Thinking some more

Some thoughts that I wrote in a previous post have been bugging me so I thought I would try to set things right in this post. I regret some of the things I wrote. I feel like I have blamed Chris for some of my emotional hang ups with money and work but I should not and I am sorry. I can not change the past and I should not try to predict the future. I need to live and be happy in this moment! It is true that unless I become sick or disabled, I will probably always work outside of the home until I retire. And it is true that the mom/work balance is hard. But I am way too caught up in that!  I am on maternity leave and should enjoy being home with my kids. And, I know without a doubt that God (through a neighbor) has helped me get the job in Claresholm and that there is a reason that I have had all the nursing jobs that I have had. I have learned so much and I have grown to become a good nurse. I can do so much good in this world by being a nurse and even though my priority is being a wife, mother, family, church and community member, I can be a nurse as well. I can't do everything but I can do these things with God's help. Chris and I sometimes talk about how we are good together and how we make a great team. We compliment each other and make up for each others weaknesses as we each have different strengths and weaknesses. When we have our mind set to do something, we work well together to accomplish it. Although we are not perfect in this, we try to budget, prioritize and record our spending and we feel so united when are able to accomplish our financial goals as well as other goals. We have truly been blessed to have so much. I might struggle to have perspective at times but I am so grateful to have Chris as my equal partner in this life and the next. 

Accidents Happen

Once upon a time there was a 16 year old girl who was excited to get her drivers license. Her sister and her went to Lethbridge with their mother on a beautiful summer day and took the drivers test. Her sister did just fine and passed with no issues. This girl, however, almost took her driver instructor out with a left hand turn at a yellow light when she didn't see the oncoming traffic behind a stopped vehicle. Thank goodness her instructor had her own brake or else. Nevertheless, instant fail and this girl had to come back later that week to try again (and she did pass that time). I AM THAT GIRL!

Fast forward 20 years. This same girl, me, went to Okotoks to get her phone fixed (it had so many cracks from being dropped so often that chips of it were coming off of it) and to shop for a Month of groceries. It was a busy day. I had to take Laddy to the vet in Claresholm in the morning as he is loosing weight and hair. Nothing came up in the blood work and we will try deworming and new dog food for now. Mom and Dad came and picked up Selman in Nanton so that it would just be Lizzy and me on our big shopping trip. Walmart went great as I used my baby carrier to carry Lizzy and she was so good the entire time. We got almost $500 worth of groceries there. I then picked up my phone and went to a restaurant to get some Shawarma as I love the stuff and wanted Chris to try it. I wanted to have a little picnic date with him when I picked him up in Claresholm on the way home from shopping. On the way to Costco to get the dog food, I made a left turn. The sun was not directly in my view but still made it hard to see a little of the road and perhaps altered my perspective a little. The light turned yellow and I thought the oncoming traffic was slowing down. I attempted to make the turn. I remember a big truck going past behind me and then a grey car came out from behind him and hit me right on the passenger side by the front wheel. It was quite the hit and was a scary experience! I looked back right away to see if Lizzy was okay and she was thank goodness. A nice gentleman came to my van right away and asked if I was okay which I was except for a tiny scrape on my leg - not sure how I got that. I got out and went around to Lizzy's door and got her out and her door was fine to open. There was a lot of liquid leaking underneath the van and the car that hit me. The man called 911 and the Police and firetruck were there in a just a few minutes with their sirens on. The man in the other car was just sitting in his car (maybe swearing at me - who knows - I never spoke to him but wish I had apologized after the fact). He seemed to be fine and did not need an ambulance (but the insurance company later told me he had been hurt a bit :(. There were 2 ladies that stood with me and Lizzy. One of them was a Nurse and she looked Lizzy over. The man who was such a help put his jacket over Lizzy to keep her warm. Everyone was so kind and helpful except the police man who was a bit harsh at me and when I asked if it was my fault, he said I may get a ticket. The tow truck came to take the vehicles away and the tow truck driver had me empty the van of all my groceries and then I waited on the side of the road for Chris to come and get me. Mom had to go and get him from Claresholm and then Nathan had to take her and Selman home at Nanton and then he was to come and get me. A bit of a drive for them and wait for me. The police officer had asked if I wanted to go anywhere but where would I have gone with all those groceries? At least the weather was ok but it was starting to get dark. Then the Nurse came back (she had gone home to change out of her scrubs into other clothes) and asked if she could help me. What a guardian angel she was to me as it was getting cold as it got dark and I was trying to feed Lizzy and get my emotions under control as the whole thing was finally hitting me (perhaps I was in a bit of a shock before). She offered to take me to High River and we loaded my things up into her SUV and she drove me there while I talked to the Insurance people. She works at the hospital in High River on a medical unit. I am ever so grateful for good Samaritans like her and I pray that I may pay it forward. We met Chris is High River and then I poured out my heart and soul to him on the drive home.

I did not sleep well at all Tuesday night but I have been doing pretty good ever since at not thinking about this incident all the time. However, when I do think of it, I do feel such guilt: mom guilt, guilt for ruining our van and the man's car. I have been thinking of the What ifs. What if it Lizzy had been hurt, what if the vehicle that hit us had been bigger. I feel like a horrible driver and I never want to make a left turn again (which I already have had to do). I pray that this never happens again but I do know that accidents happen and can happen to anyone. I am grateful that we were kept safe last Tuesday and I pray that can be a good driver going forward. I am also grateful for the Lord's tender mercies in my life.

Happy Anniversary My Love

Dear Chris, Today is October 24. It is our 11th anniversary today. We have known each other a little over 12 years (We first met at a hot tub party at your place in August of 2008 I believe) and that is approximately 1/3 of my life and 1/4 of yours. My love for you deepens its roots more and more each year. It is true that I am not always the best wife and mother. I get confused and loose perspective sometimes. I find it hard to let some things go and I can have a temper at times. But I hope you can always forgive me when I mess up because there is one thing I know for sure, I want to be with you forever. You are the love of my life and my eternity. Thank you for loving me through thick and thin. Thank you for working hard and for trying to be happy even life gets you down. One of my favourite things is to hear you whistle while you are working, or showering or puttering around the house. It makes me happy because then I know you are happy. Never Stop Whistling! Never loose that sparkle in your eyes when you smile. And always know that you are the most perfect type of handsome in my eyes.

