Talks in Church

Chris and I talked in church last Sunday. He talked about his favorite Christmas hymn "I heard the bells on Christmas day." He got a little choked up when quoting it. That meant something to me. I gave the following talk. I want to remember the stories so I am posting it here. It is a very cold, - 30s, very busy week getting ready for Christmas. Almost there, just a few more gifts to get. But I baked Christmas cookies with the kids today, washed the floor, put up more lights and folded lots of laundry. The spirit of Christmas is in our home. Merry Christmas everyone!

Good morning brothers and Sisters. Chris and I did not have a lot of time to prepare our talks. I hope our thoughts come out clear and that you can learn from the Spirit what you may not be able to learn from us. 

Chris and I are speaking on the scripture in 2 Nephi 2:25. Adam fell that man might be and men are that they might have joy. So simple but so true. I am so grateful for the simplicity of the Book of Mormon. Studying the Old testament this last year has been hard. I joke that it is like reading Shakespeare. Hard to understand and quite harsh at times. It was hard for me to see the love of God over the harshness of God in the old testament. I have to admit it. I enjoy studying the Bible, but the Book of Mormon has made the Bible, and its description of a perfectly balanced loving and just Heavenly Father more clear to me. Without it, I am not sure where I would be.

 

 I am going to let Chris talk about the first part of 2 Nephi 2:25. I just want to talk about Joy. I need to reflect on it. I think we all do. I want to talk about three stories on my mind as of late.

Story #1). Have you ever seen the play the Forgotten Carols. I saw it once in Idaho Falls when I was going to school at BYU-Idaho. And I like to watch it every year at Christmas and listen to the music. I like the music. I like the simple story. It is about a Nurse who lives what I would call a melancholy life. She works all the time, she is very serious and does not seem to find joy in life. She is alone in the world. She is haunted by her past. Her mom and dad had passed on and her mom was very stern with her. She didn't know her dad. She is sent to take care of a friendly older gentleman at the home he is living in. She is pretty cold and distant at first but eventually, through songs called "forgotten carols" about the Savior and the beauty in the world, she warms up to him. He helps her see the beauty in Christmas and in life. I used to think this musical was a little silly because the carols in it are nothing like the carols we sing that are centuries old and very well known. But the story is a beautiful story. It taught me that there is beauty in the little things in life. If you have not seen this musical, I recommend it. It is on youtube. And we have a copy if you want to borrow it.

 

Story # 2) The beauty in the little things in life reminds me of my own life when I was a missionary. I was in Guayaquil Ecuador 16 years ago for Christmas. It was my first Christmas away from home. I remember going to sleep on Christmas eve in my plain ordinary bedroom that I shared with my companion. I remember there was blue paint chipping off the walls, windows with bars on them like many house had in that big city. I probably fell asleep on my knees at the side of my bed as I often did on my mission. My simple bed had but a single sheet as the weather was still hot and muggy at that time of year. It was always hot and muggy and dirty. My parents had sent a few small presents. I woke up in the morning, Christmas day, and went into the bathroom to open my few gifts by myself. Some of my companions didn’t get as much as me and I wanted to be alone. We spent the day singing Christmas carols in Spanish. We went to an investigator family that evening and spent some time with them reflecting on the birth of the Savior. They lived in a old scraped together house with few belongings. But I remember they were happy. I remember their smiles and we talked and sang songs. It was not the Christmas I was used to but it was beautiful because the focus was on the Savior. The focus was always on the Savior during my mission. It was supposed to be. And through all the struggles I had on my mission, I saw his hand in my life, time and time again including that simple joyful Christmas day.

Story # 3 is a favourite of mine) Lately I have been wanting President Monson back on the earth to tell us Christmas stories. He really is our Christmas prophet and I miss him. One story he told, not at Christmas, but one that has stuck with me is called Yellow Canaries with Grey on their wings. President Monson starts “Some thirty-seven years ago, I was called as a young man to serve as the bishop of a large ward in Salt Lake City. The magnitude of the calling was overwhelming and the responsibility frightening. My inadequacy humbled me. But my Heavenly Father did not leave me to wander in darkness and in silence, uninstructed or uninspired. In his own way, he revealed the lessons he would have me learn.

One evening, at a late hour, my telephone rang. I heard a voice say, “Bishop Monson, this is the hospital calling. Kathleen McKee, a member of your congregation, has just passed away. Our records reveal that she had no next of kin, but your name is listed as the one to be notified in the event of her death. Could you come to the hospital right away?”

Upon arriving there, I was presented with a sealed envelope which contained a key to the modest apartment in which Kathleen McKee had lived. A childless widow seventy-three years of age, she had enjoyed few of life’s luxuries and possessed scarcely sufficient of its necessities. In the twilight of her life, she had become a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Being a quiet and reserved person, she revealed little about her life.

That same night I entered her tidy basement apartment, turned the light switch, and in a moment discovered a letter written ever so meticulously in Kathleen McKee’s own hand. It rested face up on a small table and read:

“Bishop Monson,

“I think I shall not return from the hospital. In the dresser drawer is a small insurance policy which will cover funeral expenses. The furniture may be given to my neighbors.

“In the kitchen are my three precious canaries. Two of them are beautiful, yellow-gold in color and are perfectly marked. On their cages I have noted the names of friends to whom they are to be given. In the third cage is ‘Billie.’ He is my favorite. Billie looks a bit scrubby, and his yellow hue is marred by gray on his wings. Will you and your family make a home for him? He isn’t the prettiest, but his song is the best.”

In the days that followed, I learned much more about Kathleen McKee. She had befriended many neighbors in need. She had given cheer and comfort almost daily to a cripple who lived down the street. Indeed, she had brightened each life she touched. Kathleen McKee was much like “Billie,” her prized yellow canary with gray on its wings. She was not blessed with beauty, gifted with poise, nor honored by posterity. Yet her song helped others to more willingly bear their burdens and more ably shoulder their tasks. She lived the message of the verse:

Go visit the lonely, the dreary;

Go comfort the weeping, the weary.

Oh, scatter kind deeds on your way

And make the world brighter today.

