Happy Anniversary My Love

Dear Chris, Today is October 24. It is our 11th anniversary today. We have known each other a little over 12 years (We first met at a hot tub party at your place in August of 2008 I believe) and that is approximately 1/3 of my life and 1/4 of yours. My love for you deepens its roots more and more each year. It is true that I am not always the best wife and mother. I get confused and loose perspective sometimes. I find it hard to let some things go and I can have a temper at times. But I hope you can always forgive me when I mess up because there is one thing I know for sure, I want to be with you forever. You are the love of my life and my eternity. Thank you for loving me through thick and thin. Thank you for working hard and for trying to be happy even life gets you down. One of my favourite things is to hear you whistle while you are working, or showering or puttering around the house. It makes me happy because then I know you are happy. Never Stop Whistling! Never loose that sparkle in your eyes when you smile. And always know that you are the most perfect type of handsome in my eyes.

Thank you for being a wonderful father. The kids adore you and look up to you. They learn so much from you. Even Caeleb's teacher has commented on how Caeleb will talk about his Dad and how much his dad knows. They love and need you. Thank you for trying so hard with the jobs you have. You always give it your all with work and school even when it is not easy. When you try, you try your best and that is always enough! You are an amazing teacher. It is so apparent that you love to help others learn and achieve their full potential. You are so christlike in how you treat others, always being respectful, never gossiping, never thinking ill of anyone and never holding a grudge. I learn so much from you each day. Thank you for choosing me and for loving me. I know that we can work together through anything that life throws at us, the good and the bad. It can all be an amazing adventure. And I am excited to keep building up our relationship and our family throughout the eternities. I am so blessed to have you and our children in my life.

Love Katherine

Summer 2020

Well, it is about time I update summer of 2020. As I do so, I am sitting here in our dinning room in our beloved falling apart blue rocking chair while the kids busily build a fort with the dinning table chairs. They are getting along for now - yeah! The snow is coming down outside and the colder weather means way fewer flies. And we haven't seen a mouse in over a week so we are doing pretty well.

It rained alot in the spring and the first part of the summer. I love the rain! The crops were lush and full and beautiful which is great for the farmers and for everyone who appreciates them. Mom and Dad had mustard planted on their land and it did okay I believe. But the good crops brought many mice and we have caught about 30 mice in our basement this summer and fall and Chris and I have had a few late evenings chasing mice around the kitchen and living room. Plus one day while I was cooking on our stove, a mouse was poking its head up at the back of the stove. Gross! And one day I was watching the movie "Mouse Trap" and a mouse scurried across the living room. Kind of a surreal experience. And such is country life. But don't get me wrong, country life is the best!

Most of the Summer was spent at the farm. For Mom's birthday, the Nelsons came down and we got Chinese food and did a Scavenger hunt in town to celebrate Canada Day. Nothing else was going on due to Covid. The pool was only open for Swimming lessons and rentals and the rentals were $50 per hour so it was expensive and we were only able to book it twice in August.

We went down to the Nelsons ranch for Camellia and my birthday and Doug saddled up the horses and Camellia, Kamille and I went for a ride in the brush Thursday evening. So. Much. Fun! Thanks Doug! And thanks to Chris for watching Lizzy who was only 3 weeks old at the time. We joined Mom and Dad in Waterton the next day while Doug and Chris took the kids home to the farm (except Lizzy of course stayed with us). Then we went shopping in Pincher Creek and spent Saturday at the Nelsons just chilling, talking, watching Hamilton on Disney plus and doing some odd projects. We met the boys in Granum on Sunday at 1:00 and the kids wadded in the little lake there and we had a picnic.

Chris was busy with computer projects for the Watters propane company throughout July and we travelled to the island on Tuesday July 28th so he could do computer work out there and so that we could visit family. The kids did so well on the way out. I think Elizabeth did the best and Mary struggled the most. We spent 16 wonderful days there. Since we could not do a Watters family reunion at a location on the island, Eric and Racheal planned a stay at home family reunion and we did things with the Watters family most days. We played in Aunt Wendy's blow-up water park, we went to a couple of lakes to swim, we had an at home movie day for the kids and a outside projector movie for the older kids. We had a couple of games nights and family suppers. We had Aunt Mary and her family from Nanaimo come and visit. Racheal and Eric watched our kids and Chris and I were able to go on a date night all alone to the inner harbour - supper at Spinnakers, a walk by the ocean, ice cream and then to Mount Doug at Sunset. We had a girls night where we went canoeing at Elk lake and out to supper at Milestones at the inner harbour. Then Chris and I took the kids canoeing a few days later on Elk lake. The guys had a guys night a Jared's for a BBQ and the kids had several sleep overs - the girls with Eric and Rachels girls and Caeleb with Wendy's boys. We also went and had a picnic with Kurt and Alby at Mount Doug which was special since they do not interact with most of the family. It was a simple yet full and amazing trip. I love my Watters family so much and I am so grateful to be with them for Eternity! We came back on Friday August 14 and it is always such a long trip on the way home but we made it home by 11:30 pm after a stop for supper in Golden BC. We had booked the Champion pool for the day after and I invited a new family in our ward to join us. They have a boy that is Elva's age and is in her grade at Champion school. We will be excited to have any family move into the ward as our Primary is so very small - 5 kids now with Karson.

