Well, it has been a while since I have written. We are all doing well. But the important thing is that Elva is doing wonderful! We are so grateful to have her back in our life. You don't realize how much you can take precious things, even family members, for granted until you almost lose one. That hospital experience seems like a blur now. We are so grateful for Mom and Dad Smith, Aunt Camellia and family, Uncle Nathan and all others who were a support during that difficult time.
Elva has been home from the hospital for more than a month now. Less than a week after she got home, our lives were turned upside down once again after I went to a normal prenatal appointment and our little one's heartbeat could not be detected. I sobbed on the walk home (we live near the clinic) as I knew what this could mean. It had happened once before. I was sent for an ultrasound a few hours later while our Bishop and his wife watched the kids and it confirmed that the baby had died. We were pretty crushed. On May 15th when Elva was at her sickest, I had raced to a nearby walk in clinic to check this baby's heartbeat as I needed some reassurance in my life. It was fine and that was at 14 weeks and 2 days. The baby probably died within the next week and I had no idea that it had happened, just like last time. This baby will always be 17 weeks in my mind. I count my blessings that this did not happen until Elva was out of the hospital.
I had the D and C two days later and it was a horrible experience unlike the last time when I went to the Foothills hospital day surgery and I was treated so well. This time, I went to the Peter Lougheed and was put into a room full of women, some of them having elective abortions! So while they took a pill to stop their child's heartbeat, I sat there wishing I could have their baby before they killed it. I know I am being harsh but this is an extremely sensitive issue with me, especially right now. I am highly opinionated when it comes to letting a baby live. If women can get themselves pregnant, even if it is an "accident", they can accept the consequences and grow the baby for 9 months (heaven forbid - even with the associated risks) and then give it to a family that will love it. I sat fuming in the waiting room reading a "therapeutic" notebook filled with women saying that they "loved" their babies and "this is the hardest decision they have had to make" but they " knew they made the right choice"... to kill them. Wait, what!. Chris even had to take me out of the waiting room as I was a just a little loud in verbalizing my opinions. Even now I am sitting here fuming. Okay, deep breath. Move on.
Well, life isn't fair. That is true. Okay, maybe some people have "it all". Then again, I think I am that person to other people. I know that people have hidden trials too. Everyone has trials. That is true. And I know I have truly been blessed with so much!!! SO MUCH!!! I have several good friends that I want so badly for them to have what I have. Why can't they have what I have!! Life isn't fair.
What am I doing going on and on. Time for some positive.
When I came out of "surgery," Chris told me that he thought this baby should be called Jaime. I had had that same thought come to me. We have never considered the name Jaime before We don't know if it is a boy or a girl but Jaime does fit both. Now, I am not sure when a spirit enters a body or if a spirit destined for one body can then be destined for another body. I don't think about this too much as I know we will have all the answers someday. But, I feel that we all will be able to raise many, many, many more children in the next life if we are worthy to do so. And perhaps there may be a Lily Anne (the baby we lost at 18 weeks) and a Jaime in that bunch. I would like to think so.
I remember when Elva was so sick, I pleaded with Heavenly Father many times (on the bathroom floor in the ICU, as well as other places) that he could take this baby but to spare Elva. I don't know if things happen like that. But I do know that Heavenly Father can do anything including miracles, he can give and take and that he knows best. He allows things to happen so that we can learn and grow and be refined. He does not give us more than we can handle. But we need to continue to have faith in his plan or else we can become hardened and miserable, living without purpose.
Okay, time for more positive.
Elva is talking a lot these days. When she was in the hospital, the speech pathologist thought her vocabulary was not up to par and she wanted to send Elva to speech therapy. Elva must have heard that as she started using new words pretty much every day after that. "Book, Mom, this, ball, mine, there, up, bye, peas (please), t-ou (thank you)" are a few words in her vocabulary now.
She is running like the best of them too. Before she was released from the hospital the Physiotherapist said she was at the level of a 12-14 month old with her strength, balance, and walking skills. I think she was back to 18 months the day after that. She is my go getter bean.
One thing I want to remember about Caeleb is how he says the word remember. "Memember Mommy, memember." He loves to laugh and I love his laugh and his sense of humor. Caeleb, I will memember.
Well, that is enough for now. Until next time.