The world is filled with yellow canaries with gray on their wings. The pity is that so precious few of them have learned to sing. Perhaps the clear notes of proper example have not sounded in their ears or found lodgment in their hearts.”

So what do these 3 stories have in common? Well, they each talk about a woman navigating experiences in life and perhaps turning a hard situation into something good. But furthermore, they talk about how Joy is found in the simple things in life. And that is where true Joy is found. Not in how much you have or where you have traveled or the big things you have accomplished. True joy is found in knowing the Savior by following his example in thinking of and serving others. 

 

As implied in President Monson’s story, we are all yellow canaries with gray on their wings. I think the grey on my wings and maybe that of my husbands at the moment is trying to balance everything on our plates, from work to kids. Just yesterday I had to miss most of the ward party because the time changed and I had to work. We struggle with balance and I do not know if we will ever find the exact balance in this life. Sometimes it affects my mental health. Perhaps you have some grey on your wings as well. Whether it be physical or emotional ailments, trials that you are working through or imperfections that you are trying to overcome. I guess like President Monson said in his story, the pity is when we dont learn to sing during difficult times. We can find the joy in every moment, we can learn to sing in every situation. That is what Kathleen McKee did in the story. Her life was simple, uncluttered, tidy, and good. She did not leave a lot behind but her song helped others bear their burdens. She truly found true joy and beauty if life and shared that with others. Back to a few days ago in my life, As I was struggling to know what to do about the ward party, a friend I look up too texted me “Life is too wonderful to get bogged down in guilt.” Although it is hard to feel sometimes, I know what she said is true.  

Life is wonderful …hard… but wonderful and we can see the joy in it daily if we choose to do so. Remember, it is a choice to find joy even if it is hard to make that choice. Some have it harder than others making that choice. And in some circumstances, it seems or will impossible to make that choice for a while. We lost a brother this summer because of his inability at the time to choose joy and life over misery and death. I want to make it clear that I know there is hope in the next life for him and there will be joy for him if he accepts it upon having a clear mind. Our Heavenly Father is truly a loving father.

So how do we choose joy when life seems complicated and cluttered? I think many of us can find ways to declutter our lives so that we can see the beauty in it. Maybe we need to find a balance in our home and work lives, which Chris and I are forever seeking for, maybe we can prioritize what is important, like scripture study and prayer and pondering. Maybe we don’t need to attempt to do everything or have everything. Maybe we can take a leap of faith in changing some of our habits and routines, to allow for more room in our lives to fill with the simple joy of the Gospel. What do you need to do to have more joy in your life? I think this is something we can all ponder on today and everyday.

The Gospel is Good News. That literally is what it means. It is about joy and I am so grateful that the Book of Mormon and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints has clarified that for me. We truly believe, as latter day saints, that everyone is a Child of God, whether you are a member of the church or not. That is our doctrine. And it means the world to me. We were all made in the image of God, he loves each and everyone of us. Although he allows us to be in different circumstances that may cause different experiences in life, including those of pain and suffering, and although he lets us deal with the consequences of our own actions and those of others, which can be good and bad, he also gives us all hope not only in this life and but in the eternities to come. As we accept the gospel and the atonement of Christ, as we use it to change and become better, as we follow in Christ’s footsteps and go on the path to becoming more like him and our Heavenly parents, we truly see more and more of the pure eternal Joy that God wants for all of us. He will give us eternal joy no matter what our circumstances are and he will give us as much as we are willing to accept. That joy comes from hope in his perfect love and mercy for this life and the next. And that is something that everyone can strive for and enjoy in this life and the next. I have a strong testimony of this.

 

I think my favourite Christmas carol is Silent night. But my favorite non hymn Christmas carol is Have Yourself a Merry little Christmas. I might sing it for you, but thank goodness it would probably not be appropriate for sacrament meeting. So I will spare you that. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" is a song written in 1943 and introduced by Judy Garland in the 1944 musical Meet Me in St. Louis. These were world war 2 times and songs like Have yourself a Merry little Christmas and Im dreaming of a White Christmas which was written in 1942 were written for those times. Im dreaming of a White Christmas which was a favourite of my Grandpa Selman who served in world war two, and songs like it helped people like my Grandpa get through those hard times. Have yourself a Merry little Christmas goes…

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
From now on
Our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the Yule-tide gay
From now on
Our troubles will be miles away

Here we are as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more

Through the years we all will be together
If the fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now

 

I know that because of the carol Silent Night, or in other words the Birth, life and Atonement of Jesus Christ, we can focus on the carol I just read to have ourselves a merry little Christmas. Our hearts can be light. Because of the hope of the gospel, One day our troubles will be out of site, and faithful friends who are dear to us, even those who have passed on, will be together with us again. And we can have Joy this Christmas and in everyday. If we seek eternal joy in eternal things, we will find it.

I pray that you will all have yourselves a Merry little Christmas and a joyful life as you keep the message of Christ in your life.

Consequences for actions

It is a beautiful day today! There is a lot of snow on the ground, and it makes me want to get a snowmobile and take the kids for rides on the snow-covered pastures across the road. We had one when we were kids and Nathan, Camellia and I had so much fun with it! We would pull each other around and try to go off jumps. We would stay out much of the evening after school doing this. I had the best childhood!

Life is going pretty well. I worked in Claresholm Hospital Emergency room on Saturday. I was the float nurse, and it was a really good shift. I got an IV in, gave IV meds, did an ECG, did assessments and felt like an asset. I came away from there feeling really good about working causal there even though I have never seen myself as an Emerg nurse. My first float shift a few weeks ago in Emerg was ridiculously crazy. People kept coming in and there was nowhere to put them. And I did not feel like an asset to the Nurse I worked with. At least there was no Trauma or serious illness to deal with. 

