Judgment Day

This is how I think other Christians think of me right now. I know it is dark. But it has been how I am feeling lately. Don't worry about me though. I am happy most of the time. Family life is great. Work is great. Church is great. Life really is wonderful. But when I allow myself to think about how some Christians think about my faith right now, my thoughts lead me here. 

Judgment Day 

It is Judgment day. I have been waiting for this day for what feels like forever. I lived my life full of hope and faith. I felt God's love for me, I felt peace, I tried to follow Jesus in the way I knew how. I was far from perfect, I was a wretched sinner, but I was trying to do the best I could under the circumstances of my life. Then I died and all the love was taken away. For what seems like a thousand years now, all I have known is darkness and confusion. There seems to be nothing out there. I am alone, afraid, in pain.

But today is Judgment Day. I see a light growing in the distance. There is a man walking towards me. It is Jesus! He looks exactly like I always imagined him to be. I feel the love and hope and peace coming back again. It has been so long since I have felt these feelings. 

"Lord," I say. "Are you here to rescue me? Please, I am so alone, I feel so dark." 

Jesus looks at me sadly and shakes his head. "No," he says quietly. "You are not one of mine. I do not love you". 

I weep openly. "Please Lord. I tried in my life. I know I am a sinner. But I had hope, I had faith, even though it was not perfect. That faith was a power in me to do good to others, to love others, and I felt bad and tried to repent when I did wrong. I chose to seek for the spirit, to believe in all truth and this belief led me to trust you. I am so grateful for your Atonement for me. It and you are everything to me. Lord... I love you."

Jesus looks into my soul and it stops me from uttering another word. He says "I know you are sincere in what you believe, I know you love me and that you tried to follow me, I know you had faith in me". He pauses, "but you did not believe the way you needed to in order to be saved. Your faith is not saving faith and you are not good enough for me. I do not know you. " 

I feel my body fall to a heap on a surface as I weep openly. Wait! I have a body again. I look at it. It is new, perfect. I look at the Savior, tears streaming down my face. I have a tiny bit of hope. 

"Go" he says and he points down a path. I get up and move down this path. I will go anywhere he asks me to go. It is a comfort to feel my body again. Oh, how I have missed it! As I venture down this path, I see people off to the side. I recognize them. They are my friends, fellow followers of Christ, even though they never considered me to be a fellow follower. I feel hope again as I look at them and reach out to them. Each one of them looks at me, and then turns away, back to the golden tables behind them, full of food and drink. Some look at me as though they have no emotion at all. Some point and laugh at me. Some of them look at me with a look of recognition, that they may know me, but have forgotten me. They all eventually turn away for good, never to look back. They walk towards Christ and I continue down the path that I was told to go on. As I go, the sliver of love, peace and hope that I had felt when I met the Savior, fades away into nothing. I stop and turn around. There is no more light behind me. There is no light in front of me. The terrifying darkness envelops my body and I sit in the void, once again confused, hopeless, alone and scared. There is nothing but black, not even the smallest sliver of light. No one comes to rescue me. 

Spiritual Journey

I know I have talked a lot about my reflections on Spiritual things in recent months. Before Christmas, Chris and I talked to my friend, her husband and their Pastor and his wife. They are such wonderful  people! The question that we wanted answered was, "how do you know how to find truth." We believe that the Spirit testifies of truth. They believe, or so it seems, that all spiritual truth will be found in the Bible or will be compatible with the teachings of the Bible because the Bible is inerrant. I accepted a challenge to keep reading the Bible and I am doing so trying to be neutral and childlike in my interpretations of Biblical scripture. I am even trying to listen to their side of things and interpret scripture with their views in mind. I am trying to see where these Calvinist evangelical Christians are coming from. I am even trying to believe what they believe. I am open to truth and I have to say, they have taught me to put more emphasis on being saved through Grace and Faith, which is very true. After all, we could never EVER do enough to save ourselves. It is only through faith in Christ that we are saved. However, faith without works is dead. These people appear to choose to be close minded and so I am not sure they have learned anything good from LDS beliefs. That makes me sad, but I will continue to be open minded and search for truth everywhere. I am so far from perfect but I am trying to understand the truth that is out there and I hope that it will make me a better person. I want to be the type of person that loves everyone, sees the good in all people and does not judge. I work with all types of people of different religions, different backgrounds, different ethnic groups, different ideas and beliefs. I am no better than anyone else and I want to see the good in all people and all truth that is out there. Anyways, this is what I have concluded so far. 

