Work was hard

Work was hard yesterday. No one died or got incredibly sick. But I had to send a patient off to acute psych. He had been at our center for 2 years. He was paranoid thinking we were all out to get him. He called the RCMP. We thought he was going to get aggressive as he threatened to do so, so we had one security and 2 peace officers there following him around, then 2 RCMP came and he was trying to tell them how we are at fault. So all these people were following him around the unit. Kind of funny when you think about it. 

Then a new nurse started telling how he did not think this was right and that we needed to help the patient and not send him away. That is what we have been trying to do! For 2 years. Nothing was making him less paranoid. This patient obviously needed a change. I tried to help the new nurse understand this but could have done better at that. 

I was charge nurse and was responsible for directing the whole thing so I earned my money yesterday I guess. Oh, and to top it off, a little mouse was running around the unit while we were sending the patient out and another nurse was able to pick it up and give it to me to take outside. 

My brain was foggy when I got home. I was irritable and stressed. I got upset with Chris and the kids. My brain is still foggy today and I can't stop crying. Working in mental health can strain ones mental health and I am a sensitive person. I often feel like I cant handle everything on my plate. For example I work this coming Thursday evening and then come home to be with the kids at midnight. Then I get up at 5:30 to go to a day shift. I am grateful for my Mom who helps me so much. I try to help her as well by helping to take care of Dad. Chris is gone for the week. He doesn't do anything when he sees me struggle with anxiety. He ignores me. It makes me feel distant from him. It probably would not be good for him to work in mental health. 

I think I am going to get to retirement one day, you know 60 or 65, and then wake up and be like, huh, Nursing isn't really for me. But until then I will keep plugging away. I have had many ups and downs in the profession and I need to focus on the ups as it is a blessing to have a good job! I will probably be working alot when my kids are all in school. Life is not cheap. And perhaps I enjoy vacations here and there. That is on me. 

When I retire, I think I will move to a small apartment with enough room or a park nearby so that my grandkids can come a play. I hope to visit them at their house. I want to live a simple life so that my transition to the next life won't be harder on my kids. I want to go for daily walks, walk to the library and get books to read during the day, and a movie to watch at night. I don't want to be a burden and I dont want my kids to have to tell me when it is too hard for them. They would be torn because they love me and want to help me but they have their own lives to live too. And I depend on them so much now while they are young - the older kids needing to watch the younger kids while I work. I know it is good for them to learn responsibility but I don't want them to feel taken advantage of. I never had to take care of younger siblings but my older kids do. 

I am getting on a tangent. 

It helps to write.

Just Elizabeth and Me

 It is a beautiful Thursday morning (Dec 14th). The 4 oldest are at school so it is just Elizabeth and me at home. She is playing in the bath at this time. She wanted to have a bath which is unusual for her. She usually fights it. It is so fun to listen to her play. She is so adorable. She is always talking and asking questions. She loves to play Barbies and  LOVES princesses. She is our little Princess and is still our busy Lizzy and I just love her so much. It is hard having kids grow up so fast so I try to hold onto what ever baby is in her. I also try to cherish all moments with my kids. 

Caeleb is turning into a fine young man. At 13 ( grade 8), he is entering the fun teenage age and I really think it is fun. He loves board games and basketball. He is such a good sport even when he doesn't get to play much or get the ball often. He is an optimist like his Dad and I am do grateful that he is. 

Elva (11 and in grade 5) is my little helper. She is the second mom in the home. Caeleb may cook the meals when I am at work (Mac and cheese and soup and cheese sandwiches) but she helps with the kids including putting the Littles to bed and comforting them. She takes piano and singing and does well at singing. She sang in the ward choir and the choral festival with me on Tuesday. I love her around. She is my friend.

Mary (8 grade 2) is the middle. And although she may get lost in it and have her moments of pessimism and anxiety, she is maturing so much! She struggles a bit with school but she is working hard and will get there. She is a friend to everyone and is ever so creative. I love to see her at her desk in her bedroom working on a craft. She is Nanas little helper and us always over there creating and helping. Oh, and she has her own sense of style. Overalls and a pony tale for every day of the week. Good thing Nana found her some new overalls as the old ones were worn right through. 

Selman (5 kindergarten) has a smile to light up a room. He loves technology such as video and computer games and is quick to figure things out. I think he will be like his Dad. He loves to have fun! And he loves school which is a bonus for me as Elva and Mary were not fans of going to school in Kindergarten. 