Thank you for being a wonderful father. The kids adore you and look up to you. They learn so much from you. Even Caeleb's teacher has commented on how Caeleb will talk about his Dad and how much his dad knows. They love and need you. Thank you for trying so hard with the jobs you have. You always give it your all with work and school even when it is not easy. When you try, you try your best and that is always enough! You are an amazing teacher. It is so apparent that you love to help others learn and achieve their full potential. You are so christlike in how you treat others, always being respectful, never gossiping, never thinking ill of anyone and never holding a grudge. I learn so much from you each day. Thank you for choosing me and for loving me. I know that we can work together through anything that life throws at us, the good and the bad. It can all be an amazing adventure. And I am excited to keep building up our relationship and our family throughout the eternities. I am so blessed to have you and our children in my life.

Love Katherine

Summer 2020

Well, it is about time I update summer of 2020. As I do so, I am sitting here in our dinning room in our beloved falling apart blue rocking chair while the kids busily build a fort with the dinning table chairs. They are getting along for now - yeah! The snow is coming down outside and the colder weather means way fewer flies. And we haven't seen a mouse in over a week so we are doing pretty well.

It rained alot in the spring and the first part of the summer. I love the rain! The crops were lush and full and beautiful which is great for the farmers and for everyone who appreciates them. Mom and Dad had mustard planted on their land and it did okay I believe. But the good crops brought many mice and we have caught about 30 mice in our basement this summer and fall and Chris and I have had a few late evenings chasing mice around the kitchen and living room. Plus one day while I was cooking on our stove, a mouse was poking its head up at the back of the stove. Gross! And one day I was watching the movie "Mouse Trap" and a mouse scurried across the living room. Kind of a surreal experience. And such is country life. But don't get me wrong, country life is the best!

Most of the Summer was spent at the farm. For Mom's birthday, the Nelsons came down and we got Chinese food and did a Scavenger hunt in town to celebrate Canada Day. Nothing else was going on due to Covid. The pool was only open for Swimming lessons and rentals and the rentals were $50 per hour so it was expensive and we were only able to book it twice in August.

We went down to the Nelsons ranch for Camellia and my birthday and Doug saddled up the horses and Camellia, Kamille and I went for a ride in the brush Thursday evening. So. Much. Fun! Thanks Doug! And thanks to Chris for watching Lizzy who was only 3 weeks old at the time. We joined Mom and Dad in Waterton the next day while Doug and Chris took the kids home to the farm (except Lizzy of course stayed with us). Then we went shopping in Pincher Creek and spent Saturday at the Nelsons just chilling, talking, watching Hamilton on Disney plus and doing some odd projects. We met the boys in Granum on Sunday at 1:00 and the kids wadded in the little lake there and we had a picnic.

Chris was busy with computer projects for the Watters propane company throughout July and we travelled to the island on Tuesday July 28th so he could do computer work out there and so that we could visit family. The kids did so well on the way out. I think Elizabeth did the best and Mary struggled the most. We spent 16 wonderful days there. Since we could not do a Watters family reunion at a location on the island, Eric and Racheal planned a stay at home family reunion and we did things with the Watters family most days. We played in Aunt Wendy's blow-up water park, we went to a couple of lakes to swim, we had an at home movie day for the kids and a outside projector movie for the older kids. We had a couple of games nights and family suppers. We had Aunt Mary and her family from Nanaimo come and visit. Racheal and Eric watched our kids and Chris and I were able to go on a date night all alone to the inner harbour - supper at Spinnakers, a walk by the ocean, ice cream and then to Mount Doug at Sunset. We had a girls night where we went canoeing at Elk lake and out to supper at Milestones at the inner harbour. Then Chris and I took the kids canoeing a few days later on Elk lake. The guys had a guys night a Jared's for a BBQ and the kids had several sleep overs - the girls with Eric and Rachels girls and Caeleb with Wendy's boys. We also went and had a picnic with Kurt and Alby at Mount Doug which was special since they do not interact with most of the family. It was a simple yet full and amazing trip. I love my Watters family so much and I am so grateful to be with them for Eternity! We came back on Friday August 14 and it is always such a long trip on the way home but we made it home by 11:30 pm after a stop for supper in Golden BC. We had booked the Champion pool for the day after and I invited a new family in our ward to join us. They have a boy that is Elva's age and is in her grade at Champion school. We will be excited to have any family move into the ward as our Primary is so very small - 5 kids now with Karson.

The next week in August was swimming lessons and Camellia and her kids joined us for that. It was a hot week (made it to the 30s that week) and we also went swimming at Little Bow a couple of times as well as booked the pool on Saturday August 22 for Liams 7th birthday. The last full week in August, Chris was busy preparing for his teaching job in Claresholm. The kids started school on Wednesday September 2 in Champion and it has been so good to be back to school. We have missed it and the kids are enjoying it! There is something to be said about having a routine with a school schedule. For the September long weekend the kids and I went to Camellia and Doug's so that Chris could get more school prep done and he has been working a lot of school prep ever since. He sure puts a lot of time into everything that he does but I suppose it is because he wants to succeed in what he does.

Elizabeth is growing fast. She has not yet rolled over but is lifting her head well at tummy time. She rolls on to her side. I like to "baby wear" meaning I use the Mobey wrap or the other baby carrier to carrier her while I putter around the house or when we go for a walk (Selman goes in the Chariot stroller). She likes to be held but really is a content baby. Except I have to remember not to eat chocolate as it makes her gassy. But I can not complain, she is so good and she takes a soother well while all our other kids did not. I love this stage. I wish I could continue to have a million bajillion newborn and little babies and children and I hope that after this life we can be blessed to have even more children because babies and little children are so wonderful. But I would not have them stay this way forever as I have a testimony of Heavenly Father's plan for us all to grow and become as he is. I will soak it all in and enjoy this stage with little Elizabeth being a baby, he toothless grins, her little giggles, her pure innocence, her perfect trust. I will hold her and snuggle her and love her and all my children. Well it is 7:53 pm so I need to get the kids to bed. I will write about the Fall another day.

