Dear Chris, tender mercy

 Dear Chris,

I just want to tell you about an experience that happened to me yesterday. Actually, I already told you. I just want to write it down. I was exhausted yesterday. I am even more exhausted today Shift work is hard. An evening shift Wednesday, then an night shift following (double shift). Then Friday off and a day shift Saturday. Then off to Saturday evening Stake conference. Then daylight savings happened so one less hour of sleep Saturday night. Then an evening shift Sunday after Stake conference in the morning. 

I was so tired yesterday, I was in tears. Caeleb and Elva came to comfort me. They cried with me in selfless empathy. It was a beautiful christlike experience. I want them to know, especially Caeleb, that it is ok to show emotion. It is ok to cry. It seems like men think it is not ok to cry. I think that is part of the reason why suicide rates are higher in men. For some reason, they feel like they can't show emotion. 

It is ok to show emotion when you are sad. It is ok to have empathy for others, to feel what they feel. Yes, it is important to be able to function and reason on top of that, but empathy can lead to love. 

And I felt the empathy of Caeleb and Elva. I am so grateful for them in my life.

love Katherine

Dear Chris part 3

Dear Chris,

I don't think you read this blog often so I am not sure why I keep writing you here but I do. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders today. I feel like a single parent most of the time. 

You don't really think of us when you are at work Monday to Friday. I did ask you to do come follow me with us in the evening and I am glad you are accommodating that. The kids need that daily interaction with their Dad. And you have many good insights into the scriptures. I have always admired that about you. 

I am happy you can unwind each evening for an hour or two Monday to Thursday in your room in Drumheller. It is important to have you time. You work so hard as a teacher!

I love you and I don't want you to have more than you can handle. I think you probably have a good balance between you time and work time when you are in Drumheller. I love your tidy, cozy, quiet little room at your place there. I am happy for you. 

love Katherine 

Dear Chris part 2

Dear Chris,

More tender mercies happened. I was mandated to work a night shift last night (after my evening shift) as the night nurse called in at 8:00 pm. Like I said in my last little note to you, it was a tender mercy having mom and dad sleep at our place last night as I did not worry about the kids in the night. Also, I was able to handle it well, just like I said in the last note. It is a good place to work. Staffing is ridiculous but the work is good and manageable. 

Dad is up and ready for the day. Now mom will watch Lizzy while I head to bed for a few hours. Then it is parent teacher interviews after school and picking the kids up from mentorship. Then maybe we will watch a movie or I will just head to an early bed if the kids allow it. 

Sometimes life seems hard to manage. But if working a double last night was manageable, and tender mercies can be recognized on top of it, life in general can be manageable too. 

love Katherine

Later on...

It is 8:50 pm and I just got Dad to bed. I am exhausted after working last night, even after sleeping hours this morning. 

I love my parents and am happy to help. I am happy they are here with us as their furnace gets fixed. 

I have been thinking about double standards in life. I don't want to be guilty of them. I am sure I am, especially when I try to cut back my kids  screen time and yet I have unlimited phone time. I need to do better. I have signed out of Facebook and don't know the password to sign back on so that is a start. I look at other people in my life and see double standards and I get confused. I can't really say more about that here or now. But it is confusing to me. 

You know I struggle with the whole work thing. My mom was mostly a stay at home mom and so was yours. But in reality, my kids probably won't be. They will most likely work alot. The baby boomer generation started the ball rolling faster for double incomes and the inflation that followed. When my kids work, they may see the double standard if I didnt /don't work as much. Everyone can handle different amounts of work and stress but I can not expect my kids to handle more than what I have to handle. I can work and do it well and not complain. I see the value in being a stay at home mom, but, I have been blessed with the job I have, even when I am mandated to work double shifts at times. 

Now off to bed

Love Katherine

Dear Chris

 Dear Chris,

I miss you, so I am blogging as though I am writing you. 

Well, I am here at work, a bit early and ready to start my evening shift. Hopefully I can handle whatever comes my way. But the nice thing about working at the Center is that I almost always feel like I can handle it. It is a good job. 

Mom and Dad have been staying at our place the last 2 nights because their furnace quit. It is getting replaced today but they will stay tonight as well. It is a tender mercy to have them over. I don't worry as much about the kids tonight when mom is around. So that is a tender mercy. 