I love these kids so much and am grateful for them in my life. I watched one of my favorite movies last night. It is called "In the pursuit of Happiness". It helps put life into perspective. 

The sunrise was beautiful today and I feel so blessed to be alive. 

Changes and Challenges this beautiful Fall season

Well, where to begin. Chris started a new job on September 18th at a Catholic school in Drumheller. Since he did not get the job in Claresholm that he was hoping for, we decided he would broaden his horizons and look further away from home. He saw the dream job at St. Anthony's (High school math and science), got an interview on Monday September 11 (I drove up with him and Selman and Lizzy tagged along) and he got hired on the spot. Then he called the Branch President for Drumheller and it was almost as if he knew Chris would call, because he gave him a room to stay in for just $500 a month. What an answer to our prayers!

And now we live with the blessings and hardships of said job. The kids and I miss Chris! I am a single Mom from Monday morning at 5:30 when Chris leaves to Friday evening about 5:30 pm. I have started my new rotation at the Center for Mental Health and Addictions which means I work every other weekend days, 1 Friday day and 3 weekday evenings on a 4 week rotation. So I do not get to see Chris a lot. And when I work those weekday evenings, I rely on the older kids to put the younger kids to bed. And then my mom comes and stays with them after she gets Dad to bed, from 1000 to when I get home a little after midnight. I am so blessed to have a wonderful mom and wonderful kids. 

In a way it is a blessing that Chris lives away during the week. He has a heavy load teaching and he has always struggled with getting things done. I feel guilty when we are around distracting him so if we are not around, hopefully he will get his work done. I know he is working hard and I am proud of him. He is an amazing teaching. I am always in awe of how smart he is! 

Caeleb turned 13 on September 14th. And Chris turned.... Caeleb had almost all the Champion Junior High to our place to play board games (about 12 kids came). I can't believe my oldest is a teenager now! He is such a good kid, kind, calm, chill and just fun to be around. 

Mary turned 8 on September 19th and had her baptism on Saturday the 23rd. It was a beautiful simple baptism. She looked so cute in her little white home sewn dress. I am proud of her choice to follow Jesus. She is nanas little helper - so compassionate and empathetic and yet full of fire too.  Grandma and Grandpa drove out for that and stayed for a week and a half. Then Grandma flew out the day before thanksgiving and stayed for another 2 weeks to help me settle in to the single mom life and finish up some last shifts at the hospital. It was wonderful to have her around. She watched the kids while Chris and I spent a night, for our 14th anniversary, at the downtown Sheraton Hotel in Calgary. We had spent our wedding night there. He got us a nice room and we were able to enjoy going to the lounge for appetizers and breakfast on the top floor. We went swimming and out to supper. We walked around Princess Island Park which is Chris' favourite park in Calgary. And we went to the Temple the next day which was wonderful. It has been a great 14 years full of ups and downs. I am grateful I can spend life with Chris. 

I quit my job at the Claresholm Hospital. Nov 3 was the last day. It was sad but it needed to be done. I had only been there about a year and 4 months but was only picking up 2-3 shifts a month on average and that was not enough to become competent in Emerg even though working on the floor was going well. Now I can't pick up at all there since Chris is not around to help with the kids. The second last shift I had in Emerg, I assisted with putting a chest tube in. I have done many chest tube dressing changes but it was my first time assisting with an insertion and I was a bit flustered trying to understand what the doctor wanted me to do. He was very patient with me. But I did not feel confident. I got a nice compliment my last day of work there. And I was told the door is open for me to go back if I so choose in a few years when my kids are all in school. I would do a Triage course and an Emerg course first. It is a lot of work, skill and knowledge working there and I so admire the nursing staff. But I kind of think I will just stick with mental health for a while and maybe end my career in 20 years just as I started it (19 years ago), working with sick and tiny newborns. There is a NICU at the South Health Campus in SE Calgary. We shall see what life brings. It is crazy to think I am about halfway done my career. I have been blessed with many different experiences in nursing. Some good and some not so good. The year of 2023, I worked 3 shifts a week on average (the beginning half of the year was almost 4 shifts a week). In 2024 it will be 2 shifts a week. Alot more manageable without Chris around and I can focus on being a mom. 