And then yesterday came and after we got home from Church, I get a call from my sister who said Selman was sick. Selman had been visiting them for a few days with Nana and Papa. She said he had a fever, was pale and shaking, trying to vomit and was complaining of right lower quadrant pain. Of course, I immediately thought it was appendicitis as Caeleb had that when he was 8 and had the same symptoms. I told Nana and Papa I would meet them at Claresholm Emerg at about 2:45 pm and take him in. When I saw Selman, he was feeling warm and was saying he was stilll feeling yucky and so I carried him into Emerg and passed by many people I worked with the day before. Almost immediately after checking in, I could feel his fever break and he started perking up. But we were committed by then and I waited to see the doctor after talking to the same nurse that I worked with yesterday. We both agreed that we did not need to be there. It was a bit embarrassing, and I feel like I should have waited another 15 minutes before choosing to go into Emerg and I probably would have not gone in if I had waited. But I accept the consequence for that action, and it is hard to accept consequences of actions at times. As it turns out, Selman still has a fever today (the next day) and has some sniffles and an earache. It could be an ear infection, but we will just wait and see what happens for another day. I worked last night at the Mental Health center, and it was an easy peasy shift and I had plenty of time to get things done and talk with my co-worker. I am pretty spoiled in working there. The workload almost always feels manageable. I am never anxious to go to work. It is a great job! Just not always great at keeping up medical skills. Mom watched Selman and Lizzy while I slept from 8:00 am to 1230 pm today. I am grateful for all she does for our family! And now Selman is snuggled up to me on the couch while I write this. I am glad he is ok. 

Back to when I mentioned accepting consequences of actions in the last paragraph. I have been thinking about that a lot. I feel like the purpose of life is simple. And you can relate to this whether you believe in a God or not. The purpose of life is accepting the consequences of your actions when you have control over them, choosing how you deal with your circumstances and the actions of others (even though you do not have control over them) and doing what you can to have good consequences as a result of good actions in order to make life better. It is as simple as that. I choose to believe in God. And I essentially believe that this is the purpose of life according to a loving God's design. He is not trying to trick us! He has not designed a plan where you have to believe a certain way to meet the cut off point for eternal happiness. And if you do not meet that cutoff point, you will be as miserable as one can possibly me for forever. That makes no sense! He simply lets us accept the consequences of our actions. 

God allows us to choose who we become in this life and the next. Or at least that is how it appears to be in this life. If you choose to serve and love others, you gain the respect of others and you help the world become of better place. If you choose to spend more than you make, you choose to go into debt. If you choose to procrastinate, you do not get things does. If you choose to not have good dental hygiene, you choose to risk spending alot in dentist bills (we have spent alot on the kids teeth). If you choose to put harmful and maybe addictive substances into your body, you are not as healthy as you could be. If you choose to be mean, you choose to risk friendships. If you choose to repent and change for the better when you do wrong, you choose to become better. If you choose to learn and grow intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, etc, you choose to have more knowledge and understanding. If you choose to get help when you feel like you need it, you may get the help you need to feel and do better. If you choose to believe in an equally loving and just God (one that makes sense) and a Christ who paved the way for salvation and resurrection, you choose to have hope in the next life. Some people believe that if you do not choose to believe Christ is God, you do not choose hope in the next life but rather choose everlasting torture in Hell. But that is just non-sensicle That consequence does not match that choice. Without certain religious influences, no one would ever believe that people are so evil they deserve to be infinitely tortured for a finite life of sin. If they did believe that way, they would probably be deemed mentally unstable. 

 I do need to make clear, if you choose to believe or not believe in God, you might choose to live each day to its fullest for differing but equally good reasons. Those who do not believe in a next life, simply believe they must make the most of this life but do not have the hope and peace that comes in believing life continues after. And if you choose to try to be happy in whatever circumstances that are thrown your way or circumstances that you choose, even if it is a struggle, you will be happier than if you did not choose to try to be happy. I understand we cannot control every circumstance or outcome in our life, and sometimes people have to deal with difficult consequences even if they did not cause them or sometimes people do not have to deal with circumstances or consequences of some of their or other's actions (people get lucky or miracles are involved) but our choices can make our life more enjoyable or more miserable. So much is up to each of us individually. It is a choice. 

Consequences can be hard to deal with. For example, it is not easy, but I am trying to accept the consequences, both good and bad of choosing to work two jobs at the moment. It is complicated trying to figure out why we have to deal with the consequences of other's action. It is also complicated understanding why many circumstances are out of our control or why we make the wrong decisions at times when we are trying to do what is right. My faith in Christ gives me peace and leads me to believe that his Atonement somehow makes those circumstances, consequences and outcomes balanced and right in the next life. Maybe that is where faith comes into play. And perhaps faith can make the future brighter. But the simple fact is, we deal with consequences for choices and circumstances in this life. 

Let it Snow!

Halloween was busy busy but great! We went to a Halloween party at a friend's house in Champion after school. Then Caeleb went trick or treating in town with some friends. We picked him up and then went to 12 neighbors' houses which is always a highlight of the year. Elva was Cosette from Les Mis and sang Castle on a Cloud to most of the neighbors. She did so good. She is a little actress. Caeleb was a dinosaur for the 2nd year in a row and so were some of his friends. Mary was a unicorn like last year, and she was a ghost at the Primary party on Saturday. Nana made that costume. Selman finally settled on Mr. incredible, and Lizzy was a fairy - she picked out her costume at the Salvation Army store in High River on Friday when I took the kids for eye appointments. The night was nice - no snow. And we covered all the standard Halloween movies in the month of October.  I love little scary movies. It was a good month. I love the Fall! 

It snowed on Wednesday. Quite the blizzard really and I was surprised school was not cancelled. Mary stayed home with Selman, Lizzy and I but Caeleb and Elva braved the weather. I worked 3 evenings of the weekend and am slowly getting used to winter driving. I got to stay home all day today. I got to go out to the barn three times to feed the chickens and cats and feed our horse and two ponies in the crisp winter air. Yep, we got a horse for Elva for her early birthday gift. A tall white 20 year old thoroughbred gentle motherly mare who is retiring on the farm. The ponies follow her around like she is their mom. I love to be out with the animals. I had a nap today with Lizzy. And watched Beauty and the Beast with Selman and Lizzy. And I love the snow when there is nowhere to go. The moon is out, the air is crisp. It was a good day. And I think I am ready for winter. 