Caeleb and Elva have been reading the binder of emails I wrote to my family when I at BYUI. It is fun to read them and I am glad mom printed and kept them together. 

I have always been a writer since my young adult years. It is therapeutic. I keep saying that. 

Well I have some co-workers here talking to me so I better go. 

Hope you are doing well and that Teaching is fun and exciting and that your work load is not more than you can bear. 

Love Katherine

Empathy

I am an empathetic person. A friend of mine once called me an empath. I feel things deeply. I feel the trials of others as though they are my own. I especially feel the trials of other people who feel things deeply. It can be hard. But it helps me put myself into other people's shoes. And that helps me know how to serve others. It also helps me think of different scenarios and imagine different outcomes in my life. And it causes me many tears and other emotions. 

Lately I have be thinking alot about how so many Christians believe God will only save about 10% of the total population. They don't  allow themselves to give it a number, but if one allows him or herself to think outside the box, I would say that is a fairly good estimate for what some people would call "true Christians." About 10% of mankind. I can't believe that 90% of Gods creation will suffer in eternal torment. It would destroy me to think that way and I dont understand why it doesn't cause those that think that way to be in a constant depth of despair. Perhaps there is a lack in empathy? 

I focus on the charity of God. The pure love of Christ. His atonement was the ultimate act of Charity. He felt all anyone has felt or will ever feel. The pain, sorrow, confusion. And he died for us. We can not fully understand it. But we can trust it will make all things right in this life and/or the next. 

The scriptures do say without Charity, ye are nothing. What does that mean? When Christ was on this earth, he spent so much time with the sinner, the lonely, the sick. He wept with the family and friends of Lazerus upon his death. He felt what others felt. He stood in their shoes. He stands in our shoes. He has empathy and with that empathy comes Charity. I think that means Christ will be the perfect judge and advocate for all mankind. 

I don't think the Pastors I have talked too understand this. Because to them, it appears that one must check off certain boxes of beliefs about Christ to avoid eternal torture. I can't really blame them. They go to years of school to learn theology. It is all about theology. Or so it seems. Understandably though... that is their livelihood. 

I think there is more to life than believing the right way in this life in order to avoid eternal torture. Otherwise, why would God not influence most of his creation to believe a certain way? 

What is this life truly about? Is it not about learning to be more like Christ? To learn by faith, not having all the answers? No one has all the answers. We all walk by faith. Is this life the time to be put into the imperfect circumstances needed to learn true empathy that leads to charity towards all mankind? I think it is. 

The Women in my Life

I am writing alot lately. But I just needed to express my gratitude this morning! I have been thinking alot about the women in my life. My mom is an example of plugging away when life gets hard. She is a hard worker. I read a poem once about a Mother's hands. I need to find that poem again. My Mother's hands may been calloused from the many weeds she has pulled, the meals she has prepared, the people she has served throughout her life, and she still is going strong even with the aches and pains of all the work she had done. I look up to her example. 

I am just listening to Elva's singing lesson right now and I am grateful for her singing teacher. Her house is clean and tidy (mine not so much), with bread rising on the counter. She is part of our Relief Society of Champion ward and does so much for so many people. And yet she still takes time to share her music talents and teach Elva. 

Elva and Caeleb have a piano teacher from our ward who has taken them under her wing. She was my grade 2 and 6 teacher and those were some of my best and most memorable years at school. She taught by music and music makes memories. She gives of her time and talents to help those in the community. 

I am grateful for all the women in Champion ward and in Champion town. I see so many hands of service. 

I am grateful to be able to serve others. Mostly it is my kids and parents, and the patients at work at the moment. But I am able to serve others time to time and I had a good visit with a friend the other day as I helped her move things around in her house. 

Isn't service just sharing and seeing God's love in life. Are we not all instruments in God's hands? 

Your gonna miss this

I like country music. It is always the music I go back too after hopping from 80s to 90s to classical to modern. I have to admit, classical was a childhood staple as we listen to Bach and Mozart while going to sleep as kids, as well as Les Miserables on my walkman for any road trip. I memorized most of that musical.

But I come back to country time and time again. I remember sleeping outside on the trampoline or in blanket made hammocks as a child and falling asleep to country music that Nathan played on his old radio that looked like a tiny TV. 

John Micheal Montgomery, George Strait, Alan Jackson, Paul Brant. And many others. I have learned to love the oldies in recent years such as Hank Williams. There is something soothing about his voice. 