The next week in August was swimming lessons and Camellia and her kids joined us for that. It was a hot week (made it to the 30s that week) and we also went swimming at Little Bow a couple of times as well as booked the pool on Saturday August 22 for Liams 7th birthday. The last full week in August, Chris was busy preparing for his teaching job in Claresholm. The kids started school on Wednesday September 2 in Champion and it has been so good to be back to school. We have missed it and the kids are enjoying it! There is something to be said about having a routine with a school schedule. For the September long weekend the kids and I went to Camellia and Doug's so that Chris could get more school prep done and he has been working a lot of school prep ever since. He sure puts a lot of time into everything that he does but I suppose it is because he wants to succeed in what he does.

Elizabeth is growing fast. She has not yet rolled over but is lifting her head well at tummy time. She rolls on to her side. I like to "baby wear" meaning I use the Mobey wrap or the other baby carrier to carrier her while I putter around the house or when we go for a walk (Selman goes in the Chariot stroller). She likes to be held but really is a content baby. Except I have to remember not to eat chocolate as it makes her gassy. But I can not complain, she is so good and she takes a soother well while all our other kids did not. I love this stage. I wish I could continue to have a million bajillion newborn and little babies and children and I hope that after this life we can be blessed to have even more children because babies and little children are so wonderful. But I would not have them stay this way forever as I have a testimony of Heavenly Father's plan for us all to grow and become as he is. I will soak it all in and enjoy this stage with little Elizabeth being a baby, he toothless grins, her little giggles, her pure innocence, her perfect trust. I will hold her and snuggle her and love her and all my children. Well it is 7:53 pm so I need to get the kids to bed. I will write about the Fall another day.

Raw Selfish Thoughts

It is funny how a few days ago I wrote a post about how I want so much to be and to feel cherished and appreciated by Chris as a stay at home mother. And now, I feel like I should be the one to work about 10 or more shifts a month and have Chris stay at home with the kids and substitute. Not that I don't want to be at home, it is just that I have seen Chris struggle with work this last week. And I have struggled with his struggle. I know without a doubt that Chris is a great teacher. He is able to teach me and the kids so many things about math, science, astronomy, etc. He is patient with us and can think of multiple strategies to teach us things that are hard to comprehend. I imagine he is the same way teaching the grade 7 and 8s in Claresholm. But they are a tricky group of kids and he has some very hard students that are hard to control in a classroom setting. I know he is doing his best but I imagine it takes time to learn classroom management strategies in such cases and he is down on himself and in general and his thought are only about school these days. Even when I planned an early 11th anniversary breakfast and biking trip in Waterton last Saturday morning, I could tell his mind was elsewhere almost the entire time. He was and still is stressed. Today, Thanksgiving day (well yesterday now as it is 1230 am Tuesday now), he spent most of the day in his office working on school stuff. He took about an hour break to help Mom and Dad with some things at their place but he did not go for a bike ride, or join us for a baseball game outside and he worked well into the evening. I am selfish. I want his time, his thoughts, his words. It is hard to see him like this. So much of our marriage has been him working in his office whether it is doing computer work for his family's company, doing IT support work all hours of the day, doing school work while at University and now, preparing school work for his classroom.

For my job, I have to do some yearly competencies and I have to renew my CARNA registration every year and read my emails but it does not take too much time. Chris and I get paid about the same right now as we have part time positions. Maybe I should go back to work with my 0.42 position with a little extra and he could pick up casual as a teacher (so as his planning time will be limited) and we could live a simple life and hang out with each other and the family a lot more than we are doing right now. Or maybe I should just hold on and know that things will get better with Chris and his job. He will be blessed and get to a point where it gets easier and he will be present more in our life. Until then, I will believe in him and pray for him and try to be strong and patient.

