateful for his example as I don't always know where to look for an example from people in my life. 

We learn from the Savior's example. We all sacrifice in this life. We sacrifice for our family and friends through giving time and service . It can be a blessing to do so in this life if we choose to let it be. Can it not be a blessing in the next? 

At my cousin's funeral this summer, her brother said he could picture his sister in the premortal world, offering to sacrifice and come home early, so that ALL her family could go back home to their Heavenly Father. That was her desire. I desire to be like that.

I am not perfect and am not always willing, but I desire to be, and that is a start. I will continue in that direction. 

I feel much better now. And I am getting tired. 

Goodnight.

Fall Time 2024

It has been a busy Fall so far and a rather temperate Fall at that. The flies were not too bad this year (or we are just getting used to them) but they did come out in September and stayed that month as the weather was so nice. It was also nice this October and most of November. The first snow fall came Nov 5th but only stayed a day. We also had snow yesterday on Nov 18th but it is almost gone. The sun has been out and you can hear the dripping of the melted snow off the roofs. Lizzy and I went to Alphabet soup today. It runs for 6 weeks on Tuesday, taking the place of Time for Rhymes during that time. The little kids play games and get to cut up food items like cheese. I am trying to cherish my moments with Lizzy before she goes to school. She has been hit and miss at preschool and does not really want to go. She gets very tired from such a long day and still needs to nap a few times a week. So I sometimes just let her come with me when running errands instead of doing preschool. 

One of these errands is going to Lethbridge with Caeleb for Orthodontist appointments. He got them on, on Nov 6th. It has been kind of painful for him but he is slowly getting used to them. 

Caeleb and Selman are doing piano. Selman is very excited about same. I hope he always keeps his excitement about things. Mary took a couple of lessons in October and I should start her up again but she is not as excited. She would rather do Chess club at the library. She and Selman also do the mentorship program on Thursdays at the school. 

Selman and Elizabeth are doing skating on Wednesdays at 5:15. They really love it and I enjoy watching them. It brings back memories of when I took skating lessons at the same rink as a kid. 

Elva is doing singing lessons and enjoying that. She wants to do basketball but is only in grade 6th. Next year Elva.  

Chris and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary on Thursday Oct 24th. I learned the song "Come thou Fount" on the piano to play for him as it is one of his favorite hymns. After school, we picked up the kids and met Camellia in Lethbridge so she could take them to her place. Chris and I then drove to Medicine Hat to stay at a hotel for 2 nights so Chris could go to a Math education seminar on Friday. We stayed at the same hotel that Mom and Dad brought us kids too a few times when we were young. The Medicine Hat Lodge. It has poolside rooms. We did not stay in those this time but I did as a kid. 

Chris and I did enjoy pool time to ourselves, going on the watersides, enjoying our juccuzi tub in our room, watching old movies, going to the resteraunt for supper and breakfasts and going for a walk at midnight that first night to Tim Hortons across the street. Chris plans great hotel trips! After his class at the college on the Friday, we went to the giant Teepee and information center and for a walk. On the Saturday, we left the hotel at 0945 to get to the Cardston temple for the 1:00 Spanish speaking session. Chris wore the earphones for English but I did ok listening to Spanish. I need to practice my spanish more. It was a beautiful get away those two days and the Temple was a great end to it. I love Chris and hope we can make the next 15 years and beyond even better. 

Halloween was a lot of fun and I was impressed how much we were able to do. Caeleb wore a T-shirt that he labeled as "costume," Elva wore the M and M costume that I wore when I was her age, Mary was a witch, Selman was spiderman and Elizabeth was witch Mary's little black cat. We went to the Halloween parade in Champion at 5:30 and then Caeleb drove Lizzy and I around to Margarite Ivarsons, Debbie Middleton's, Lori Airhart, and Donna and Linda Mueller while Elva, Mary and Selman went trick or treating with friends in Champion. We picked them up at 7:00 and then went to Cummin's, Amy and Bev Flitton's, a new neighbor's place (they live in dark haunted like house), Scott and Cindy Middleton's and last but not least, Arren and Roxy Middleton's. Impressively, we were home by 8:30 with happy kids and lots of candy. Only about 6 kids came to our place which was too bad. It was nice that we did not have school the next day.

This last Saturday (Nov 16th), us Watters joined other Watters, Wendy, Oliver, LouAnn, Jared, Eric, Rachel and their kids, to watch the Victoria Royals play the Lethbridge Hurricanes in Lethbridge. It was such a good hockey game and we had a blast cheering on the Royals as they won 3 to 2. LouAnn came to our place on Sunday and will stay till Friday. We have had some great talks and I look up to her wisdom.

This last weekend was the Primary presentation at church (the 17th). It was truly beautiful. Mary practiced hard and was able to read her talk so well and do the closing prayer too. Selman was able to read his lines (Nana practiced with both of them) and Lizzy repeated her sentences nice and loud. Elva (although in YWs) sang a song and did a beautiful job. Caeleb even said how well Mary did. He does so well passing the Sacrament. I am so proud of each of my kids! I will always be proud of them.

I am proud of Chris too but I worry about him. He works so hard and puts in such long hours. I feel like I am so done with going through a new job year after year but that is me being selfish. He is the one that actually has to put in all this effort while I just have to sacrifice time with him. I pray it goes well for him this year and that life gets easier for him in the next year or 2. I continue to work my 2 shifts a week. There are not many shifts to pick up at the center even if I wanted too. I guess my other sacrifice is working 2 weekends out of 4 which means I miss going to church 2 Sundays out of 4.I love going to church so this is hard.  I work every Monday evening now which is nice to get the extra pay for holiday Mondays. But it is hard to work those Sundays. We can do hard things. I keep telling myself that. 