The weather has been gorgeous. No snow on the ground at this time (Nov 13) and the grass is green which is great for the horses. We have had some rain this Fall. 2 days ago was the worst wind storm we have seen. The play house fell over and was damaged and hundreds if not thousands of tumble weeds blocked our driveway so we spent a while Saturday evening clearing a path to get vehicles through.

The kids enjoyed Halloween although we wish Chris had been here. We had a Peter pan theme. Selman was Peter, Lizzy was Tinkerbell, Elva was Captain Hook and I was Mother Darling. Mary decided to not go as Wendy and instead used by Green MandM costume that my mom made when I was about 11. Her favorite color is green and I knew that costume would stick with her as she has a tendency of changing her mind. Caeleb ordered a funny shirt online that said "costume not found: error 404." He went out with friends trick or treating around Champion while I did the Champion costume parade with all the kids (except Lizzy who stayed to help Nana hand out candy) and then took the kids (minus Caeleb) to the 12 neighbors around our place. Trick or treating always takes us about 3 hours and I go for the visits. I need to be a better neighbor and visit at other times of the year as well. We usually pick something out to sing: This year it was "we can fly" from Peter pan of course. We carved pumpkins a couple nights before at my parents house and we got plenty of Halloween movies in this October. You know, the usuals - Hocus Pocus, the Haunted Mansion, Casper, etc. I like my kiddy scary movies. 

A couple of days ago was Remembrance day and Elva and I recited "In Flanders Fields" by memory at the little Champion service. It is such an important day for me. So many sacrificed  everything for our freedom. Lest we forget. We watched the movie Narnia last Sunday as a family and that is a good movie about world war two and about the ultimate sacrifice from our Savior and the fight against evil. There appears to be so much evil in our world. I hope I can teach my kids to seek to do right. It really is the easier path. 

Well, I best be going to bed. Until next time. Love you all. 

Tired but still trying

I am tired today. We all are. We went to the Zoo yesterday. It was hot out - about 36 degrees. But we were prepared. We had water bottles, melted freezes, a spray bottle to spray us to cool down.  And when we got home, us girls including Mary and Elva went to water aerobics in Champion and that cooled us down as well and was a blast! My friends Lindsey and Chelsea came to the zoo and to the pool. Lindsey has been my friend since a year after Chris and I got married. We call her Aunt Lindsey as she is like an Aunt to our kids. We have done a lot for her. She lived with us for a while and we even watched her cats for a while while she was living in China. And I think Chris might be allergic to cats. Chelsea is in our ward and is 18 years old. She is headed off to University in Kelowna in just a week. She has babysat numerous times for us and we all adore her. She is a kindred spirit. I think talking to her in the car brought both Lindsey and I back to our BYUI days. I sure miss it there. It was a highlight of my life and I am so happy that I got to experience it. I hope my children get the same opportunity of having prayers before class starts, Tuesday devotionals, FHE, etc. My testimony was strengthened by going there. I am excited for Chelsea and I am excited for my kids. Life has so much opportunity for learning and growth and it can be wonderful. I hope my kids can always look at life as an adventure. 

Right now Chris and I are trying to figure out what learning and growth needs to happen in our lives. I have been working 3-4 shifts a week while Chris has not worked this summer and was only doing 2 subbing shifts a week March to June. It is hard with him not working much but I love him and we will keep plugging away. My biggest issue is that I want to be home to watch the kids. Selman goes to kindergarten 2 times a week this Fall but Lizzy has 2 more years at home. I feel lots of guilt and fear of missing out when I am not around my kids; when I am not at the cross roads in their lives. It is hard to know how much to work but I really feel like 3 days a week is enough for me right now. 

Back to the zoo. 3 year old Lizzy's favorite was the Giraffe. She was so excited to see them. Even today she says it was her favorite animal. The kids did so good at walking and taking turns riding in the wagon. We made sure to see the Penguins twice as it is cool in their enclosure. If we still lived in the city, I would have a zoo pass. I loved having my zoo pass when we lived there and I took my children many times when Elva was 3 and Mary was a baby. The 3 things I miss about the city are: being close to grocery stores, the beautiful paths and my zoo pass. 

But we are settled here at the farm. We have had a great summer. I worked on my Birthday but the Saturday before, we took the kids on the train to downtown Calgary for the free Rope Square stampede morning activities. Elva and I square danced which is my favorite. we had a free pancake and bacon, went for a walk, listened to music, etc. And in the afternoon we went to Spruce Meadows to watch horse jumping. I love watching horse jumping but I do not like that it is a sport for rich people. We camped a couple nights in Champion as per usual the second week in July while the kids did swimming lessons. I worked alot that week and even shortshifted, spending a night sleeping in the van before starting an early shift at the Center after a evening shift at the hospital. 