Thoughts

I went for a beautiful walk this morning. It was cooler outside today with a bit of a wind. Very refreshing. I carried Lizzy in her carrier and pushed Selman in his chariot. It was so wonderful! The other kids were at school. As I walked, I had so many thoughts about life and how we are doing financially and in others ways. I have been thinking about that a lot lately. We are doing pretty well and I see the Lord's hand in our lives. I was thinking today about things that I would think about before I was married concerning life and being a wife and mother. I never knew if I would get married ( I never dated in High School and had only a few dates the first few years of University) and being the sensible person I have always been, and since I have always known how to work hard in school (I don't consider myself naturally smart, but I know how to study long and hard), I continued my education after High School. Since my grades were good, I got into University easy peasy. And I floated right along through the rapids of nursing school to become a Nurse. I figured at the time that I would probably live a simple life, maybe single, in a small home, with just a few cheap possessions and perhaps a few inexpensive hobbies (like Miss Honey from Matilda - "My house" from Matilda the Musical is one of my favourite songs). That lifestyle intrigued me and i felt at peace with it. But I was very blessed with finding Chris and we are happily married almost 11 years and we have 5 kids.

Working as a nurse the last 15 years on and off has been very challenging for me but during the last few years, I have been so blessed to gain so much confidence and knowledge. Before this Mat leave I was doing well in my career. But a career is not what I want. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mother. I have wanted so badly to feel valued in that calling. I know it is important. But the truth is, I don't feel valued in that calling at all and I don't really know if I ever will. My husband is indifferent to this subject and he likes to spend money on things so it helps to have two incomes. And I have adapted to his attitude and lifestyle and I have become a bit of a softy with my kids when they want things. We spend money on them and we buy things and go traveling when we can (Chris and I have been on a few nice trips in our marriage and we have taken the kids to Disneyland). My feeling of not being valued as a mother is very hard to describe and is so discouraging to me.

Sometimes I feel like we have derailed from the simple path in life. I have always wanted the simple path. Growing up I believe I was very easy to please. It is true that I wanted a horse and my parents got us some cheap horses and horse supplies when we were 11 but I did not need much else. We went on camping trips with our tent and we did go on a houseboat trip once and on a plane to Ottawa when my parents had a little extra money come in. But those were not the times that made me. It was the small moments - going to the mountains to get a tree, mom reading books to us, working outside with my family, a fire in the fireplace or hotdog roasts outside, simple Family Home Evenings, watching movies and reading books at home while snuggled up on the couch. I never had a car in High School but during University, my parents bought me what probably became the oldest car at BYUI at the time (1982 year - Old Blue was her name). They bought it when I panicked on how I would get to clinical during my second year of University and I was blessed to have that car and to have it start time and time again even after it would break down. Prayers sure worked for that car. I am grateful that my parents were able to help me out when they could. I worked hard to get scholarships and during my third and forth year of University while getting my Bachelors degree, I worked as a Nurse with an Associates degree. I did not spend much money at that time and I saved up Money to pay off student Loans and go on a mission. I am sure my Champion ward helped me with my mission as well and I feel very grateful for that.

When I married Chris, we had some unnecessary debt to pay off. I love my husband so much and we worked hard together to pay it off. I picked up every shift that I could and even got an extra little job for a month taking care of a man with epilepsy. We sold my car and I walked to and from work early in our marriage. Chris worked full time and started online university the January after we got married. I remember being so proud of us paying off the debt so soon but we were still "Starving Students" in my eyes as Chris had just started school and we would have a long road ahead of us with that. It wasn't long after paying off the debt that Chris wanted to get a camera that cost a few thousand dollars. It didn't make sense to me that we would do that being starving students but I love him and I went along with it. I think it was at that moment that it hit me that this would be the expectation for our marriage. Things and money would be important. (Now, I have things that I like too - going places and seeing the world - and that costs lots of money too and there just is not enough money for everything!) In general this realization made me sad. Chris loves his hobbies and he is good at them. He is amazing with cameras, computers, models and strategy model games. I admire that so much and am in awe with how much he knows. But we have struggled with seeing eye to eye in some things because my so called "hobby" was always to live a simple life at home with my kids (with some camping trips and some other trips thrown into the mix once in a while - ok, I do admit I like my vacations). But I always wanted to be at the cross roads of my kids' lives, to have time to ready myself emotionally and spiritually in order to be there for my husband and kids when they need help. I didn't want to feel stressed and stretched going from work life, to home life, to work life to home life. Not to mention the phone calls from work, wanting me to pick up extra shifts and pulling me in the work direction. And my Mom kind of pulls me in the opposite direction saying that she would be happy if I had a big family if I did not work and so I feel guilty having this many kids. This is the story of my life.  I have had such intense anxieties going to work where I have cried on the floor by my bed at night. It worsened postpartum but before going back to work after Selman was born, I got on some Anti-Anxiety/Depression medication and it really helped me. Overall, I feel so incredibly blessed to have my job in Claresholm and have seen the hand of the Lord in my life getting that job.