I felt the Spirit as I folded laundry and watch the movie "one good man" today (LDS movie). I cried as the man in the story missed his daughters wedding to be with those who could not go to the wedding. Now that is sacrifice. Sacrifice is hard but it feels true and right. Chris is a good man too. 

Life is good and I think we will soon be getting excited about Christmas. I truly love my chaotic household, even if I simultaneously feel like I am losing my mind so often. 

(update). I have been thinking about the song Have yourself a Merry little Christmas. This morning (Nov 20) I turned on the radio in the van and Christmas music was playing. The first song was just that. Have yourself a Merry little Christmas (saxophone playing and all).  It is my favourite not hymn Christmas song. I picture a cozy little room, with a carpet and a comfy chair, pictures on the wall, darkness except for the light of a lamp or a small crackling fire in a fireplace and a small Charlie brown Christmas tree. A picture of the Savior beside the lamp on the bedside table. It is the picture of a Merry little Christmas in my mind. I love Christmas time. 

Epic Summer Adventures 2024

 It was a beautiful summer! We had a lot of rain in the spring and the crops were beautiful and the grass was green all summer. But it still ended up being not the greatest crop for Mom and Dad. Their neighbor Scott planted peas on the land and when he was harvesting a big windstorm came up and they lost a lot of it. I know Mom is sad as they could have used that money for a few things. But the crop was still ok-ish.

Mom had her birthday on July 1st and as per tradition, we had Korean BBQ. Aunt Marilyn and Uncle Gord and Aunt Brenda and Uncle Gord came for it. Camellia and Doug were here too. We had fireworks that evening on the farm to celebrate Canada day. 

This was the summer for adventure! Camellia and I turned 40 years old on July 10th. It is hard to believe that we are that age. But I feel young and excited for the future. After the kids completed a week of swimming lessons (July 1 - 5th) with me working a lot that week, we moved Rachel and Eric (Chris' brother) and their 3 girls into their home in Lethbridge on my birthday. It was the best way to spend my birthday. To have more family move nearby. The kids are close to each other and we will all become even closer as family and friends. 

On July 15th, we met Camellia and Doug near Fort Mcleod to begin an epic adventure. A bucket list Motorhome trip. We all went in on it together to rent from Doug's brother and he gave us a good deal. We picked it up at 1200 and Chris and I drove behind in our van. For the next 13 days/12 nights we traveled around the western States. 

Our first night was in Cour de Alane Idaho and we spent Tuesday and Wednesday at Silverwood amusement park. First day was the rides and second day was the water park. The big kids really enjoyed the 5 rollercoasters. Even Selman went on the small roallercoaster. We left the park at 7:00 on Wednesday evening and drove until 1030 when we encountered a dust storm somewhere in Washington state. We pulled over by a dusty old gas station/truck stop area and all 14 of us crowded into the RV that night. Caeleb and Stirling had the bunk bed, I was on the floor with Lizzy and Mary, Liam had the couch, Porter and Selman always had the table bed, Chris and Elva were in the loft and Camellia, Doug Evelyn and Russell slept in the back bed. There were 3 nights that we all crowded into the RV and although it was cozy, it was fun.

On the Thursday we traveled to Portland and visited an old missionary friend of Camellias. Then we travelled on to the coast and stopped for a seafood supper at a popular coastal restaurant. We continued traveling down the coast that evening until 1000 or so when we came to another campground but we were too tired to set up the tent or a bed in the van, so we crowded into the RV again. 

Friday morning was spent at the Sea lion caves in Oregon which were fascinating, looking at hundreds of sea lions big and small. We later stopped for lunch at a beach and played in the waves for a bit. Then we crossed into the state of California and checked into our KOA campground by Crescent city. 

We celebrated Evelyn's birthday on the Saturday and went to the Trees of Mystery tourist attraction in the Redwoods. Those redwood trees are massive, and we didn't even see the biggest ones. We got to walk on a pathway built up high in the trees and we took a gondola up to see the trees from above. We later went to a beach by Cresent City and played again in the ocean waves. Then back to the campground so the kids could play on the very large tree stumps that were there. 

Sunday morning, we went to sacrament meeting in Cresent city and then we started a very long 14-hour drive through the forests of California and Oregon which turned into the desert of Oregon and Nevada. A most beautiful spot on our drive was close to the border between Oregon and Nevada where we drove through a vast and lonely desert valley and up a large hill. On top of the hill we stopped and watched the sun set while we ate supper outside of the RV. It was a gorgeous site looking out into the nothingness of the desert with the hues of orange and yellow on the horizon.  

We stopped at a truck stop that night at 1:00 AM and all crowded into the RV to sleep. Doug started driving the RV about 7:00 in the morning and half asleep, I yelled out, "wait, we need the van too." But he was just driving us to a nearby waste station to empty the RV tanks. After another breakfast of cereal in the RV, we drove all morning and early afternoon to reach Bear Lake Utah. We were able to spend that evening and the next 2 days with our Woolf cousins and it was so wonderful to see them all. It had been 8 years since we saw Laura and almost 7 years since I had seen Sarah when I visited her in Boston. We saw Heather too and their spouses and Aunt Marilyn, Uncle Gord and almost all their Grandkids. We swam in the lake and in the pool. Aunt Marilyn rented a few kayaks for people to use. We visited and went to the pop shop and to a mini golf course at their resort. We spent 3 nights at a campground about 25 minutes around the lake and enjoyed the lake from that side too. We set up our tent for those 3 nights. 