The Spirit and the Nature of God

Just some thoughts on my mind as of late. 

I choose to believe in God. Some people do not. And some people do not really think about it and are just trying to get through life. That is ok. Who am I to judge. I go to church because I feel like it has been a great blessing in my life. I gain hope, guidance in doing good and a love for ALL people as I learn the gospel. I am grateful for a belief in a Heavenly Father who loves everyone and has allowed us all to experience life. I choose to believe that just as there are physical, emotional, intellectual components of life, there are also spiritual components. A past leader in the LDS church stated that the spirit is just of a finer substance that we can not see with our eyes. That makes sense to me. Perhaps spirit can communicate with spirit. I believe I have had experiences in my life where I have felt feelings and have had impressions that are hard to explain but cause me believe certain ideas, feel calm and peaceful inside and that make me want to love and serve all people and do good in the world.  I call this the spirit reaching me with spiritual experiences. I seek for these spiritual experiences, they give purpose to my life and help me be the person I want to be - happy, confident, motivated, kind, etc. I do not get these spiritual experiences by taking drugs or alcohol, or being in noisy and emotionally charged environments. I mostly get them when life is quiet, when I ponder, pray, read scriptures or other uplifting books, go to church, listen to gentle speakers, enjoy time in nature or just think about the meaning of life. People might rationalize these experiences in many ways but I cant deny that I have them and that they have made me a better person. So I will keep seeking for them. 

I was listening to a talk by Jeffrey R Holland yesterday on the nature of God. I agree with his perspective on God. Many people seem to fall into pascals wager explanation of God. God is all powerful, all knowing and all harsh to the point where sense and reason are discarded and mercy is cast out the window for most of mankind. This is because God is capable and willing to infinitely torture about 90% of his creation for comitting a finite life of sin (according to many believers, sin includes not believing in the trinity). Huh. That doesn't really make sense to me. Others seem to believe they don't have to do anything. Just believe in God and you will go to Heaven, no need to repent or change for the better. God will live your life and will "poof" you to perfection when you die. Hmm, I cant seem to make sense of that either. I guess I try to walk the middle road, believing that God is equally merciful as he is just in a way that we can understand. If God defined love (and the Bible and other scripture talks of love), it makes sense that he would have to live that standard of love that he wants us to follow including being fair and merciful as well as just. The LDS plan of salvation makes sense to me because it says we choose who we become and we accept the consequences for our actions. The Savior will somehow help make up the difference in this life and the next, (perhaps by giving us more opportunity to get things right - resurrection), that is if we want his help, but we still make our own choices and live our own lives. And some of our choices bring about negative consequences and some bring about good consequences. Perhaps this life and the next is just about learning to walk towards the light or love and goodness of God. It could be as simple as that. 

Figuring out Finances

 My phone died last week. My budget was on it. I try to stick to a budget. Chris usually blows my theoretical food budget when he goes grocery shopping but I don't do the greatest job at sticking to it either. I have had to increase our food budget. Even though it is hard to stick perfectly to a budget, I find having a budget written down can help one spend less and be more conscientious of their spending. 

Monthly Budget after paying taxes, EI, benefits deducted from paychecks, etc and tithing, babysitting.

Mortgage - 1150

Auto/gas/maintenance - 1400

Food/shopping - 1100

Clothing - 50

Personal care - 50

Yearly expense account (property tax1200, insurance 4800 dentist 840, etc) - 600 per month into yearly expense account. 

Car insurance 200

Cash - 50

Utilities/phone - 700

student loans - 250

Home improvement - 50

Kids RESP - 50

School - 75

Date night - 50

Katherine Spending -40

Chris Spending - 60

Animals - 100

Interest Free loan for windows - 325

6,300

Income tax return will go towards family fun, Christmas/birthdays, travel, allowance and big expenses. (5000 or so). 

Caeleb will get braces soon and even with double benefits, it will be $150 a month. And if we ever had to make the payments on the garage instead of Nathan it would be another $500 a month so I would pick up 2 extra shifts for that a month. If it comes to it. 

We need to put some money aside for fixing up the basement which really needs new concrete floors/walls.  And I pay $150 or so a month in babysitting. Oh goodness, the bills keep adding up but I am grateful for all that we have and for all that we have been able to do. 

Time goes by so fast

 I can't believe I have not written in this blog since March. Life is so busy. I know one day I will miss this time in my life, with small kids, keeping up with their home and school and after school activities, dealing with their ever changing emotions. For now, I will try my best to enjoy them the way they are in the moment. I sure wish I did not have to work while raising small kids but I plug away at it at, continuously trying to find the balance between home and work life. It might never be found in this life. The kids finished school well. Elva took piano lessons this year and Caeleb took guitar. We were lucky to have Eric and Rachel and their girls join us for Caeleb and Elva's music recitals when they flew out for a weekend the beginning of June. We also went to the zoo, swam in the Champion pool, rode ponies and played lots of board games. It was a great weekend. I worked 15 shifts in June and it was a very busy month with the kids finishing school, and me selling tickets and doing treasurer stuff for Mary's kindergarten. She actually wanted to go to school this year and is ready for a 4 days school week in grade one next year. Elva did amazing in track meet this year setting a new record for the Champion school grade 3 high jump. She is also doing better with reading. Caeleb really grew this year, physically, etc. He is almost as tall as I am. And he loves school and friends. He takes most everything in stride. 

I started a new job at the hospital next door to where I work my 0.42 at the mental health facility. I wanted to work casual (just a couple days a month) on a medical floor since I did not go back to the Rockyview after maternity leave. Working medical helps to sharpen my critical thinking skills and I have noticed I am not doing as well making medical decisions at my current job. I am getting rusty. But I did help save the life of a woman in February who I sent over to the hospital while we were getting push back by the doctors. I even got a letter from the patient's family thanking me individually. That meant so much to me. 