Raw Selfish Thoughts

It is funny how a few days ago I wrote a post about how I want so much to be and to feel cherished and appreciated by Chris as a stay at home mother. And now, I feel like I should be the one to work about 10 or more shifts a month and have Chris stay at home with the kids and substitute. Not that I don't want to be at home, it is just that I have seen Chris struggle with work this last week. And I have struggled with his struggle. I know without a doubt that Chris is a great teacher. He is able to teach me and the kids so many things about math, science, astronomy, etc. He is patient with us and can think of multiple strategies to teach us things that are hard to comprehend. I imagine he is the same way teaching the grade 7 and 8s in Claresholm. But they are a tricky group of kids and he has some very hard students that are hard to control in a classroom setting. I know he is doing his best but I imagine it takes time to learn classroom management strategies in such cases and he is down on himself and in general and his thought are only about school these days. Even when I planned an early 11th anniversary breakfast and biking trip in Waterton last Saturday morning, I could tell his mind was elsewhere almost the entire time. He was and still is stressed. Today, Thanksgiving day (well yesterday now as it is 1230 am Tuesday now), he spent most of the day in his office working on school stuff. He took about an hour break to help Mom and Dad with some things at their place but he did not go for a bike ride, or join us for a baseball game outside and he worked well into the evening. I am selfish. I want his time, his thoughts, his words. It is hard to see him like this. So much of our marriage has been him working in his office whether it is doing computer work for his family's company, doing IT support work all hours of the day, doing school work while at University and now, preparing school work for his classroom.

For my job, I have to do some yearly competencies and I have to renew my CARNA registration every year and read my emails but it does not take too much time. Chris and I get paid about the same right now as we have part time positions. Maybe I should go back to work with my 0.42 position with a little extra and he could pick up casual as a teacher (so as his planning time will be limited) and we could live a simple life and hang out with each other and the family a lot more than we are doing right now. Or maybe I should just hold on and know that things will get better with Chris and his job. He will be blessed and get to a point where it gets easier and he will be present more in our life. Until then, I will believe in him and pray for him and try to be strong and patient.

Thoughts

I went for a beautiful walk this morning. It was cooler outside today with a bit of a wind. Very refreshing. I carried Lizzy in her carrier and pushed Selman in his chariot. It was so wonderful! The other kids were at school. As I walked, I had so many thoughts about life and how we are doing financially and in others ways. I have been thinking about that a lot lately. We are doing pretty well and I see the Lord's hand in our lives. I was thinking today about things that I would think about before I was married concerning life and being a wife and mother. I never knew if I would get married ( I never dated in High School and had only a few dates the first few years of University) and being the sensible person I have always been, and since I have always known how to work hard in school (I don't consider myself naturally smart, but I know how to study long and hard), I continued my education after High School. Since my grades were good, I got into University easy peasy. And I floated right along through the rapids of nursing school to become a Nurse. I figured at the time that I would probably live a simple life, maybe single, in a small home, with just a few cheap possessions and perhaps a few inexpensive hobbies (like Miss Honey from Matilda - "My house" from Matilda the Musical is one of my favourite songs). That lifestyle intrigued me and i felt at peace with it. But I was very blessed with finding Chris and we are happily married almost 11 years and we have 5 kids.

Working as a nurse the last 15 years on and off has been very challenging for me but during the last few years, I have been so blessed to gain so much confidence and knowledge. Before this Mat leave I was doing well in my career. But a career is not what I want. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mother. I have wanted so badly to feel valued in that calling. I know it is important. But the truth is, I don't feel valued in that calling at all and I don't really know if I ever will. My husband is indifferent to this subject and he likes to spend money on things so it helps to have two incomes. And I have adapted to his attitude and lifestyle and I have become a bit of a softy with my kids when they want things. We spend money on them and we buy things and go traveling when we can (Chris and I have been on a few nice trips in our marriage and we have taken the kids to Disneyland). My feeling of not being valued as a mother is very hard to describe and is so discouraging to me.

Sometimes I feel like we have derailed from the simple path in life. I have always wanted the simple path. Growing up I believe I was very easy to please. It is true that I wanted a horse and my parents got us some cheap horses and horse supplies when we were 11 but I did not need much else. We went on camping trips with our tent and we did go on a houseboat trip once and on a plane to Ottawa when my parents had a little extra money come in. But those were not the times that made me. It was the small moments - going to the mountains to get a tree, mom reading books to us, working outside with my family, a fire in the fireplace or hotdog roasts outside, simple Family Home Evenings, watching movies and reading books at home while snuggled up on the couch. I never had a car in High School but during University, my parents bought me what probably became the oldest car at BYUI at the time (1982 year - Old Blue was her name). They bought it when I panicked on how I would get to clinical during my second year of University and I was blessed to have that car and to have it start time and time again even after it would break down. Prayers sure worked for that car. I am grateful that my parents were able to help me out when they could. I worked hard to get scholarships and during my third and forth year of University while getting my Bachelors degree, I worked as a Nurse with an Associates degree. I did not spend much money at that time and I saved up Money to pay off student Loans and go on a mission. I am sure my Champion ward helped me with my mission as well and I feel very grateful for that.