On the Thursday, we got up and left for Idaho. We reached Rexburg Idaho about 2:00 pm and went on to St Anthony where we spent a couple of nights at Doug's sisters house. Some of us slept in the house, some of the kids slept in the tent and I slept in the RV with a few kids. We were going to go to Yellowstone on the Friday but the farthest we made it that day was Mesa falls (I visited there several times as a young adult going to BYUI). We also went to the sand dunes that day (I also went there as a student) and the big kids went to a rodeo that evening. 

We left for home by 0800 am on Saturday, drove through west Yellowstone town on the way home and our two families spit up in Helena. Camellia and Doug had to fix a tire on the RV there and Chris and I needed to make it home for me to work a day shift on Sunday. 

It was a wonderful trip with our two families. We love the Nelsons so much and we are grateful that our kids are close and have had these memories together. 

We spent the last week in July at home on the farm (except for Caeleb who went to FSY). I worked a lot that week, but we were able to visit our Lethbridge Watters cousins a few times and I even took Selman on a mommy son date to the southland leisure wave pool on the Monday when we were dropping Caeleb off at FSY. We went swimming in Champion a couple of times that week and prepared for our next adventure to Victoria. On Friday after work I was a first responder to a serious accident and was able to assess a lady with a head injury and wait with her for the ambulance. She was awake and doing ok but it was a little traumatic. 

On Saturday August 3, Chris and I loaded up the kids at 5:00 AM and picked Caeleb up from FSY at the U of C at 0730. Then we spent a long day in the car (our family is so good at long drives) and got to the Ferries by 5:00 pm. We made it on that Ferry and were to the parent's place by 7:00 PM. Amazing! We spent 2 weeks there so Chris could work on Eagle propane's computer system. We were able to see Kurt again which was so wonderful as he has not spoken to our family in more than 4 years. We drove him up to his home in Comox on the Tuesday and did not get home until after midnight. Us girls in the family were able to go to Nanaimo to take Aunt Mary out to lunch (who just retired at age 60 from nursing). Oh, goodness, I am halfway there, halfway done my career. I can do this! We had Suz's kids for the 2nd weekend in Victoria and took them swimming to Durrance lake on the Saturday and to church on Sunday. We also went to a spray park with them, and I think Wyatt and Brooklyn are getting to be better friends with my kids. 

Chris spent a morning with us going to the Breakwater and then to Gyro park the next day. I took some of the kids mini golfing and Lou Ann took all the kids to Butterfly Gardens (for Elva, it was Burchart Gardens). We were spoiled! Thank you so much. Caeleb and I did do some yard work. And cousin Calvin was working on the yard too. His brother Oliver spent many days playing games with the kids at the parents' house. 

We drove home on August 17th and Wendy and her boys drove out that day too. We spent the next week going to and from Lethbridge to hang out with them as they visited Rachel and Eric. I worked 4 shifts that week but was still able to hang out with them quite a bit and a highlight was taking Quinton and Calving to the war museum in Lethbridge on Wednesday. We celebrated Eric's birthday on the Thursday by doing mini golf at the movie mill in Lethbridge. We also had Athena, Chris's cousin, stay with us Wednesday and Thursday evening and had a great chat with her. To top it off, Caeleb and Elva did another swimming class in Champion that week, so it was a busy busy but fun week! 

Last week I worked another 4 shifts (Tuesday to Saturday evenings) and Chris spent his time prepping at the school in Vulcan and did Tuesday and Wednesday days in Lethbridge for palliser district orientation. I was able to drop the kids off at Rachels on Tuesday for the night and go watch Chris do Ax throwing for an activity with his district. I spent the night with him at a Hotel (that Palliser district put him up in). It was really nice. 

After my evening shift last Friday and before my Saturday evening shift, Chris and I were able to make a quick trip down to Cardston for an 1100 temple session. The sessions have been shortened to about an hour and 30 minutes but there were a lot of people there so we just had enough time to take my friend Lindsey out for a quick lunch at the Chinese buffet before heading to Claresholm for my shift. It was nice to be able to go to church on Sunday and have a day of rest.  

Monday we had the Gainor's down for chicken killing day (only had 5 to do) and the boys drove the truck and lawnmower while Elliette rode our horse Eva. It was fun to talk to them. 

Tuesday (yesterday) Sept 4th, the kids started school and Chris and I saw them get on the bus before he took off for work in Vulcan and I headed to Claresholm for a work training session (non-violent crisis intervention). Lizzy went to "nana school." She starts preschool on September 23rd and I just don't know what to think about that. My last baby is going to school. I am so proud of my kids, each one of them. They were so happy to go to school yesterday. I hope Caeleb can study hard this year but most importantly be a friend to all around him. He is a pretty chill kid and faces everything that comes his way with optimism. I also love that he still is a kid and has a great imagination. He is in the hallway right now playing Harry Potter with a Chop stick as a wand. I just love that so much. Elva is a worrier like I am. I hope she can channel that into working hard but also to let go the things not in her control and just enjoy each moment. She is a witty Kid and I love the things that come out of her mouth. Mary has been so happy yesterday and this morning. I hope she can keep her growing bubbly (and a little sarcastic) personality, work hard and be a friend to everyone. Even if school is challenging, I hope she will face it head on and do the best she can, NEVER GIVING UP. Selman is always so cheerful but I know several of his friends play hockey and I hope he will be ok with being different. It is ok NOT to do things the others are doing. It is ok to stand up for his interests and values when so many are wanting to fit in. I hope he stays his happy self and cheers up all by showing his irresistible smile. And Lizzy is my little side kick. My baby. I will miss her when she is at preschool (2 days a week), but I hope I can soak up every moment of little in her when she is home and that we can spend many days playing dollys and barbies this year. 