I love my maternity leaves and wish I could keep having them so I could be home with my kids. However, I don't feel like that will help me feel cherished and appreciated as a mother. I know deep down that I should not rely on external validation or appreciation from my husband or other people. Perhaps those feelings can and should only come from within me as it should not matter what other people think. Perhaps they can come through my diligence with prayer and meditation and through reading the scriptures. I pray that I can get a peace in my life and come to know that I am indeed cherished as a woman and a mother and that I am not just good for the money that I make. I know that one day I will not have these negative feelings and will perhaps feel like I wasted time and energy on feeling this way so I really need to try and change these thoughts and feelings daily. And I will! I have been blessed with so much and I want to be in a positive state of mind so that I can make the most of my blessings in blessing the lives of others.

For now, I pray that I can cherish my last Maternity leave and work hard to be the best mom that I can be which might be easier now since I do not have the stress of work. I want to be the type of mother that my kids want to talk too and confide in. I want to support them and be a guide for them as they learn to navigate life. I am grateful for this very important calling and I hope I can be be what my children need in a mother.

Fall General Conference

Once again, I need to update my blog with the events of the summer and the beginning of Fall. But for now, I am sitting here in our living room, watching the last session of General Conference. I must admit, I have fallen asleep more than once this conference, and the kids have been very distracting (they did better on the Saturday sessions when they were playing their conference bingo) but I have and am feeling the spirit as I listen to what the leaders of the church are saying. And right now the kids are building a fort in the dinning room so they are distracted so I can listen and write. I do not know who I am listening too right now but he is talking about the Savior and I am grateful for his words. Elizabeth is rocking in her swing and happy at this moment. I am so grateful for my family! The kids can be very busy with their questions, talking, fighting, demanding, it is exhausting. But I know how blessed I am and I am trying to appreciate and cherish everyday with my little children. I know they grow up too fast. Caeleb is already 10. Crazy how time flys. I love my family. I want to be with them for eternity.

Now Elder Holland is talking. He is one of the last speakers and I love his talks. He likes to talk about how we will go through trials and long suffering but that our prayers will be answered and we will never be left alone. He just said that life can not be both faith filled and stress free. Right now I feel like everything is going well in my life. I was recently mentioning to my family that my biggest trial in my life right now is the many pesky flies that are still dominating our house due to the continued warm weather. That is not true. I was just joking about that being the hardest thing even though they are many and very pesky. I do feel like I have a bit of postpartum depression (I have on and off taken medication for it but need to be more consistent with taking it) and exhaustion ( and since Selman and Lizzy keep me up at night - especially Selman as he takes a bit to get to bed and gets up very early sometimes like at 4:30 or 5:30- I do get tired) and sometimes I struggle to feel happy, excited about things and motivated to get things done. Sometimes I get upset when the kids fight or they all want my attention at once and I am am being pulled in many directions at once. But honestly, my life is pretty simple and good right now and I love simple life. I love being home with my kids and have no regrets in taking 18 months of maternity leave so I will not have to go back till the end of December 2021. The work/mother balance is hard for me like I have mentioned many times before and I love being at home with my kids. I wish I could always be home with my kids or maybe just one day a week casual until they are all out of the home but we have been very blessed to have my income (even my employment insurance while on Maternity leave) as I am not sure how we would make ends meet without me (Chris is more of a hobby spender then me though I do like vacations). And besides, I feel like Chris is very indifferent to the topic of a Mother being in the home even if I think it is a very important job. But regardless of what I ramble about, I am so grateful to be a Mother. I was talking this morning to my dear friend Lindsey who is teaching in China right now, and I want so much for her to get married and be a Mother. I look up to her so much and feel like she would be a great Mother.

President Nelson is speaking now and I know that he is the Prophet of God and is inspired in what he says. These men just want what is best for us. They work hard spreading encouragement and testimony throughout the world because they love us and want us to have hope and eternal happiness. He just said this is the dispensation where no blessing will be withheld from the righteous. We should look forward to the future. We have divine potential. He tells us to embrace our "New Normal" throughout these difficult times. He announced some temples to be built and said that as "we build and maintain these temples, may we build and maintain ourselves". He tells us to prepare ourselves and the world for the second coming of the Savior. A powerful message.

I am so grateful for my life and my family. I am grateful for my warm home (even with the flies) and that I have my wonderful family near me. I am grateful for this fall season. It is such a beautiful fall, very warm and the leaves are changing colors slowly and it is so beautiful outside! It really is my favourite season of the year. I am grateful for conference and the peace and hope that the Gospel of Jesus Christ gives us. I know that life will not always be so simple and easy but I know that we can get through anything when we have faith in Christ. I have been so blessed.