Anyways, I started orientating at the General Hospital the end of June and oriented 3 classroom days and 5 day and 5 evening shifts between June 27th and the end of August. I also picked up some days at my current job in mental health due to there hardly being any staff working there. I could probably work there most days if I wanted too. I suppose I should be glad that I have a secure job for now but it is frustrating how they are not at least trying to hire staff. There will be changes to the mental health center but they are not telling us what they are. It is a bit nerve wracking especially since Chris only has a temporary contract in teaching. It has been a rocky start to my new casual job at the General. I am rusty like I said before and have had some embarrassing moments but I will continue to try and I hope that I get better or will at least make the best decisions for my nursing career. I just started on Zoloft again and that has helped with my anxiety. My confidence is returning. 

We had a horrible thing happen to our Watters family the beginning of July. Chris' brother Nathaniel went missing on July 9th and was found dead out in a forested area on July 16th. He took his life and none of us even knew he was struggling with his mental health. Chris flew out the day after my birthday on July 11 to help and look for him. Mom and Aunt Marilyn and Camellia helped watch the kids that week while I worked 3 evening shifts. I was even able to take Caeleb, Stirling, Elva and Liam to kids day at the Stampede. The rides were horrible (such long lines) and the food ridiculous ($18 for a watermelon juiced) but the dog and motorcycle shows were good. Chris flew back on July 17th after they found Nathaniel and we drove out on the 18th and 19th and stayed until July 29th.  I have a wonderful family! I love my Watters family! I feel so deeply for Nathaniel's wife Suz and their kids Wyatt and Brooklyn and I wish I lived closer to them so that we could help them more. I have a strong faith that we can help each other along in this life and the next. This life is not where it ends and if there is a God (which I believe there is), we are all his children! He loves everyone and will be there for Nathaniel in this moment and every moment. We spent the time in Victoria visiting with family and helping out where we could. The ward was so good to us out there. They provided so many meals and so much support. We drove back home to Champion on the 29th so I could work a day July 30th. I ended up short shifting and working the night shift on July 30th as well. I was happy to do so. My co-workers at the mental health facility really filled in for me when we went to be with family the week before. I work with some great people! Sunday July 31 was spent at church and then the Gainors came to do a memorial for my cousin Brian Gainor who passed away 2 years ago and who's ashes were buried in the Champion cemetery. I have fond memories of my cousin Brian, his love of life, his kindness to others. We had a great walk and talk one day in the summer of 2009 I believe it was. We walked down by the Bow River. I will always remember that walk even if I do not remember what we talked about. 

Besides swimming a little at Champion pool, participating in the Smith farm chicken killing day and watching a fun roller blading class and bike class for the kids in Champion, I worked 9 shifts in a row and 11 shifts out of the 12 days we were home the end of July/beginning of August. It was brutal but I got through it. Most of it was orientation and like I said before, that has been a humbling experience. We flew back to Victoria on August 11 to attend Nathaniel's celebration of life on August 13 and 14th. It was the kids first time flying (except for Caeleb who flew at 3 months old). I worked the evening of the 10th but got off early and was able to get to Paul and Kamille's by 1100 pm where the rest of my family were sleeping. We were up at 5:00 and to the airport at 6:00 for our 9:00 flight. It was hilarious hearing Selman's screams of delight while we took off on the runway and it didn't even faze Lizzy at all. She was just obsessed with the seatbelt, the safety sheet in front of her seat and her new found love of soothers. We are so grateful that family was able to drive us around during our days in Victoria. We even took the opportunity to take the double decker bus down town with the kids. And I enjoy a morning at Butchart gardens with my sweet mother in law LouAnn. The Celebration of life was beautiful. We love Nathaniel and he will be missed! The kids had a celebration of life for their Dad on the Sunday and it was a fun time for Brooklyn and Wyatt and all the kids invited complete with painting rocks (which Nathaniel liked to do with his kids) and a bouncy castle. Nathaniel was all about fun and adventure and just loving life! We will think of you whenever we are having fun Nathaniel. We will try to love life as you did. We will also try to serve others as you did! We will be there for you and your family any way we can in this life and the next!

We flew back home the morning of the 17th of August and went to Calaway park that afternoon (we got a seasons pass and have actually been able to go 5 times this summer - just an hour or two for a few of the times on our way to and from Victoria). I worked the next 4 days. One of them was my first shift on my own at the General and it went ok I think. There is just so much to learn there, especially if they expect me to work Emerg! I have never thought of myself as a Emerg nurse but I like medicine. I guess we will see where this adventure takes me. 

After I worked the Saturday day shift, Christ picked me up at work and we went to a Barenaked Ladies concert at the Grey Eagle casino in Calgary. We stopped for seafood, went and saw our old apartment and walked around the casino (it was busy), and then enjoyed a great concert complete with the song "If I had a million dollars" and my favorite as an encore "the Old Apartment." We stayed at a cheap motel in Claresholm that evening so I could work the Sunday day shift the next day.

I was mandated to work a double shift on that Sunday August 21 and I ended up splitting the shift with the other day nurse there. He did the first half and I did the second half and then I had to drive to Camellia's house after my evening shift. I was mad about that! I love my job at the center but we need more staff! I watched Camellia's kids while she worked on the Tuesday and Thursday that week and I was more than happy too. She has helped me out so much. We also rode horses twice, picked beans and canned peaches. We drove home after celebrating Liam's birthday on Thursday July 25th (the kids went to the new Minion movie in Lethbridge while Chris met up with me to go grocery shopping). I worked the Friday and Saturday days (August 20 and 21) and we tried to go to the last pool day for Champion pool on August 20th but there was a Thunderstorm that afternoon (Mom dropped off Caeleb and Elva in the early afternoon so they at least got to enjoy some pool time while I was at work and the babysitter had the other kids). I taught Relief Society on Sunday. Last Sunday when I was at work, I was released from my calling as first councilor in the Relief Society which I had only done for a year. Kind of sad. I wonder if I was not doing a good enough job. Anyways, I taught the lesson and then enjoyed the rest of the day at home with my family - it seems like it has been forever that I have enjoyed a Sunday afternoon at home. On Monday, we went to do some last minute school shopping in Lethbride and Camellia and I watched each other's kids (and Mom watched Selman and Lizzy at home) while Camellia and I were used as guinea pigs for her niece's eyelash extension class. We also met up with my friend Lindsey and went to Henderson pool. Such a beautiful pool.