After a busy busy busy summer, I think we are all ready to head back to the routine of school/work. They had a great first day and we were all exhausted last night and were asleep by about 8:30 pm. I pray I can be a good support for Chris this year. He needs the support as he will be going through another evaluation process for teaching. I am so done with him going from job to job to job. I don't know how else to put it. We have spent the last almost 15 years of marriage with him going through many jobs. 10 jobs to be exact. 7 teaching jobs including the one he just started in Vulcan. He has also completed over 5 years of university (He was not working for 3 of those years).  He is amazing with how he has handled it all! I struggle. I hope and pray I can be the wife he needs me to be. 

My cousin Melanie

I ended this post but feel like I just need to come back and talk about a sad part of the summer. My cousin Melanie Munns passed away at age 42. Only 2 years older than me. She left behind a husband and 4 kids ages 11 to 18. I remember playing with Melanie when we were little and her family would come up to visit Grandma in the same brick house that we live in now. I have always felt honored to be part of the Smith family, even if I have felt different at times. I am especially glad for the legacy of faith that my Grandma and Grandpa Smith left as an example to us Grandkids. Although some of these grandkids do not have this faith anymore (I am not sure what hope they have to offer), Melanie did and does! And I look up to her so much. I want to be like her, strong in my faith. 

I had a special spiritual experience the week after she passed away. Her sister mentioned on a facebook post that Melanie will be her family's heavenly angel and that her family will be her earthy hands. When I read that, the spirit testified to me that family relationships do not end after this life. Melanie is working on the other side of the veil to help her family (immediate family and extended -perhaps to include all the human family) while others are helping her do the work that she can no longer do on this earth. She will continue to influence her family and they will influence her. THAT is how it is supposed to be. Working together on both sides of the veil. I believe this can be an amazing blessing in our lives, when we keep this eternal perspective. 

I know, as President Nelson has stated, that salvation is an individual affair... but there is more than that. He also states Exaltation is a family affair. Exaltation is living for OTHERS. There are the Christians in the world who accept Christ because of what he does for them, individually. They think of it as "I am saved," I am sinless," "I get the easy life in Heaven." "It is about what I get out of it." I am not sure why else they worship God. I would like to learn more about why mainstream Christianity worships God. It is amazing when you accept Christ into your life and know that he died for YOU and your sins. It is even more amazing when you know that Christ died for ALL and that he loves all people as much as he loves you and loves them in a way that actually can make sense. This involves perfect understanding and empathy, a perfect balance of justice and mercy. 

Latter Day Saints take a different eternal view. They are not perfect now, but they are trying to help the majority in this life, and the next, to come to Christ and do his will. They will sacrifice eternally for the good of ALL mankind. It is not just about what they get out of salvation in a sinless state. It is about helping everyone get the most out of Salvation. 

This is my testimony. And just as Melanie has faith in Christ and never gave up in this life, she now is on the other side of the veil, continuing to not give up but instead do all she can there for her family and fellow man (through service and song), I too want to do the same. Thank you for your example Melanie. I will be like you. I will never give up my faith in Christ and will use that faith eternally for the good of all mankind. 

Big blessing after 5 years of waiting

We received a big blessing last Thursday! After having an interview last Tuesday and with much prayer and fasting, Chris got offered a probationary job for High school Math teacher at Vulcan county central. We have been on pins and needles since he found out about the job posting after not getting the claresholm job. It turns out, it was a blessing not getting that job as this job is so much better! 

Chris has worked so hard these last 5 years since graduating from the U of C with his teaching degree. He never complains and, as he puts it, he just plugs away day after day and year after year. He is good at that. 

He started out his first teaching job in September of 2019 at a hutterite colony near Brant (45 minute drive away), then he finished that year at Huntsville school (55 minute drive away in Iron Springs). Covid shut down schools in March of 2020 and he worked mostly from home during that time which was a blessing as we were expecting Lizzy and it was nice having him around to help out more. 

2020 to 2021 was a difficult part time temporary job at Claresholm junior high (35 minute away). The kids were coming back to school from the pandemic making it a stressful year for him and the school dissolved his temporary position after the year ended. They did not hire him back.

2021 to 2022 was spent at Nobleford (45 minutes away) and then Milo (starting February). He did not get the Nobleford position until a week or two into September. Milo was tough on Chris having to teach many grades math, science and gym in triple graded classrooms. 

Milo's position (which is 50 minutes away) ended the end of February 2023 and he was on EI and subbing until the end of that school year. I was picking up more shifts and felt blessed to have my second job at the Claresholm Hospital during that time. We started the 2023 school year with no job for Chris and we prayerfully decided to branch out and apply for jobs far away from home. He found the wonderful Druheller job 2 weeks into September and loved working for the Catholic school district there. But it was a very tough year being apart. We both learned alot and it has been a blessing in a way as well. 

And finally he has found a wonderful job in Vulcan. We pray it goes well and can turn into a forever job. 

I don't think I realized how hard this year (and the last 5) have been on me since feeling the relief of him getting this ideal probationary job! In fact it has been a demanding 8 years of our lives as he went back to school 8 years ago and spent 3 years studying hard. We were away from each other for 5 days at a time when we first moved to the farm as he was finishing up school. It total, out of almost 15 years of marraige, we have spent a year of nights apart. 

It has been hard starting out almost every September these last 5 years not knowing if Chris will have a job. I have consistently had to make up the difference picking up extra shifts as needed. We pray he will do well and that it will turn into a permanent job next Spring. Then we will be set and on course for retirement in 20 years or so as long as no other hiccups come our way. 

We feel so blessed and know that God plays a hand in our lives if we let him. 