When I married Chris, we had some unnecessary debt to pay off. I love my husband so much and we worked hard together to pay it off. I picked up every shift that I could and even got an extra little job for a month taking care of a man with epilepsy. We sold my car and I walked to and from work early in our marriage. Chris worked full time and started online university the January after we got married. I remember being so proud of us paying off the debt so soon but we were still "Starving Students" in my eyes as Chris had just started school and we would have a long road ahead of us with that. It wasn't long after paying off the debt that Chris wanted to get a camera that cost a few thousand dollars. It didn't make sense to me that we would do that being starving students but I love him and I went along with it. I think it was at that moment that it hit me that this would be the expectation for our marriage. Things and money would be important. (Now, I have things that I like too - going places and seeing the world - and that costs lots of money too and there just is not enough money for everything!) In general this realization made me sad. Chris loves his hobbies and he is good at them. He is amazing with cameras, computers, models and strategy model games. I admire that so much and am in awe with how much he knows. But we have struggled with seeing eye to eye in some things because my so called "hobby" was always to live a simple life at home with my kids (with some camping trips and some other trips thrown into the mix once in a while - ok, I do admit I like my vacations). But I always wanted to be at the cross roads of my kids' lives, to have time to ready myself emotionally and spiritually in order to be there for my husband and kids when they need help. I didn't want to feel stressed and stretched going from work life, to home life, to work life to home life. Not to mention the phone calls from work, wanting me to pick up extra shifts and pulling me in the work direction. And my Mom kind of pulls me in the opposite direction saying that she would be happy if I had a big family if I did not work and so I feel guilty having this many kids. This is the story of my life.  I have had such intense anxieties going to work where I have cried on the floor by my bed at night. It worsened postpartum but before going back to work after Selman was born, I got on some Anti-Anxiety/Depression medication and it really helped me. Overall, I feel so incredibly blessed to have my job in Claresholm and have seen the hand of the Lord in my life getting that job.

I love my maternity leaves and wish I could keep having them so I could be home with my kids. However, I don't feel like that will help me feel cherished and appreciated as a mother. I know deep down that I should not rely on external validation or appreciation from my husband or other people. Perhaps those feelings can and should only come from within me as it should not matter what other people think. Perhaps they can come through my diligence with prayer and meditation and through reading the scriptures. I pray that I can get a peace in my life and come to know that I am indeed cherished as a woman and a mother and that I am not just good for the money that I make. I know that one day I will not have these negative feelings and will perhaps feel like I wasted time and energy on feeling this way so I really need to try and change these thoughts and feelings daily. And I will! I have been blessed with so much and I want to be in a positive state of mind so that I can make the most of my blessings in blessing the lives of others.

For now, I pray that I can cherish my last Maternity leave and work hard to be the best mom that I can be which might be easier now since I do not have the stress of work. I want to be the type of mother that my kids want to talk too and confide in. I want to support them and be a guide for them as they learn to navigate life. I am grateful for this very important calling and I hope I can be be what my children need in a mother.

Fall General Conference

Once again, I need to update my blog with the events of the summer and the beginning of Fall. But for now, I am sitting here in our living room, watching the last session of General Conference. I must admit, I have fallen asleep more than once this conference, and the kids have been very distracting (they did better on the Saturday sessions when they were playing their conference bingo) but I have and am feeling the spirit as I listen to what the leaders of the church are saying. And right now the kids are building a fort in the dinning room so they are distracted so I can listen and write. I do not know who I am listening too right now but he is talking about the Savior and I am grateful for his words. Elizabeth is rocking in her swing and happy at this moment. I am so grateful for my family! The kids can be very busy with their questions, talking, fighting, demanding, it is exhausting. But I know how blessed I am and I am trying to appreciate and cherish everyday with my little children. I know they grow up too fast. Caeleb is already 10. Crazy how time flys. I love my family. I want to be with them for eternity.

Now Elder Holland is talking. He is one of the last speakers and I love his talks. He likes to talk about how we will go through trials and long suffering but that our prayers will be answered and we will never be left alone. He just said that life can not be both faith filled and stress free. Right now I feel like everything is going well in my life. I was recently mentioning to my family that my biggest trial in my life right now is the many pesky flies that are still dominating our house due to the continued warm weather. That is not true. I was just joking about that being the hardest thing even though they are many and very pesky. I do feel like I have a bit of postpartum depression (I have on and off taken medication for it but need to be more consistent with taking it) and exhaustion ( and since Selman and Lizzy keep me up at night - especially Selman as he takes a bit to get to bed and gets up very early sometimes like at 4:30 or 5:30- I do get tired) and sometimes I struggle to feel happy, excited about things and motivated to get things done. Sometimes I get upset when the kids fight or they all want my attention at once and I am am being pulled in many directions at once. But honestly, my life is pretty simple and good right now and I love simple life. I love being home with my kids and have no regrets in taking 18 months of maternity leave so I will not have to go back till the end of December 2021. The work/mother balance is hard for me like I have mentioned many times before and I love being at home with my kids. I wish I could always be home with my kids or maybe just one day a week casual until they are all out of the home but we have been very blessed to have my income (even my employment insurance while on Maternity leave) as I am not sure how we would make ends meet without me (Chris is more of a hobby spender then me though I do like vacations). And besides, I feel like Chris is very indifferent to the topic of a Mother being in the home even if I think it is a very important job. But regardless of what I ramble about, I am so grateful to be a Mother. I was talking this morning to my dear friend Lindsey who is teaching in China right now, and I want so much for her to get married and be a Mother. I look up to her so much and feel like she would be a great Mother.

President Nelson is speaking now and I know that he is the Prophet of God and is inspired in what he says. These men just want what is best for us. They work hard spreading encouragement and testimony throughout the world because they love us and want us to have hope and eternal happiness. He just said this is the dispensation where no blessing will be withheld from the righteous. We should look forward to the future. We have divine potential. He tells us to embrace our "New Normal" throughout these difficult times. He announced some temples to be built and said that as "we build and maintain these temples, may we build and maintain ourselves". He tells us to prepare ourselves and the world for the second coming of the Savior. A powerful message.

I am so grateful for my life and my family. I am grateful for my warm home (even with the flies) and that I have my wonderful family near me. I am grateful for this fall season. It is such a beautiful fall, very warm and the leaves are changing colors slowly and it is so beautiful outside! It really is my favourite season of the year. I am grateful for conference and the peace and hope that the Gospel of Jesus Christ gives us. I know that life will not always be so simple and easy but I know that we can get through anything when we have faith in Christ. I have been so blessed.