There's a modernish country song called you'r gonna miss this. I am thinking about it now. 

I know that the tiredness, the business, the anxiety, the chaos and confusion of having a job, kids and a million things to do and places to be will go by too quickly and I am going to miss this someday. So I will hold onto it as long as I can. I am just watching 8 year old Mary sleep next to me. Sometimes 3 or 4 kids will end up with me in bed and I wake up with aches from sleeping in weird positions. But that is ok. I will miss this someday and I feel so blessed to have what I have. I am grateful to God for life. 

On a tangent...speaking of life...

I want to write a book someday. It will be about spiritual philosophies on life, explained in a metaphor. It will be about a young boy from a place called Innocence. Lets call him Noble. This boy has heared of the ultimate journey to a wonderful kingdom that he can find if he decides to venture out on difficult journey. In order to find this Kingdom, he is told that he needs to solve 3 riddles, each with a time limit. He starts this journey with 10 other people. When he comes upon the places where he is to solve the riddles, he sees people in need. One man in particular. This man offers him words of wisdom and Noble chooses to trust him. Noble chooses to help those in need and in doing so, he either misses the opportunity to solve the riddles or he gets the riddles wrong and is unable to obtain passage to the right path to the kingdom. These riddles are confusing and hard to get right. Noble is not a scholar. 

He gets lost in the forest while helping one in need and he stumbles onto a glorious golden fence. He beholds a beautiful kingdom beyond, with beautiful weedless gardens and delicious food set on tables of gold, yet he cannot get inside. There is no gate for him. He sees two of his friends that he started his journey with. They are beyond the golden fence. They are eating and drinking, singing and laughing. Noble calls out to these two friends and asks about the others that they came with. One of them reminds him that some of their friends were lost early on in the journey for various reasons. Others did not get the riddles right and consequencely were led down a different path. One of them on the other side of the fence states smugly, "what does it matter where these people are, I got all I want and need here. I am well fed, well entertained, comfy and happy" The other friend looks cowardly towards Noble, avoiding eye contact and hesitantly states "I don't know where our other friends are but I shall not go after them. I will stay here where it is safe." 

Noble looks as them with confusion and sadness. He does not remember his friends being so selfish. He continues down the path he is on to look for the others. The path takes him to a dungeon under the kingdom. It is dark, wet, cold, awful. The only light is from fires that burn the flesh as people get too close. There is no way out. He finds his 7 other friends in that place. He helps those friends and the many that are there. He sings to them, he gives of his food in his backpack and his coat off his back. He offers them hope, warmth and light. They are in despair. 

The wise man from the Journey finds Noble in the Dungeon. He teaches Noble and lets Noble decide what he wants to do. Noble wants to stay and help his friends rather than enjoy the luxuries above. This desire triggers something in the wise man and he shows his true, magnificent colors. He leads Noble and all who choose to go with him (after learning more of what the wise man has to say), on another jounry. It is a harder journey, up a mountain beyond the kingdom. They take their time and help each other along. The view at the top is incredible. The King is there, overlooking his kingdom. He teaches them what to look for and this allows Noble and all who desire too, to see in the distance those who have just started their journey from the land of Innocence. Those at the top of the mountain can make the choice to continue a difficult journey back to the start to be wise men for those there, and to help those who need help, who are reaching for something more. 

This is all I've got for now. If I don't write this book, maybe someone who thinks like me will. 

Anyways, I best be going to bed. Just wanted to write my thoughts down. 

Christmas time

It was a great Christmas! It just went too fast. I picked up 5 shifts and worked my regular 3. I shouldn't have picked up so much. I regret that. But the time and a half for working boxing day was nice. It will help us as we save up for an RV trip this summer. Camellia and Doug are going to rent Doug's brothers RV and we will share the cost and caravan with them in our Van. I wish my brother Nathan would go but he said no already. He is in a dark place it seems. It is hard and makes my anxiety thrive.

Friday December 1st, our ward did the Champion Nativity and it was really good. Not cold like last year. The town does hot chocolate, hot dogs and hay rides and it makes for a fun evening. Chris was a Wiseman, Caeleb was a Wiseman helper, and Mary, Elva and I were Angel's. 

Mom got us a tree from the scouts in Nanton and we decorated it after I worked on Sunday Dec 3rd. We watched Polar express as per tradition. It makes for a magical evening.