As Fathers day approaches, I want to say how blessed I feel to have Chris in my life. He is stalwart, a hard worker and he plugs forward in any situation. His optimism carries me far when I tend to be pessimistic. He focuses on the good in people and in life. He is a good example to me and the kids. I am so grateful for him in my life. 

I am also grateful for my Father, Father in law and my brother who plug on in life with the circumstances presented to them. They don't give up. I am grateful to have them in my life.

I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father and the many blessing he has given our family. I hope to share these blessings with those around me.  

General Conference

Chris and I had the opportunity to take the kids to General Conference this spring. I worked Easter weekend and the kids had their visit from the Easter Bunny when I wasn't there on the last Saturday of March. Then we left the Wednesday after for Utah to focus more on the true meaning of Easter - the Savior. We took the white van (without the TV) and the kids did well for the most part. The 3 youngest had their moments. We spent Wednesday, Thursday and Friday evening at my Aunt Marilyn's house in Ogden. It is a beautiful home with the mountains nearby. I am grateful that their home is always open to guests. 

We went on a little hike to Ensign peak and then to the government building and to Temple square to the LDS museum on the Thursday. The Temple is under construction but the grounds still look beautiful. It was a fun day with Aunt Marilyn, my cousin Heather and her daughter Brooklyn. 

It was a rainy day on Friday and we went to Chris' aunt Jan's house for lunch in Far west. She is a great person and it was fun to visit her family.

We came back to Aunt Marilyn's after and had pizza and watched a movie (Wish) with them. I am grateful for mt visits with Aunt Marilyn and Heather. I look up to and learn from them. 

Saturday morning, we dropped Selman and Elizabeth off at Heather's home and headed into Salt Lake for the 1000 session. We sat next to a family from Claresholm and a couple from our ward. It was a beautiful experience and the spirit was strong. I hope the kids felt it and will remember it. I especially enjoyed Elder Hollands powerful talk on prayer. 

On the way out off the Conference center grounds, I had the opportunity to talk to an Evangelical pastor who I have talked to online many times. Evangelicals come to General Conference to persuade as they do not think us LDS are saved. I got a little emotional talking to him. You see, I still dont understand why Evangelicals choose to worship God when they think he will let most people go to a torturous hell because they did not believe correctly. Why does it matter if they are saved when most people are not? Everyone is fallible in this life so why would the one sin that the Savior's atonement not cover, be incorrect theology as to who he is? Why would God accept a fallible rejection of his gospel but not accept a fallible acceptance? No Evangelical friend I have talked too can answer this and I tried to make it clear that God truly is perfectly empathetic and in being so will provide a perfect and sensical mix of justice and mercy. Logically, this means one can not fully and infallibly reject God until that person has a perfect understanding of God. And since we are all fallible in this life and have to walk by faith, that full acceptance or rejection will not come until the next life when we have infallible understanding. Isn't that common sense? I am not sure they listen to me. They are so focused on daming people to Hell, that I can not see their relationship with the Savior. But I know they are children of God and that he loves them very much and always will. I am sure we will all have correction and learning to be had in the next life, myself included. 

We picked up the two Littles and headed for home after conference. We stopped in Butte at 9:00 for the night and went for a little swim at the hotel. Then we left at 0730 ish in the morning and made it home by 2:00 ish in time for the last session of conference. 

Baseball has taken up a good portion of our lives since. The kids are all on a team; Caeleb playing minor, Elva soft ball, Mary and Selman coach pitch and Elizabeth T-ball. After school consists of me shuttling kids to and from practices, YM/YW, Activity days and chess for Mary, piano, singing and riding for Elva. Busy Busy. Probably too busy. I have a hard time saying no. I work my 2 days a week on top of it. I was going to go back to the claresholm hospital working casual in May as Alberta Health Services is restructuring and I am at risk of losing some seniority. I stewed over this for a week or two and then got my answer (from God I believe). I couldn't care less about going back to the hospital right now. I have a wonderful 2 shift a week job at the Center and that is all I need. I can pick up more at the Center as needed (but am not doing that now). I have felt at peace with work ever since.  

Chris applied for a teaching job in Claresholm but did not get it. Maybe it is a blessing in disguise. I guess we shall see. As of now, he is going back to Drumheller in the Fall and although I was sad he did not get the Claresholm job, I am at peace with him being back at Drumheller. It has been a good job (even though we spend an extra $700 or so a month in rent and food for him). 

The kids are busy with school and seem to be enjoying same. Elva went to camp Kiwanis with the grade 5/6 class for a few days in early May and loved it! Mary went to the zoo yesterday with grades 1 - 4 and had a great time. Caeleb tied for first in high jump for district trackmeet last week and will go to zones. Selman loves kindergarten and the Oilers (hockey) as 3 other boys in kindergarten play hockey. Selman will not join them in that but I may put him and Lizzy into skating lessons next year. Lizzy is mommy's little helper at home and still loves her dresses, barbies and dolls. Yesterday Lizzy was a big help in trying to help Papa put his socks on. She is adorable. It is crazy to think she will be 4 on June 20th. 

I was able to go to a Stake Relief Society service activity today. I had a wonderful time and was able to meet a new friend. We fasted for rain in our stake a few weeks ago and it has rained alot since. Everything is so green and we are so blessed. God is good.  

Dear Chris, tender mercy

 Dear Chris,

I just want to tell you about an experience that happened to me yesterday. Actually, I already told you. I just want to write it down. I was exhausted yesterday. I am even more exhausted today Shift work is hard. An evening shift Wednesday, then an night shift following (double shift). Then Friday off and a day shift Saturday. Then off to Saturday evening Stake conference. Then daylight savings happened so one less hour of sleep Saturday night. Then an evening shift Sunday after Stake conference in the morning. 