Welcome little Elizabeth Anne Watters

Well, a new little girl, a perfect little Angel has joined our family. We feel so incredibly blessed for our children. 3 girls and 2 boys ( I dreamed of a family of 3 girls and 2 boys when I was young and wow!) This is her story:

We had set Friday June 19th as induction day. I knew towards the beginning of this pregnancy that I did not want to go to 40 weeks as I did not want to go into labour out on the farm. I was considering moving into Calgary a few weeks before my due date. I did not want bleeding complications ( like last time) out on the farm as well. Baby was also breech until 36 weeks. I believe I felt it turn the evening of my last day of work on May 31. Baby was measuring in the 95th percentile at 36 weeks and so we knew baby was big and would be okay coming before the due date. On Tuesday June 16th, after Chris had his school classes on Zoom, him and I left the farm at 2:00 and drove to Calgary for my 3:20 pm appointment at South Health Campus. It was good to have him at that appointment. She did not do as sweep but checked to see how I was and I was 3 cm and 40 % effaced. No contractions the week before but I had felt uncomfortable and had to pee a lot on the Saturday evening so I think that may have been when I dilated to 3 cm.

We had a beautiful date night on Tuesday evening where we went to a fancy (and expensive) steak restaurant near down town and then we went for a walk in the beautiful Princess Island Park. We had our engagement pictures taken there and it is a favourite park of Chris' as he used to work downtown and would walk there on his lunch breaks.

We stayed in the basement suite of my Michelle's house in Copperfield for 3 days and on Wednesday, I went for several walks around a pond by her house. We went out for supper again at a Thai restaurant and I got some spicy pad thai and some coconut based soup and a pineapple bubble tea (pineapple is supposed to help induce labour too). On Thursday, Chris had his last online teaching day in the basement of Michelle's house and then we went and shopped for bikes for Chris and then went and visited Kamille. I wanted Chris to get a bike for Fathers day but the kind he wanted was all sold out (everyone wants a bike now due to the pandemic and not being able to do other activities). We got some Popeyes Louisiana chicken for Michelle's family for lunch and we went for a walk by Glenmore reservoir (brings me back to walking to work at the Rockyview).

Friday was the big day. I was nervous knowing I was to be induced that day. We went to brunch at Coras at 1030ish and my emotions were getting the best of me as I was not sure if I was supposed to be eating so close to being induced but Chris reassured me the Doctor said I could have brunch. Then we went to memory express to get some things for Chris' computer project and then we went for a walk in the wetland area of Copperfield (which is a lot more finished then when we lived there). It was weird and nerve-wracking but very exciting knowing I was going to be induced and have a baby soon.

We got to South Health Campus a little before 2:00 (my induction appointment was set for 2:00pm). We went through the screening at the front door (which is routine for COVID now) and when we got to the unit they were very busy so they put us in triage and we waited for about half an hour there. I was hooked up to the monitors and things looked good. They found us a room about 2:30 pm and we ended up waiting about 3 hours (I tried to sleep and Chris did sleep) while we waited for someone to come in and get things started. They ended up letting me have supper and then the doctor came in and broke my water at 6:30 pm. I was still at 3 cm so no change in the last few days which makes sense because I was not having regular contractions. My Nurse started a saline locked IV at that time as well. My veins were horrible and she could not do it in two attempts but I know how it feels to miss IVs and I didn't care. It seemed like the end of the world for her which made me feel bad so note to self, do not feel bad when I do not get an IV in. The third IV got in so we were good to go.

Nothing was happening after that. I tried walking around the room (I was not allowed to walk outside of the room like last time due to the virus) and bouncing on the birthing ball while we watched, or rather listened too, The Sound of Music for the next 3 hours. We tried to get some sleep but it was hard to do so for me (not so much for Chris). Since nothing was happening, they started me on the Pitocin drip at about 9:30 pm (I was on the drip last time too). I only got up to 4 units/hour and I think last time it was 7 units per hour. I started having regular contractions within half a hour or so but I would still bounce on the ball, go to the bathroom frequently, talk to the nurse and walk around the room for the next hour and a half. About 1100 the contractions were pretty hard and close together and I was breathing through them while standing and gripping on to the side of the bed and instructing Chris to do hip squeezes (he did a good job). He was also smart and brought a fan and that helped me feel like I was getting more oxygen. At about 11:45, I was getting tired and could not imagine doing this all night long! I asked for an Epidural. The Nurse checked me and said I was a 5-6cm and that was discouraging for me so I wanted that epidural. But then things went quickly. I suddenly felt like I needed to push. My Nurse had just gone on break so another nurse came in and checked me and said I was a 6-7 cm. Then suddenly I really felt like I had to push. The doctor came in and checked me and I was 10 cm! This all happened within about 10 minutes and I was committed - no time for an epidural. They called people in and got the bed set up for pushing. I pushed about 3 - 4 contractions and I sure could feel the burning this time. I was making some weird noises. Baby's shoulder got stuck for 25 seconds and the resident pushed on my belly to pop her out. (They called for back up but did not need anyone thank goodness). And what a relief that was! She was out! She - they said it was a girl! I was so busy concentrating and closing my eyes that I did not realize they had put her on my chest. While they got the placenta out and stitched me up (2nd degree tare yet again), I held baby Elizabeth and tried feeding her. No issues there - she is a good eater. I had originally thought baby was a girl but in the last few months, I was thinking it may be a boy. We love our little Elizabeth! Born at 1217 AM on June 20th - 8 lbs 7 ounces, 19 and 3/4 inches long. Some dark hair and long fingers and toes.

I hardly slept that night. I cuddled and fed baby a lot. The nurse was in constantly pressing on my belly as I was bleeding more than I should. But a second bolus of Pitocin helped with that. Chris slept more than me but he was a big help changing diapers, texting family and cuddling baby so I could try sleeping. I was up to the bathroom quite a bit and showered in the middle of the night. Baby did not have a bath as that is something they have stopped doing in the hospital. Supposedly it is good not to bath a newborn very much.