Tuesday was the kids first day back at Champion school and Chris' first day back teaching at Milo (though he spent last week there preparing). He has another temporary contract there until February. Caeleb is in grade 7, Elva in grade 4 and Mary in grade 1. There are about 50 kids in Champion school. There were about 130 kids when I went to school there. Please move to Champion. I can't believe I have a kid in Junior high. Time goes by so fast! I have been enjoying the last 2 days at home, going no where! Just being here with Selman and Lizzy, catching up on laundry, going for a walk, washing the floor, catching up on my blog. I love life on the Farm and I feel so blessed to live here! 

Health journeys and a quick journey to Victoria

On January 23, our whole family got the stomach flu. I always find it amazing how a stomach bug can go through a house so fast. Lizzy actually got it a couple of days earlier. then Elva had it Sunday morning, then me, then Mary, then Chris, then Selman and Finally Caeleb started throwing up when he woke up Monday morning. Monday was spent staying home from work and school, going from kid to kid, emptying throw up buckets, topping up glasses of gingerale and pedialyte, watching movies and resting. It is kind of nice to be together and doing nothing but resting all day. That same day, we found out that Chris' mom had a bilateral Pulmonary Embolism and they had to do CPR for 10 minutes. We experienced a miracle and she recovered and is doing very well. Even still, it shook up the whole Watters family and we really wanted to go out and visit everyone. A little over 3 weeks later, we were able to drive out there for family day and reading week (which both Chris and the kids got off) . I picked up a last minute night shift the night before and then we left at 9:00 that morning and drove to Salmon Arm where we stayed at a Hotel and met up with my good friend Lindsey. We ordered in Pizza and the kids had fun swimming in the Hotel pool. Elva and Caeleb are at a fun age where they could spend all day in a pool. We all were asleep by 9:30 or so (even Lindsey who ended up staying the night). We got up at 7:30, had a bag breakfast at the hotel and were on our way just after 9:00 am. We got to Tsawwassen ferry terminal a little after 2:00 but did not get on until the 5:00 ferry as it was a long weekend and very busy. We spent the Saturday, Sunday and Monday night at Jared's house - the girls were at Rachel and Eric's and Caeleb stayed at Wendy's house. We were not planning on staying at the parents as we wanted to make sure Lou Ann was recovering well and we were not an extra burden but we did end up staying there Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday evening. We had family Supper together on Sunday, Tuesday (Taco 02022022 Tuesday) and Thursday, we had a volleyball night at the church with most of the family on the Monday and a games night on the Thursday night. It was so good to see everyone! Except we did not see Kurt or Alby as they do not seem to want to interact with the family anymore and it makes everyone so sad. Chris had online teachers conference on Thursday and Friday and he did that at Jared's house while I watched the kids at Gary and Lou Ann's. We went to two beaches while we were on the Island. It was beautiful when we went to Island View beach which is only a few minutes from the parent's house. It can be quite windy there but it was absolutely beautiful the day we went and if it is nice out, we may camp there this summer for a couple of nights. We left on the 4:00 pm ferry on Friday after Chris finished his teachers conference. I picked him up at Jared's at 2:15 and we drove around the Land's End part of the peninsula until it was time to go to the Ferry. We then drove until Kamloops and we arrived at Chris' cousin Athena's place at 9:30 pm. She and her husband and girls are so kind to us. They have a beautiful place and they are a beautiful family. It was so good to see family on this trip! We visited that night and we slept well. We left around 9:15 in the morning and stopped for supper at a sushi/korean place in Golden around 3:30. We made it home by 8:30 pm. I had to work the next day after church which was Sunday Feb 27th. Then I short shifted and worked Monday day shift (thanks Mom and Dad for watching the 3 youngest) and then I worked Tuesday evening, Saturday and Sunday day shift. During these last few weeks, my uncle has been ill and in the hospital for a few weeks, a cousin has needed foot surgery and another close family member has had Gullstone attacks. It has been a crazy last 6 weeks for our immediate and extended family. I am hoping for a happy, healthy spring coming up.

A wonderful Christmas

It is time to get back to writing about our family. I was kind of anxious about Christmas this year, well not about Christmas exactly, but about the fact that I would be starting work 2 days after Christmas. I thought it was going to put a damper on the whole Christmas experience. But on the contrary, it was a simple and yet wonderful Christmas. The kids had the week off before Christmas and we finished up some Christmas shopping on Friday December 17th as Chris had eye surgery that day for a droopy eye. While he was doing that, Caeleb and Elizabeth and I braved Chinook Mall during the Christmas season. It was not too busy at 1000 in the morning. That weekend Christ spent time recuperating. On Sunday December 19th, Champion had an activity planned complete with fires for cooking smores, hot chocolate and a wagon ride. We normally would not do this on a Sunday but I needed to meet up with a fellow kindergarten parent for something school related and I was happy to support our little village. Camellia and Doug and the family came on the Monday for a yummy Ham supper. We had a little program on the Monday night and the kids did the Nativity and the older kids played pieces on the piano and Caeleb on the guitar. On the Tuesday, our ward did a little Nativity and Caeleb played a Shepard and Mary and Elva were Angels. They probably wore the same Angel costumes I did when I was their age doing the Nativity in the Champion ward. It was a cold week that week before Christmas but we did get out sledding and the kids rode the ponies once. Oh, did I tell you we got 2 ponies from a family near Stavely that needed to rehome their ponies. It cost us $500 for the two of them together. We got them for Elva's birthday. One is named Fergie and other is Timbit. I can not ride them as they are too small but I love to lead the kids around on them. Horses are my favorite! 

We had our Turkey dinner on Friday Christmas Eve just like Chris' family does every year. What a great idea. We are never going back. That way Christmas day was/is for opening gifts and just being together. We had our friend Meike Snow over for Christmas Evening dinner. Mom, Dad and Nathan came over and we watched the kids school Christmas concert after supper (it was recorded online). Selman disappeared during this and it took us a while to find him after Miss Snow left. He was fast asleep under Mary's bed. The kids were up at 6:30 on Christmas day and we waited until 7:00 for them to open their stockings. Then we had cracked wheat for breakfast and waited for Mom and Dad and Nathan to come over for opening gifts at 9:00. 