I was so tired yesterday, I was in tears. Caeleb and Elva came to comfort me. They cried with me in selfless empathy. It was a beautiful christlike experience. I want them to know, especially Caeleb, that it is ok to show emotion. It is ok to cry. It seems like men think it is not ok to cry. I think that is part of the reason why suicide rates are higher in men. For some reason, they feel like they can't show emotion. 

It is ok to show emotion when you are sad. It is ok to have empathy for others, to feel what they feel. Yes, it is important to be able to function and reason on top of that, but empathy can lead to love. 

And I felt the empathy of Caeleb and Elva. I am so grateful for them in my life.

love Katherine

Dear Chris part 3

Dear Chris,

I don't think you read this blog often so I am not sure why I keep writing you here but I do. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders today. I feel like a single parent most of the time. 

You don't really think of us when you are at work Monday to Friday. I did ask you to do come follow me with us in the evening and I am glad you are accommodating that. The kids need that daily interaction with their Dad. And you have many good insights into the scriptures. I have always admired that about you. 

I am happy you can unwind each evening for an hour or two Monday to Thursday in your room in Drumheller. It is important to have you time. You work so hard as a teacher!

I love you and I don't want you to have more than you can handle. I think you probably have a good balance between you time and work time when you are in Drumheller. I love your tidy, cozy, quiet little room at your place there. I am happy for you. 

love Katherine 

Dear Chris part 2

Dear Chris,

More tender mercies happened. I was mandated to work a night shift last night (after my evening shift) as the night nurse called in at 8:00 pm. Like I said in my last little note to you, it was a tender mercy having mom and dad sleep at our place last night as I did not worry about the kids in the night. Also, I was able to handle it well, just like I said in the last note. It is a good place to work. Staffing is ridiculous but the work is good and manageable. 

Dad is up and ready for the day. Now mom will watch Lizzy while I head to bed for a few hours. Then it is parent teacher interviews after school and picking the kids up from mentorship. Then maybe we will watch a movie or I will just head to an early bed if the kids allow it. 

Sometimes life seems hard to manage. But if working a double last night was manageable, and tender mercies can be recognized on top of it, life in general can be manageable too. 

love Katherine

Later on...

It is 8:50 pm and I just got Dad to bed. I am exhausted after working last night, even after sleeping hours this morning. 

I love my parents and am happy to help. I am happy they are here with us as their furnace gets fixed. 

I have been thinking about double standards in life. I don't want to be guilty of them. I am sure I am, especially when I try to cut back my kids  screen time and yet I have unlimited phone time. I need to do better. I have signed out of Facebook and don't know the password to sign back on so that is a start. I look at other people in my life and see double standards and I get confused. I can't really say more about that here or now. But it is confusing to me. 

You know I struggle with the whole work thing. My mom was mostly a stay at home mom and so was yours. But in reality, my kids probably won't be. They will most likely work alot. The baby boomer generation started the ball rolling faster for double incomes and the inflation that followed. When my kids work, they may see the double standard if I didnt /don't work as much. Everyone can handle different amounts of work and stress but I can not expect my kids to handle more than what I have to handle. I can work and do it well and not complain. I see the value in being a stay at home mom, but, I have been blessed with the job I have, even when I am mandated to work double shifts at times. 

Now off to bed

Love Katherine

Dear Chris

 Dear Chris,

I miss you, so I am blogging as though I am writing you. 

Well, I am here at work, a bit early and ready to start my evening shift. Hopefully I can handle whatever comes my way. But the nice thing about working at the Center is that I almost always feel like I can handle it. It is a good job. 

Mom and Dad have been staying at our place the last 2 nights because their furnace quit. It is getting replaced today but they will stay tonight as well. It is a tender mercy to have them over. I don't worry as much about the kids tonight when mom is around. So that is a tender mercy. 

Caeleb and Elva have been reading the binder of emails I wrote to my family when I at BYUI. It is fun to read them and I am glad mom printed and kept them together. 

I have always been a writer since my young adult years. It is therapeutic. I keep saying that. 

Well I have some co-workers here talking to me so I better go. 

Hope you are doing well and that Teaching is fun and exciting and that your work load is not more than you can bear. 

Love Katherine

Empathy

I am an empathetic person. A friend of mine once called me an empath. I feel things deeply. I feel the trials of others as though they are my own. I especially feel the trials of other people who feel things deeply. It can be hard. But it helps me put myself into other people's shoes. And that helps me know how to serve others. It also helps me think of different scenarios and imagine different outcomes in my life. And it causes me many tears and other emotions. 

Lately I have be thinking alot about how so many Christians believe God will only save about 10% of the total population. They don't  allow themselves to give it a number, but if one allows him or herself to think outside the box, I would say that is a fairly good estimate for what some people would call "true Christians." About 10% of mankind. I can't believe that 90% of Gods creation will suffer in eternal torment. It would destroy me to think that way and I dont understand why it doesn't cause those that think that way to be in a constant depth of despair. Perhaps there is a lack in empathy? 

I focus on the charity of God. The pure love of Christ. His atonement was the ultimate act of Charity. He felt all anyone has felt or will ever feel. The pain, sorrow, confusion. And he died for us. We can not fully understand it. But we can trust it will make all things right in this life and/or the next. 

The scriptures do say without Charity, ye are nothing. What does that mean? When Christ was on this earth, he spent so much time with the sinner, the lonely, the sick. He wept with the family and friends of Lazerus upon his death. He felt what others felt. He stood in their shoes. He stands in our shoes. He has empathy and with that empathy comes Charity. I think that means Christ will be the perfect judge and advocate for all mankind. 