We slept and cuddled baby throughout the morning. And after the pediatrician came in about 2:30 pm and the hearing test was done, we were allowed to leave the hospital at about 4:30 and we were home by 6:00pm - our shortest stay ever. The kids were excited to see baby Elizabeth. They had a sign that said "Welcome, Bizy Lizzy." Chris and I love Pride and Prejudice and will call her Lizzy from time to time as a nick name.

It is so good to be home with our Little Lizzie. And we are so grateful to Camellia, Mom, Dad and Doug for watching the kids while we were away. We feel so very very blessed in life. Welcome home, baby Lizzie!

The Waiting Game

Well, we are in the midst of playing the waiting game. Waiting for little one to arrive that is. I am super excited! I am also nervous for childbirth... but mostly excited. This pregnancy has gone fast. Probably because I have worked quite a bit during this pregnancy. It is 2:35 in the morning and I can't sleep. Typical for 3rd trimester in pregnancy. I do kick counts and baby is okay. I have been cramping a little bit but not too bad. I had a lot more with Selman the week before he was born. At my 3:20 afternoon appointment when we first came up to Calgary on Tuesday, Dr Mirazo said I was 3 cm dilated and 40% effaced. She also said she may see me before my induction date this Friday June 19 but I am not sure. She didn't do a sweep but I did feel crampy after the appointment while Chris and I went on a walk to Princess Island Park downtown as well as to supper at a Vintage steak house downtown (to celebrate Father's Day this coming Sunday. I also got him a bike helmet for Fathers Day as well as I got some treats for Nathan and my Dad). I love them all very much (even if I don't always understand guys).

We are staying at my friend Michelle's house. She lives in our old Calgary community of Copperfield and her home seems like a second home to me. I used to watch her 2 boys here at this house along with my kids during a couple of summers. I have also slept here a few times when I have worked a few shifts in a row the Rockyview this last year. They have a nice little basement suite. Chris is with me and I am listening to him snore beside. Perhaps that is partly why I am awake too. Chris is still doing 5 online classes a day with his students from Huntsville Elementary school (he has been working there since November after finishing working at Arrowood Hutterite colony) and did that yesterday and will again do so today for the last time as school is almost done. I like to listen to him teach. He is a good teacher and has always done well at teaching me things. It was fun to walk around Princess Island Park Tuesday evening. I went on some walks yesterday around a few ponds in Copperfield and that was fun too. We have been spoiling ourselves on this little getaway and we have eaten out several times including a Thai Food place this evening. We had spicey Pad Thai and coconut soup and bubble tea. Do you think it will help bring on Labour? We talked about our missions and enjoyed the rain falling outside. It was fun.

But I am missing the kids and I feel so lonely tonight even with Chris sleeping beside me. Camellia and Mom are taking good care of them at the farm and they are having fun with their cousins but Caeleb called me in tears this evening as I think he misses us. I miss them so much. I don't think I like getaways longer than one night away from the kids. I miss Caeleb's imagination about Disneyland/Avengersland and how he makes up Disneyland around the house, Elva's warm, caring, motherly heart and seeing her take care of the others and her love for Nana, Mary's spunk, seriousness yet silliness at the same time, and playing barbies with her and Selman's mischievous grin and mommy snuggles with him. I love my children! I want to be a better mother for them. I want them to feel of my love for them. I want them to know how special they each, individually are, and how much potential they each have. They will all go far in life and I hope that they all work hard to achieve their goals. I hope they all seek for spiritual things and put the gospel of Christ and his church first in their lives. Sometimes I feel so alone in teaching them spiritual things but I hope they can feel of my testimony and know how important it is for me to have spiritual nourishment. After all, there is so much more to this life and for the life to come. And by feeding ourselves spiritually, we understand more of the meaning of this life and of the life to come and that knowledge offers peace and hope. Perhaps, I am writing this because I want to work more on my spiritual health. I need to do better at reading the scriptures and Come Follow Me and pondering on spiritual things. Regardless of what others do, I need to be a better example to my children. I am going to try harder to be a better example to my children this summer. I want to make our spiritual health a priority. And I am excited to have a new little Angel, sent straight from Heaven, in our home. Newborn babies can see into Heaven, of that I am sure. They are so wise and know so much (thus is the reason they can not talk and share it all with us) and I am excited to have another sweet little spirit in our home. I feel so very blessed for that. Now to get through the next few days. I can be brave and take it all in stride. So bring it on! Now to rest up. Goodnight then.

Living life in a Pandemic

These last few months have been a bit crazy. At the end of January, my friend Lindsey who is teaching in China, told me about a virus that had shut down China. Schools had shut down there and she was off work indefinitely. The Coronavirus, or Covid-19, started in China but I never expected it to have such an impact on the world. It sure has. The weekend of March 14 and 15th, things began to change in Canada. The first cases of the virus were hitting Canada, Church was cancelled and then on Sunday we found out that in class school throughout provincial schools was cancelled indefinitely. Social distancing became a new and big concept for all of us. I will always remember the date because Pie Day was on the Saturday (March 14) and I made a cookie pie for Chris to take to school for his students and I was about to make more for him on the Sunday but then we heard the news and got the email from the school and the cookie pie was never needed. I was not scheduled to work the next week which worked out very well so I thought up a school schedule for the kids that Sunday night and we followed it for the week. I really enjoyed that first week with the kids. We kept pretty good to our schedule, we read more than we ever have, we went outside, we watched science and math youtube videos and did not have other screen time until 4:00 pm. It was a busy week but it went well and I enjoyed it. It only took Champion school that first week to get everything up and running online through google classroom. I was very impressed with how fast Champion got organized and how they started their online school. It has been great to keep a schedule. Since then, Monday to Thursday (and the odd Friday - following the usual 4 day week schedule), Elva has L.A at 9:00, Caeleb has L.A at 9:30, Elva has Math at 10:30 and Caeleb has Math at 1100. Each class in 30 minutes and online with the teacher and the other students. The kids also have one to one time with their teacher once or twice a week which is about 30 minutes as well. They have become experts on muting and unmuting themselves in class as well as joining the class videos after I sign them in. Mary, who started Champion preschool in November, was unable to continue with preschool as they cancelled it. But their preschool teacher is such a sweetheart and still reads to them online on Wednesdays at 1230 as well as sends them art projects to do every week. I think the online school has been very good for Caeleb and Elva. But it is not without its difficulties. The homework is hard to get done. They get an assignment in Math and L.A almost every school day and I have to be the bad mom and nag them to get their homework done. Chris has not been much of a help with this even with me nagging him to help and I feel very much alone. They almost never had homework before this and so this has definitely been a learning curve. Caeleb does pretty good getting things done with minimal help if I remind him several times to get it done but Elva is finding reading and writing hard and it is hard to sit down and get homework done. So that is a big struggle in our lives right now. But I am very proud of my kids and how well they have done with adapting to online school and with social distancing. They do well being at home. We have tried to get out once a week for a drive to Vulcan or Claresholm to go for ice-cream or a hamburger.