I think we did better this year on getting the right amount of gifts. Two years ago we got way too much, last year was a bit better and this year was pretty good. Each kid got a gift from Santa, one from another kid (they drew names) and one from Mom and Dad.  And then they got one from Nana/Papa and Grandma who always gives the kids a Christmas tree ornament. Uncle Nate and Aunty Suz had our name this year and gave us a game and we had Grandma Watters this year and got her a bunch of things including homemade turtles like usual, shoes, etc. My parents, Camellia and Doug and us did not really give each other gifts but instead we went to a fun Hotel in Lethbridge a few days after Christmas for the night. This Hotel has a little wave pool, hot tube, two slides and Tony Romas restaurant attached to it which was great because it was so cold. It is our new favorite hotel. 

I started work the day after Boxing Day. It is always hard to go back. The second shift was hard because I totally botched an injection but I have been getting my confidence back and it is going well. I did not want to go back to work on New Years day after my first two shifts a few days before and that put a bit of a damper on New Years Eve. We had Chinese food and I ended up going to bed early being discouraged about work but then I experienced a tender mercy from God. I woke up happy at 11:50 pm and was able to help the big kids and Chris bring in the New Year with music and dancing and it was fun! 

Back to work. Work helps with our finances. I was only getting about $1000 a month for EI and now I make more than twice as much and we can pay our mortgage and student loans down faster. It makes life easier with 2 incomes. 

I am working 2 days a week and I pick up here and there. It is manageable. I have decided that I get just as much work done at home when I am a part time working mom as when I am not a working mom. That is hard to accept but it is true. It is just as well that I work a little. It is good for me to be around people at work of all different backgrounds, ideas, beliefs, experiences, and I learn from all of them. It has given me a well rounded perspective on life and a balanced world view and I am grateful for that. I KNOW God loves them all the same just as he does all people. I feel like people who live a sheltered life might be influenced on how they perceive other people. I see so much judgement these days, especially when it comes to religion. I am grateful that the church I go to has taught me to believe that God will do the most that he can for all his Children - which is everyone who has ever existed. God takes everything into account when looking at our lives and he does NOT throw out the people who do not have perfect understanding or have been influenced to think in certain ways! Some people appear to think that he does. I really feel like everything he does is out of love for all people. He wants us to follow him, repent, change for the better and come closer to him so that we do not need to face the consequences of poor choices. That is how I feel. 

One thing that is hard about work is that I want to be at the crossroads at my kids' lives and work makes it so that is not always the case. I also want to be there for Chris who always seems to have a lot of work to do. When I am working, I can't be there to watch the kids so he can get his work done and it always makes home life a little more chaotic. 

Anyways, it was a great Christmas and I choose to believe this will be the best year yet. Bye for now. 

Bullying

Many years ago, I heard of a teenage girl who killed herself in one of the Maritime provinces. I believe she was experiencing cyberbullying. That was the first I have heard of that and I was so confused as why internet bullying would cause a young girl to take her life. Now, I am quite familiar with it. So many youth take their lives or want to every year because of people bullying them on the internet. A few weeks ago, I was looking up the difference between the Plan of Salvation in my religious beliefs and those of Christians. I was disappointed in the negative comments on the youtube channel and the negativity in the video itself. I posted a comment. And I was attacked for it. I fought back. I admit I had a contentious spirit with me too. It was 3 people against me. I was told that I should not be a mom, I was told I belong in Hell, I was told to go to Hell, etc. I apologized for being contentious and no one apologized back. It was clear to the others that I was the stupid one, I was the one at fault, I was the sinner, my sin being so great that I deserved endless punishment in Hell.  I understood a little of what those people feel who have been bullied on the internet, at school, work, anywhere. I wanted to give up. My daughter has been bullied a little at school. We have good snuggles and talks at night before bed when I am not working. I talked to her about my experience in a way that she could understand though I think it may have caused her to have a nightmare because she joined us in bed last night. I talked to her about the importance of being open and honest and to talk about bullying if it happens to her. I hope that my kids will always come to me with their problems. It is important to not keep feelings bottled up inside and to get help when needed. I also hope that we may all respect the beliefs of others. No one has all the answers. No one is perfect. We do not need to judge, we just need to love!

Judgment Day

This is how I think other Christians think of me right now. I know it is dark. But it has been how I am feeling lately. Don't worry about me though. I am happy most of the time. Family life is great. Work is great. Church is great. Life really is wonderful. But when I allow myself to think about how some Christians think about my faith right now, my thoughts lead me here. 

Judgment Day 

It is Judgment day. I have been waiting for this day for what feels like forever. I lived my life full of hope and faith. I felt God's love for me, I felt peace, I tried to follow Jesus in the way I knew how. I was far from perfect, I was a wretched sinner, but I was trying to do the best I could under the circumstances of my life. Then I died and all the love was taken away. For what seems like a thousand years now, all I have known is darkness and confusion. There seems to be nothing out there. I am alone, afraid, in pain.

But today is Judgment Day. I see a light growing in the distance. There is a man walking towards me. It is Jesus! He looks exactly like I always imagined him to be. I feel the love and hope and peace coming back again. It has been so long since I have felt these feelings. 

"Lord," I say. "Are you here to rescue me? Please, I am so alone, I feel so dark." 

Jesus looks at me sadly and shakes his head. "No," he says quietly. "You are not one of mine. I do not love you". 

I weep openly. "Please Lord. I tried in my life. I know I am a sinner. But I had hope, I had faith, even though it was not perfect. That faith was a power in me to do good to others, to love others, and I felt bad and tried to repent when I did wrong. I chose to seek for the spirit, to believe in all truth and this belief led me to trust you. I am so grateful for your Atonement for me. It and you are everything to me. Lord... I love you."