I don't think the Pastors I have talked too understand this. Because to them, it appears that one must check off certain boxes of beliefs about Christ to avoid eternal torture. I can't really blame them. They go to years of school to learn theology. It is all about theology. Or so it seems. Understandably though... that is their livelihood. 

I think there is more to life than believing the right way in this life in order to avoid eternal torture. Otherwise, why would God not influence most of his creation to believe a certain way? 

What is this life truly about? Is it not about learning to be more like Christ? To learn by faith, not having all the answers? No one has all the answers. We all walk by faith. Is this life the time to be put into the imperfect circumstances needed to learn true empathy that leads to charity towards all mankind? I think it is. 

The Women in my Life

I am writing alot lately. But I just needed to express my gratitude this morning! I have been thinking alot about the women in my life. My mom is an example of plugging away when life gets hard. She is a hard worker. I read a poem once about a Mother's hands. I need to find that poem again. My Mother's hands may been calloused from the many weeds she has pulled, the meals she has prepared, the people she has served throughout her life, and she still is going strong even with the aches and pains of all the work she had done. I look up to her example. 

I am just listening to Elva's singing lesson right now and I am grateful for her singing teacher. Her house is clean and tidy (mine not so much), with bread rising on the counter. She is part of our Relief Society of Champion ward and does so much for so many people. And yet she still takes time to share her music talents and teach Elva. 

Elva and Caeleb have a piano teacher from our ward who has taken them under her wing. She was my grade 2 and 6 teacher and those were some of my best and most memorable years at school. She taught by music and music makes memories. She gives of her time and talents to help those in the community. 

I am grateful for all the women in Champion ward and in Champion town. I see so many hands of service. 

I am grateful to be able to serve others. Mostly it is my kids and parents, and the patients at work at the moment. But I am able to serve others time to time and I had a good visit with a friend the other day as I helped her move things around in her house. 

Isn't service just sharing and seeing God's love in life. Are we not all instruments in God's hands? 

Your gonna miss this

I like country music. It is always the music I go back too after hopping from 80s to 90s to classical to modern. I have to admit, classical was a childhood staple as we listen to Bach and Mozart while going to sleep as kids, as well as Les Miserables on my walkman for any road trip. I memorized most of that musical.

But I come back to country time and time again. I remember sleeping outside on the trampoline or in blanket made hammocks as a child and falling asleep to country music that Nathan played on his old radio that looked like a tiny TV. 

John Micheal Montgomery, George Strait, Alan Jackson, Paul Brant. And many others. I have learned to love the oldies in recent years such as Hank Williams. There is something soothing about his voice. 

There's a modernish country song called you'r gonna miss this. I am thinking about it now. 

I know that the tiredness, the business, the anxiety, the chaos and confusion of having a job, kids and a million things to do and places to be will go by too quickly and I am going to miss this someday. So I will hold onto it as long as I can. I am just watching 8 year old Mary sleep next to me. Sometimes 3 or 4 kids will end up with me in bed and I wake up with aches from sleeping in weird positions. But that is ok. I will miss this someday and I feel so blessed to have what I have. I am grateful to God for life. 

On a tangent...speaking of life...

I want to write a book someday. It will be about spiritual philosophies on life, explained in a metaphor. It will be about a young boy from a place called Innocence. Lets call him Noble. This boy has heared of the ultimate journey to a wonderful kingdom that he can find if he decides to venture out on difficult journey. In order to find this Kingdom, he is told that he needs to solve 3 riddles, each with a time limit. He starts this journey with 10 other people. When he comes upon the places where he is to solve the riddles, he sees people in need. One man in particular. This man offers him words of wisdom and Noble chooses to trust him. Noble chooses to help those in need and in doing so, he either misses the opportunity to solve the riddles or he gets the riddles wrong and is unable to obtain passage to the right path to the kingdom. These riddles are confusing and hard to get right. Noble is not a scholar. 

He gets lost in the forest while helping one in need and he stumbles onto a glorious golden fence. He beholds a beautiful kingdom beyond, with beautiful weedless gardens and delicious food set on tables of gold, yet he cannot get inside. There is no gate for him. He sees two of his friends that he started his journey with. They are beyond the golden fence. They are eating and drinking, singing and laughing. Noble calls out to these two friends and asks about the others that they came with. One of them reminds him that some of their friends were lost early on in the journey for various reasons. Others did not get the riddles right and consequencely were led down a different path. One of them on the other side of the fence states smugly, "what does it matter where these people are, I got all I want and need here. I am well fed, well entertained, comfy and happy" The other friend looks cowardly towards Noble, avoiding eye contact and hesitantly states "I don't know where our other friends are but I shall not go after them. I will stay here where it is safe." 

Noble looks as them with confusion and sadness. He does not remember his friends being so selfish. He continues down the path he is on to look for the others. The path takes him to a dungeon under the kingdom. It is dark, wet, cold, awful. The only light is from fires that burn the flesh as people get too close. There is no way out. He finds his 7 other friends in that place. He helps those friends and the many that are there. He sings to them, he gives of his food in his backpack and his coat off his back. He offers them hope, warmth and light. They are in despair. 

The wise man from the Journey finds Noble in the Dungeon. He teaches Noble and lets Noble decide what he wants to do. Noble wants to stay and help his friends rather than enjoy the luxuries above. This desire triggers something in the wise man and he shows his true, magnificent colors. He leads Noble and all who choose to go with him (after learning more of what the wise man has to say), on another jounry. It is a harder journey, up a mountain beyond the kingdom. They take their time and help each other along. The view at the top is incredible. The King is there, overlooking his kingdom. He teaches them what to look for and this allows Noble and all who desire too, to see in the distance those who have just started their journey from the land of Innocence. Those at the top of the mountain can make the choice to continue a difficult journey back to the start to be wise men for those there, and to help those who need help, who are reaching for something more. 