While a lot of people's lives have become more relaxed in the last few months due to being stuck at home, I feel like my life has become busier. It is true that we do not have to rush out the door for church on Sundays and I am not taking Elva to her dance class on Thursdays or Caeleb to his piano lessons on Wednesdays (though we did continue his piano on facetime every Wednesday till the end of May and it went pretty well). And we did not get to do baseball in Champion this spring. But life is still busy. Not only do I have to help the kids with homework and keep them busy at home, there has been more opportunity for me to work in Claresholm. I ended up dropping my Rockyview shifts (I may go back casual to Rockyview after Maternity leave depending on our finances) that I had scheduled due to my Claresholm manager not wanting me to pick up in both places (due to the risk of spreading the virus between sites). However, they have needed a Screening Nurse in Claresholm so I picked up 5 screening nurse shifts. I also picked up other shifts in Claresholm and have been working 12-14 shifts in Claresholm. I also had to find a different babysitter for the kids as their previous babysitter did not want to watch them during this pandemic. I was lucky that a Junior High school student neighbor who is a member of our church loved the idea of watching our kids when needed and we have paid her. I think lots of working families have used older students to help with childcare. Mom has also been a big help in watching the kids when I have had appointments. Thanks Mom! Chris had to go into his school like usual for the first few weeks but has since been working from home except on Mondays and the occasional Friday or so. And when he has worked from home, I would leave for work at 2:00 pm for my evening shifts so he would watch the kids afterwards and we would not need childcare for those days.

I have also still needed to make my trips into the city for OB appointments for baby. A couple of times, I have worked the evening before, then Mom has watched the kids while I have driven into Calgary for my appointment and then I would go to work in Claresholm after for another evening shift. Busy times! Work has been busy but my last days were Saturday May 30 and Sunday May 31st and now I am playing the waiting game until baby comes. I am feeling a tired and big and have some cramping but feel like I will hold on till induction date on June 19th. I am taking 18 months off of work and I am excited for that. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom (and like I have said several times - the work and home life balancing act is hard for me) and this will give me a bigger and longer taste of less complicated stay at home Mom life. In a way I will miss my job and helping my patients and I will forever feel that this job in Claresholm was sent straight to me from my Heavenly Father. He knew what I needed and what we needed as a family and it has been a huge huge blessing. We also feel very blessed as Chris has got a job at the middle school in Claresholm for next year teaching Science and Math for grade 7 and 8. It is temporary and not quite full time but we feel like it is the Lord guiding him in the right direction and that he is making steps towards a full time permanent position somewhere near our home. I believe in Chris and know that he is a great teacher. He has taught me so many things from Astronomy to lessons from the scriptures. These days, I love to sit at the bottom of the stairs and listen to him as he teachers his classes online in his office.

I will be induced on June 19th ( a week before due date) as I don't want to go into labour out on the farm and baby is measuring big. On my June 3rd ultrasound, baby was in the 95th percentile measuring 7 lbs 11 ounces. I have big babies, what can I say. I was breech and could feel the babies hard head move from side to side at that top of my abdomen for weeks on end - a weird feeling and I was always afraid to hurt the babies head whenever I pressed up against something. Then the evening after my last day of work (36 weeks), I felt some big movements and the baby must have turned head down because at the ultrasound on the Wednesday June 3rd, baby was head down. I have had 5 ultrasounds this pregnancy due to being part of a study for pre-eclampsia that I signed up for. I have been deemed low risk but have continued till the end with the study. We were going to have to deliver at Peter Lougheed due to South Health Campus becoming a Covid hospital but that has changed in recent weeks as the number of covid cases begin to lessen. It would have been interesting to deliver at Peter Lougheed as then we would have delivered at all the Adult hospitals in Calgary - Rockyview, Foothills, South Health Campus, Peter lougheed. But we love South Health Campus and it is closer to home so we don't mind this change at all. It is hard being pregnant with up and down emotions, aches and pains, tiredness and anxiety. But I love it all the same. I will enjoy each baby kick and movement and feel blessed for this opportunity once again.

The Covid restrictions are starting to ease off a bit as daily new cases fall in the province and we are allowed to gather in small groups. The kids and I went to Camellia and Doug's this weekend (Friday to Sunday morning) as well as Last Thursday and Friday before my last 2 days of work (Saturday and Sunday). We rode horses, had hot dog roasts, watched Fuller House on Netflix and the kids played well with each other. We sure love going to their beautiful home and seeing the Mountains and we enjoy talking and laughing and having fun with the cousins. We did not get to see them during the beginning of the Pandemic (except for meeting them at the church parking lot in Claresholm for a social distant Easter egg hunt before I went to work on Easter Monday). Now that we get to see them more, it is a real treat. We feel so blessed to have them in our lives.