Jesus looks into my soul and it stops me from uttering another word. He says "I know you are sincere in what you believe, I know you love me and that you tried to follow me, I know you had faith in me". He pauses, "but you did not believe the way you needed to in order to be saved. Your faith is not saving faith and you are not good enough for me. I do not know you. " 

I feel my body fall to a heap on a surface as I weep openly. Wait! I have a body again. I look at it. It is new, perfect. I look at the Savior, tears streaming down my face. I have a tiny bit of hope. 

"Go" he says and he points down a path. I get up and move down this path. I will go anywhere he asks me to go. It is a comfort to feel my body again. Oh, how I have missed it! As I venture down this path, I see people off to the side. I recognize them. They are my friends, fellow followers of Christ, even though they never considered me to be a fellow follower. I feel hope again as I look at them and reach out to them. Each one of them looks at me, and then turns away, back to the golden tables behind them, full of food and drink. Some look at me as though they have no emotion at all. Some point and laugh at me. Some of them look at me with a look of recognition, that they may know me, but have forgotten me. They all eventually turn away for good, never to look back. They walk towards Christ and I continue down the path that I was told to go on. As I go, the sliver of love, peace and hope that I had felt when I met the Savior, fades away into nothing. I stop and turn around. There is no more light behind me. There is no light in front of me. The terrifying darkness envelops my body and I sit in the void, once again confused, hopeless, alone and scared. There is nothing but black, not even the smallest sliver of light. No one comes to rescue me. 

Spiritual Journey

I know I have talked a lot about my reflections on Spiritual things in recent months. Before Christmas, Chris and I talked to my friend, her husband and their Pastor and his wife. They are such wonderful  people! The question that we wanted answered was, "how do you know how to find truth." We believe that the Spirit testifies of truth. They believe, or so it seems, that all spiritual truth will be found in the Bible or will be compatible with the teachings of the Bible because the Bible is inerrant. I accepted a challenge to keep reading the Bible and I am doing so trying to be neutral and childlike in my interpretations of Biblical scripture. I am even trying to listen to their side of things and interpret scripture with their views in mind. I am trying to see where these Calvinist evangelical Christians are coming from. I am even trying to believe what they believe. I am open to truth and I have to say, they have taught me to put more emphasis on being saved through Grace and Faith, which is very true. After all, we could never EVER do enough to save ourselves. It is only through faith in Christ that we are saved. However, faith without works is dead. These people appear to choose to be close minded and so I am not sure they have learned anything good from LDS beliefs. That makes me sad, but I will continue to be open minded and search for truth everywhere. I am so far from perfect but I am trying to understand the truth that is out there and I hope that it will make me a better person. I want to be the type of person that loves everyone, sees the good in all people and does not judge. I work with all types of people of different religions, different backgrounds, different ethnic groups, different ideas and beliefs. I am no better than anyone else and I want to see the good in all people and all truth that is out there. Anyways, this is what I have concluded so far. 

There is not a clear and absolute claim in the Bible that says the Bible is the only Scripture out there. "All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness." 2 Timothy 3:16. This does not mean that all scripture is in the 66 books of the Bible. The Bible also is not clear in saying it is inerrant or not. There is no reason to believe that the Bible is absolutely perfect unless you are fearful that God will damn you to hell if you do not believe that it is inerrant or if you do not believe your interpretation is 100% correct. Is that really how God is? If he is the type of being that wants to send the people he created to Hell because they do not understand certain things, (even if they have pure intent in their beliefs and their beliefs cause them to come closer to Christ), then there is nothing we can do about it. That is just the perceived Tyrant that he is. We can just live in fear and be driven by fear. But Chris and I choose to be driven by Faith, not fear. Faith in a God that is perfectly Just and Merciful, that will see into the hearts of all his creations, who will know of their situation in life and their pure intent or lack thereof. I truly believe God loves us all! I have been asking my friend a lot of questions about this wrathful, judgmental God that she sees in the Bible. The wrath and judgement that she sees in the Biblical God appears to outweigh, in her mind, the love and Mercy that I see in the same God. It appears that some people base their closeminded beliefs out of fear while some base their openminded beliefs out of faith. I am very fearful when I try to believe what other Christians believe. How could I get any peace when I know that most of mankind will suffer in hell just because they see things differently. Who cares if I am saved, when others are not saved just because they believe differently, even if they have faith in Christ. There is no peace for me in this and I struggle to understand why my friend tells me I will have peace as long as I accept the Bible in the same way (inerrant way) and interpret it the way she does. Trying to accept the Bible in that way has driven away this peace that I have had so fully in my life! 

Some see a Bible that only has the perfect writings of God while others see a Bible that has the perfect inspired writings of God mixed with the imperfect writings and interpretations of Man. And yet some Christians appear to have already cast those who believe the Bible is not perfect, to Hell. That seems very wrong to me. But what I can conclude with that, is that these closeminded people appear to base belief out of fear and not faith. I can not blame them in this. There are many times that the Bible talks of a harsh God. And I agree that the Bible would be the apparent standard to hold truth up to as our carnal minds can lead us astray. But does that mean it is perfect? I choose to focus on God's love for me and for everyone. I choose to focus on a merciful God that will accept the faith, even a tiny seed of faith, of people who are pure of heart, and are seeking truth with sincere intent through the Holy Spirit, even if they are imperfect vessels and will not always get it right. If a belief in Christ brings you to follow him, is it not a good thing? 

I will continue to read the scriptures and to seek truth through the Holy Spirit. I will try my best to be open to all truth, wherever it is found. I choose to have faith and not fear! Faith in a God that loves everyone, that wants the most for everyone. This Faith causes me to love God and worship him even more. This Faith drives me to want to obey God's commandments, to ask for forgiveness when I do wrong, to follow Christ's example, to go to church, to read the scriptures, to seek for purity and righteousness, to show charity to others, to seek truth through the promptings of the Holy Ghost and to live in such a way that I can receive further light and knowledge. 

I am so very grateful that I know of a Plan of Salvation that is all about learning to walk by faith and offers the most to every person who has ever or will ever exist. I am so very grateful for my belief in a Loving God who receives his glory as all his children, every single person, come closer to him because he knows it is the way to his and their eternal happiness. God loves all of us, Jesus Christ lives and is our Savior. These things I know.