Chris played a HUGE role in applying for government interest free loans and grants to get new windows for our house as our old windows were falling apart and not energy efficient at all. I mean this house is about 110 years old.  The new windows were installed in July, cost us 67000ish dollars (over a 10 year interest free loan) and look beautiful. I wish we could have kept the green windows at the top but we did keep the old window in the kitchen for nostalgia. It was hard living in a mess for a few weeks but the results of the new windows have been fantastic and it is so nice to be able to have windows we can open and get a breeze. I am so grateful for all that Chris did for arranging for these windows to be installed. 

I worked 14 shifts in July but have been able to stay home more in August. It has not been a good one for the farmers though. We had a drought this year and the crops are awful around these parts. 

We had Chris' parents stay at our place for 5 nights the end of July. It was a very peaceful time. We went swimming a couple of times, talked, watched a movie, watched a thunder shower on the porch of our house and went to church together. I hope they felt the peace and tranquility that I felt when they were around. 

Then they went to a Brown family reunion while we went to Drumheller for a couple of nights. The $200 we spent on camping, the museum, food such as hotdogs and tin foil dinners, climbing the big dinosaur, etc was cheaper than the $900 for the reunion. So that is why we chose to do that. But we did stop in for an afternoon visit at the reunion in water valley on the way home and it was good to catch up with the Brown family. We had our niece Olivia camp with us and she fit in perfectly with our family as a 6th kid for a few days. Chris arranged this trip which was very thoughtful of him. 

On the way home from the reunion, Wendy and her boys caravanned with us and came to the farm for a couple of nights. I am grateful we live on this farm that anyone is welcome to come and visit. We have space for people to sleep in the house or pitch a tent in the yard, to explore and to just be in a calm, serene place away from the hustle and bustle of city life. It was so good to have them out for a visit and I admire all that Wendy does for her family. 

We had chicken killing days last week. Did 8 one Monday and 14 the next Monday. And we still have 8 in the freezer from last year. So we will eat a chicken a month for the first Sunday supper of the month with Mom and Dad. 

I took the 3 big kids to the Carston catraige house theater play "The wizard of Oz" last week and it was very well done as like all plays are there. 

Caeleb has been working a little this summer at the Champion Library summer reading program in Champion on Monday and Wednesday. He has taken it very seriously and has done well to clean up after. I am proud of him. Him and Elva did a second set of swimming lessons this week and Elva has caught up with Caeleb. She is a strong swimmer. I remember failing my swimming lessons when I was Caelebs age and never continuing on after that. 

My garden was a disaster this summer. Maybe it was the cats pooping in it, or the chickens pecking at it or the grasshoppers. Nothing grew except 5 peas and lettuce the size of Lizzys hand. And that is all I have to say about that. 

Chris applied for a job at a nearby high school last week and he had an interview a couple of days ago but he did not get the job. We found out yesterday that he did not get the job and it put a bit of a damper on the Zoo day. I really feel for Chris. He was so excited about this job. The guy who told him he did not get the job told him he needs more experience but how can he get more experience if he can not get jobs that give him experience. Sometimes it just does not seem fair. Maybe he will need to find a job in Tim buck two and come home for weekends.

So I will continue to work 3 days a week. Hopefully not more but it will probably be more in the summer. If I can get 1 - 2 days of vacation pay a month plus work 13 shifts a month, we will be ok. But Chris will need to sub 2-3 days a week as well and we will need to be frugal. I know God has blessed us in our lives. He has blessed me to get the nursing jobs that I have got. He has blessed me with the gift of frugality. He has blessed Chris with the brains to figure out how to get the most out of our money when it comes to mortgage, loans, grants, etc. I know Chris wants nothing more than to teach Math. He loves to teach kids and he has a talent with teaching math and science in different ways that kids can understand. I hope and pray he will get the opportunities in his life that he desires. 

Our small blue SUV drove its last drive yesterday and quit by Nanton on the way home from Costco after the zoo. Chris and Selman were in it. It will never run again and AMA towed it to the farm today. So we are without a second vehicle. When it rains it storms I guess. 