This is all I've got for now. If I don't write this book, maybe someone who thinks like me will. 

Anyways, I best be going to bed. Just wanted to write my thoughts down. 

Christmas time

It was a great Christmas! It just went too fast. I picked up 5 shifts and worked my regular 3. I shouldn't have picked up so much. I regret that. But the time and a half for working boxing day was nice. It will help us as we save up for an RV trip this summer. Camellia and Doug are going to rent Doug's brothers RV and we will share the cost and caravan with them in our Van. I wish my brother Nathan would go but he said no already. He is in a dark place it seems. It is hard and makes my anxiety thrive.

Friday December 1st, our ward did the Champion Nativity and it was really good. Not cold like last year. The town does hot chocolate, hot dogs and hay rides and it makes for a fun evening. Chris was a Wiseman, Caeleb was a Wiseman helper, and Mary, Elva and I were Angel's. 

Mom got us a tree from the scouts in Nanton and we decorated it after I worked on Sunday Dec 3rd. We watched Polar express as per tradition. It makes for a magical evening.

The kids school concert was on the 20th. I had to push hard to get it off work. It is hard not having Chris here to help with that. It was a simple hour long program, the junior high did some songs for band (only 11 of them in the band), the little kids sang songs and Elvas grade 5/6 class did a fun play about North Poles got talent. It was the best performance Champion has had yet.

Our ward party was the Friday before Christmas was beautiful complete with the usual delicious roast beef dinner. I was tired as I had short shifted the night before (evening Thursday to day on Friday). Camellia and Dougs family came. It was a good time. 

I worked the Saturday and Christmas eve Sunday was spent going to church for an hour and then preparing and eating a delicious Turkey dinner with my parents, Nathan and my friends Lindsey and Meike. We watched some of its a wonderful life and all of Mr. Krueger Christmas. And Chris read the Nativity story.

The kids were in bed by 8:30 ish. I read them The Night before Christmas as they went to bed. The oldest 3 slept in Elvas room. 

They were up by 6:00 and then down to the living room at 7:00 for stockings. We had cracked wheat (boiled wheat) for breakfast and then we helped Dad over and Mom and Nathan came and we opened gifts. Mary got a hamster that she named Peanut. Nathan kept her in his room for the week before Christmas. Elva got some horse stuff (helmet and boots from Gainors) and a Tamagotchi pet. Caeleb got some boared games. Selman got lego and a Nintendo switch game and Lizzy got an Elsa dress and Barbies. And the kids got a mini fooseball/air hockey/pool table which they love. Chris got a camera. That was a big spend. It is good that he is working.

We had a lazy Christmas day, I worked Boxing day. We spent some days watching Lord of the Rings, playing board games, eating food. We spent a night at a Lethbridge Hotel with Mom and Dad and the Nelsons, enjoying swimming, bowling and eating at Tony Romas. We missed Nathan for that. And we had sister Burbank over on New Years eve after I worked. We played a game with her and the kids did musical chairs which was a blast. We had appetizers and we watched the movie New Years Eve. The 2 Littles were asleep by 9:00 and Mary fell asleep on the couch by 10:00. But the rest of us made it till midnight.

I worked New Years Day evening and was able to do Karaoke with many of the patients which was blast for them and I and was just what was needed to boast the moral on our unit (including mine). 

One of my New Years goals was to not watch certain youtube videos (Evangelicals bashing other belief systems). It has caused alot of distress for me and there is no need for it. They can believe I am going to Hell for my beliefs, but in doing so, they will also need to believe most of mankind, including the Muslims being killed in Gaza these days and the Jews of the Holocaust, are going to Hell too. It doesn't look good on them for believing that. In fact, it appears selfish and wrong. If I am going to Hell, for having incorrect theology (which Evangelicals believe is the one unforgivable sin that Jesus' atonement will not cover), I aim to help those in Hell find faith and hope in a God who I believe is as equally merciful as he is just in a way that makes sense to all people and who will save most people in anyway he can, because of his perfect understanding of them. But they can believe whatever they want, even if it scary, selfish and dangerous. I do like to listen to David Alexander, who seems to understand things like me, BUT, in reality, I am trying to cut as much youtube out of my life as possible. 

I want to be like my cousin Melanie. When we were little, she was the one who hung out with me when she would come to the farm and her sister Maryanne would spend time with Camellia. Melanie is going through a hard time right now with stage 4 cancer. I just listened to a recent interview from her and it felt like I was listening to Grandma Smith (how I imagine Grandma sounding in her younger years). I bet Melanie would be alot like Grandma Smith the older she got. I miss Grandma. I admire Melanie's  courage and her faith and it makes me proud to be a part of the Smith family. I haven't always felt like I fit in with the Smith family. I remember some of my  cousins being mean to Nathan, Camellia and I. We were the misfits. But I always felt loved by Grandma Smith. I pray for Melanie and her family and I always put her name on the Temple role when I go. 

Chris is back to school and I miss him. Grandma Smith only had her husband for 14 years. I can be without Chris for the week days. But I miss him. And I miss him more these last few days as the weather gets to the - 30s and - 40s. 

I am chuckling to myself as I lay next to a napping Lizzy while listening to Mary sing her little heart out to The Greatest Showman. Mary is so serious, with such a sarcastic sense of humor, it is fun to catch these moments. She really likes that movie and we all watched it last night while sleeping in the living room, listening to the cold wind outside.