The kids school concert was on the 20th. I had to push hard to get it off work. It is hard not having Chris here to help with that. It was a simple hour long program, the junior high did some songs for band (only 11 of them in the band), the little kids sang songs and Elvas grade 5/6 class did a fun play about North Poles got talent. It was the best performance Champion has had yet.

Our ward party was the Friday before Christmas was beautiful complete with the usual delicious roast beef dinner. I was tired as I had short shifted the night before (evening Thursday to day on Friday). Camellia and Dougs family came. It was a good time. 

I worked the Saturday and Christmas eve Sunday was spent going to church for an hour and then preparing and eating a delicious Turkey dinner with my parents, Nathan and my friends Lindsey and Meike. We watched some of its a wonderful life and all of Mr. Krueger Christmas. And Chris read the Nativity story.

The kids were in bed by 8:30 ish. I read them The Night before Christmas as they went to bed. The oldest 3 slept in Elvas room. 

They were up by 6:00 and then down to the living room at 7:00 for stockings. We had cracked wheat (boiled wheat) for breakfast and then we helped Dad over and Mom and Nathan came and we opened gifts. Mary got a hamster that she named Peanut. Nathan kept her in his room for the week before Christmas. Elva got some horse stuff (helmet and boots from Gainors) and a Tamagotchi pet. Caeleb got some boared games. Selman got lego and a Nintendo switch game and Lizzy got an Elsa dress and Barbies. And the kids got a mini fooseball/air hockey/pool table which they love. Chris got a camera. That was a big spend. It is good that he is working.

We had a lazy Christmas day, I worked Boxing day. We spent some days watching Lord of the Rings, playing board games, eating food. We spent a night at a Lethbridge Hotel with Mom and Dad and the Nelsons, enjoying swimming, bowling and eating at Tony Romas. We missed Nathan for that. And we had sister Burbank over on New Years eve after I worked. We played a game with her and the kids did musical chairs which was a blast. We had appetizers and we watched the movie New Years Eve. The 2 Littles were asleep by 9:00 and Mary fell asleep on the couch by 10:00. But the rest of us made it till midnight.

I worked New Years Day evening and was able to do Karaoke with many of the patients which was blast for them and I and was just what was needed to boast the moral on our unit (including mine). 

One of my New Years goals was to not watch certain youtube videos (Evangelicals bashing other belief systems). It has caused alot of distress for me and there is no need for it. They can believe I am going to Hell for my beliefs, but in doing so, they will also need to believe most of mankind, including the Muslims being killed in Gaza these days and the Jews of the Holocaust, are going to Hell too. It doesn't look good on them for believing that. In fact, it appears selfish and wrong. If I am going to Hell, for having incorrect theology (which Evangelicals believe is the one unforgivable sin that Jesus' atonement will not cover), I aim to help those in Hell find faith and hope in a God who I believe is as equally merciful as he is just in a way that makes sense to all people and who will save most people in anyway he can, because of his perfect understanding of them. But they can believe whatever they want, even if it scary, selfish and dangerous. I do like to listen to David Alexander, who seems to understand things like me, BUT, in reality, I am trying to cut as much youtube out of my life as possible. 

I want to be like my cousin Melanie. When we were little, she was the one who hung out with me when she would come to the farm and her sister Maryanne would spend time with Camellia. Melanie is going through a hard time right now with stage 4 cancer. I just listened to a recent interview from her and it felt like I was listening to Grandma Smith (how I imagine Grandma sounding in her younger years). I bet Melanie would be alot like Grandma Smith the older she got. I miss Grandma. I admire Melanie's  courage and her faith and it makes me proud to be a part of the Smith family. I haven't always felt like I fit in with the Smith family. I remember some of my  cousins being mean to Nathan, Camellia and I. We were the misfits. But I always felt loved by Grandma Smith. I pray for Melanie and her family and I always put her name on the Temple role when I go. 

Chris is back to school and I miss him. Grandma Smith only had her husband for 14 years. I can be without Chris for the week days. But I miss him. And I miss him more these last few days as the weather gets to the - 30s and - 40s. 

I am chuckling to myself as I lay next to a napping Lizzy while listening to Mary sing her little heart out to The Greatest Showman. Mary is so serious, with such a sarcastic sense of humor, it is fun to catch these moments. She really likes that movie and we all watched it last night while sleeping in the living room, listening to the cold wind outside.