And although we are all tired today and a melancholy feeling hangs over our house, we will keep trying to live life to its fullest. 2 more weeks with the kids at home before school starts. I work this weekend but then get almost 2 weeks off. Let's make the most of then. (And I am smiling now because I hear the kids getting along and playing in the attic - I hope it lasts!). Now to help Chris in the kitchen get supper ready. 

Can't sleep

I can't sleep tonight. It is 3:49 in the morning. I worked Float RN in Emergency yesterday. I didn't eat, go to the bathroom, have a break, barely sat down (only to do an IV), for 8 hours. I did an IV, failed at 2 other attempts, did 2 ECGs, triaged many many people, did a dressing change, admitted a patient to the unit, did a urine test, gave a tetanus shot, gave other meds, started blood, etc etc. I felt like an idiot several times and did not feel like the asset to the team that I so desperately want to feel. Emergency is hard. There are a lot of sick sick people who pass through there. We had a chain saw injury and a table saw injury, GI bleeds, heat stroke, diabetic crisis, etc. I find it fascinating but do not feel like I am enough. I came home to a family I love and the kids were all over me as soon as I set foot in the door. I will miss that some day. And my brother needed a shoulder to cry on tonight. He is having a hard time and I feel deeply for him. I cried too. I wish I could take all the pain away from him. I love him. I have 10 more shifts at my acute care site. Then I will stick to my mental health nursing for now. I would like to take more training someday. A course in nursing. I was thinking it might be fun to end my nursing career the same way I started it. At a step down NICU. I worked in the little NICU in Rexburg Idaho 18 years ago and maybe I could someday work 12 hour shifts at the South Health Campus at the south end of Calgary. I was talking to NICU nurses there when I took my Connect Care training in February/March. We just launched this new computer system at the mental health facility I work at and I love it. We have had it for a year at the other hospital I work at. Anyways, back to NICU nursing. It is specialized so I would definitely take a refresher course in it. I love to learn and I love those little babies. It is a focused area and not the overwhelming knowledge base needed to treat hundreds of different Emergency cases. 

I have been humbled time and time again in my career, often not thinking I am good enough. If I can teach my kids anything from this, it would be to use your experiences to learn to have empathy for ALL people. We can use our hard experiences to learn this. That is what life is all about, I think. To learn to love in a state of being (with bodies) where we can learn pure and true love and empathy. Because none of us are perfect. The harder life is, the more we can relate to other people and learn empathy for them. I believe the Savior had perfect empathy. 

Lately I have been distracting myself by continuing to listen to other peoples beliefs. It has strengthened my own belief system. I truly believe that we are here on this earth to learn to love ALL people with an eternal love. To help God bring to pass his eternal goal which is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. This life is so short! If there is an after life, we are here to learn to love all people not just for this life but for that afterlife even if it is not all sunshine and rainbows in that afterlife. Even if it takes more learning and growth. It might be hard but it is worth it because we will be helping God fulfill his purposes. God loves all people. And his love is eternal! This eternal perspective helps me get through day to day. It is living for something beyond. I wish others could see what I see and understand what I understand. There is so much more out there then walking on streets of gold and building your own mansion for eternity. We work hard learning and loving in this life, why would it be different in the next? 

Well, I should try to go back to sleep.  I keep meaning to do an update about Christmas and after. Life has been busy. We are plugging along and hoping that Chris has a job for the Fall as he is just subbing for now. His contract at Milo ended the end of February and he is picking up on average 2-3 subbing shifts a week now. It means less stress for him and more stress for me. I am working 3-4 shifts a week. We went out to Victoria for Spring break and it was so lovely seeing the Watters family. I love them so much. And I love my Smith family here at home. Mom works so hard taking care of Dad and making the yard look so beautiful. I help with Dad too where I can. We love them very much. There has been a lot of smoke from wild fires up in northern Alberta and we are praying for those affected by them. I feel for them. Our air quality in Alberta last week was awful. The skys were gray from smoke as the wind drove it in our direction. But it is beautiful outside now. The grass is green, the lilacs on the bush outside are starting to come out. I love the smell! The birds are chirping outside as I type this. It is almost morning. And we had our first thundershower a week or so ago which I love. They make me giddy and a little scared. It was not a lot of rain but it was something and the crops are starting to come up a bit. Life is good. The simple things in life are beautiful! And loving others makes life all the better.