There is not a clear and absolute claim in the Bible that says the Bible is the only Scripture out there. "All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness." 2 Timothy 3:16. This does not mean that all scripture is in the 66 books of the Bible. The Bible also is not clear in saying it is inerrant or not. There is no reason to believe that the Bible is absolutely perfect unless you are fearful that God will damn you to hell if you do not believe that it is inerrant or if you do not believe your interpretation is 100% correct. Is that really how God is? If he is the type of being that wants to send the people he created to Hell because they do not understand certain things, (even if they have pure intent in their beliefs and their beliefs cause them to come closer to Christ), then there is nothing we can do about it. That is just the perceived Tyrant that he is. We can just live in fear and be driven by fear. But Chris and I choose to be driven by Faith, not fear. Faith in a God that is perfectly Just and Merciful, that will see into the hearts of all his creations, who will know of their situation in life and their pure intent or lack thereof. I truly believe God loves us all! I have been asking my friend a lot of questions about this wrathful, judgmental God that she sees in the Bible. The wrath and judgement that she sees in the Biblical God appears to outweigh, in her mind, the love and Mercy that I see in the same God. It appears that some people base their closeminded beliefs out of fear while some base their openminded beliefs out of faith. I am very fearful when I try to believe what other Christians believe. How could I get any peace when I know that most of mankind will suffer in hell just because they see things differently. Who cares if I am saved, when others are not saved just because they believe differently, even if they have faith in Christ. There is no peace for me in this and I struggle to understand why my friend tells me I will have peace as long as I accept the Bible in the same way (inerrant way) and interpret it the way she does. Trying to accept the Bible in that way has driven away this peace that I have had so fully in my life! 

Some see a Bible that only has the perfect writings of God while others see a Bible that has the perfect inspired writings of God mixed with the imperfect writings and interpretations of Man. And yet some Christians appear to have already cast those who believe the Bible is not perfect, to Hell. That seems very wrong to me. But what I can conclude with that, is that these closeminded people appear to base belief out of fear and not faith. I can not blame them in this. There are many times that the Bible talks of a harsh God. And I agree that the Bible would be the apparent standard to hold truth up to as our carnal minds can lead us astray. But does that mean it is perfect? I choose to focus on God's love for me and for everyone. I choose to focus on a merciful God that will accept the faith, even a tiny seed of faith, of people who are pure of heart, and are seeking truth with sincere intent through the Holy Spirit, even if they are imperfect vessels and will not always get it right. If a belief in Christ brings you to follow him, is it not a good thing? 

I will continue to read the scriptures and to seek truth through the Holy Spirit. I will try my best to be open to all truth, wherever it is found. I choose to have faith and not fear! Faith in a God that loves everyone, that wants the most for everyone. This Faith causes me to love God and worship him even more. This Faith drives me to want to obey God's commandments, to ask for forgiveness when I do wrong, to follow Christ's example, to go to church, to read the scriptures, to seek for purity and righteousness, to show charity to others, to seek truth through the promptings of the Holy Ghost and to live in such a way that I can receive further light and knowledge. 

I am so very grateful that I know of a Plan of Salvation that is all about learning to walk by faith and offers the most to every person who has ever or will ever exist. I am so very grateful for my belief in a Loving God who receives his glory as all his children, every single person, come closer to him because he knows it is the way to his and their eternal happiness. God loves all of us, Jesus Christ lives and is our Savior. These things I know.