Well, it is Monday morning now as I finish this and I best get Oh Canada, the Lords prayer (they do those two things in morning assembly at Champion school and so we carry on with it) and Scripture Study done with the kids before their classes start at 9:00. Until later then.

A Good Day

Today was a good day. It wasn't without its' struggles. But it was a good day because I was able to be at home with all my kids all day. It was a bit of a battle trying to keep the kids away from the TV and video games and "Marios" (as Selman calls it) but we did a lot of house work and had a lot of time together. Caeleb vacuumed and help me put away the laundry and Elva helped Mary clean her room and they all played with Selman while I puttered around and tidied the house. Selman helped me sweep the floor (such a big helper - te he he). We all made cookies together. We all went outside and the kids jumped on the Trampoline while I played with Laddy. It was beautiful out, Wet, Mucky, but beautiful - and no wind. And we had a movie night together and watched Goofy Movie 2 while we ate chicken nuggets and popcorn in the living room. And Selman thought it was a fun idea to have a popcorn fight.

I want to be a better Mom. I have had some good talks with Caeleb and Elva in the last couple of days. I want to be there for them and I don't feel like I have been there for them lately. Almost for the last year really, as I have worked quite a bit out of the home and the work/mom balance has always been hard for me. Even when I am not working, I feel like I am recovering from shift work or anticipating another shift. It is hard to work evening shifts as I feel guilty when I am not around them and I am not so sure Chris has the same standards as we when it comes to structure and spiritual care in the kids lives. It is hard to work Sundays as I love my Sundays to go to church with my family and be with them all day. I gave a talk in church last Sunday about putting important things first and it is causing me to think about how I can help my children grow spiritually, mentally, emotionally, socially and with all their many talents. I want them to feel of the hope that the gospel can bring. I want the Spirit with me and in our home. I want for all of us to develop a personal relationship with our Savior. I have been anxious lately - mostly about the pregnancy as per usual - but also about being the Mom that my children need. I want to be there for them at the crossroads in their lives (it was so good to be waiting for them at home after school yesterday, it seems like that does not happen enough), to be a friend, a confident, and a Mother that they can rely on and come too about any issue they may have. I am grateful that my mother was at the crossroads in my life. I am far from perfect but I love my children very much. I hope they know that.

I hope that Chris and I can make the right decisions with work and finances and that Chris can be provided with the right opportunities so that we can have a simple but good, balanced life, centered in the gospel.

Fall and Christmas 2019

Well, I really need to record our Watters family Fall and Christmas before I forget everything that happened. As is, this will just be a quickish overview of the last several Months. September is birthday Month in our house. Caeleb and Chris had their birthdays on September 14 which fell on a Saturday. We had about 8 boys from Caelebs class at school to celebrate with us. Caeleb's birthday was "Gravity Falls" themed and the boys played pin the something on something? from the Gravity Falls series and they had a piñata in the attic. The kids brought a toonie instead of gifts and we got Caeleb a couple of Gravity Falls books and items. It was a bit windy and chilly but we roasted Hot dogs outside at Nana and Papas and we had cake there as well. The boys took turns playing Lazer tag as we borrowed some from Lazer guns from Camellia and Doug. I picked up and dropped off many of the boys in Champion and after the drop off I had to continue on to Claresholm to work an evening shift. Mary's birthday was on September 19th and it was a beautiful day for a hotdog roast and Watermelon Barbie cake. She got a Barbie house - lucky girl. We wheeled it out from where it had been in the Quonset and she was excited for that.

Halloween was fun as usual. We had a Primary Autumm party on the Tuesday October 29th. It wasn't so much Halloween related but was focused on Old Fashioned Autumm activities - a Harvest Hoedown. The kids did wear there costumes. The games included bobbing for apples (sanitary version), shadow puppets, marble games, pumpkin carving. We had a pretty good turn out of kids from the community and this was great since our primary is so small and our community is so small. I would say it was a success and we hope to have another primary event that we can invite kids from the community in the Spring. Thursday was Halloween and the school had a carnival and then we went trick or treating from 6:00 to almost 9:00 hitting about 13 houses on and around the Alston road. We have to talk with all our neighbors and that is why it takes so long. Such is life in the Alston country community and I don't mind one bit. Caeleb and Elva dressed up as characters from Gravity Falls, Mary was violet from the Incredibles.

Chris and I celebrated our 10th anniversary on Friday October 25th (we were married on the 24th). Wow, we have been married for 10 years. I feel blessed to have such a great man who puts up with me when I struggle. I want to have an eternity more of years with him by my side. After Chris was done at work, we headed to Camellia and Dougs to drop the kids off so we could spent the night at Glacier Suites in Waterton. We had a small delay as Mary had an allergic reaction and broke out in hives all over her face and so we took her to Emerg in Fort Mecleod. But she was okay and we made it to our Hotel by about 6:00. We had a lovely supper and breakfast at the posh little restaurant in the hotel. We walked around Waterton to the Waterfall (It was cold and rainy/flurries) and we enjoyed our fireplace and little hot tub in our hotel room. The next day we went to the Remmington Carraige Museum in Cardston. We were about the only ones there and it was our first time back since we had our family dinner and wedding pictures there 10 years ago. We did a session at the Temple and then ate a a quaint buffet in Cardston before going back to Camellia and Dougs. We got up early Sunday morning and travelled back to Champion for church. It was the perfect way to celebrate our anniversary.

Elva turned 7 on December 3rd. Crazy to think she will be baptized in a year. We had a Frozen 2 themed birthday. She got a watermelon type game and a spy kit and we went and saw Frozen 2 in theaters the day after her birthday. I thought it was a great movie with wonderful music and a good message. Santa also sent us a dog the day before her birthday as an early Christmas gift. The kids call him Dasher but us adults mostly call him Laddy as we always have had and always need a Laddy on the farm.

We were spoiled this Christmas. The kids wanted and got a Nintendo Switch ($400) and the Mario Kart game and Zelda for it. I wanted and got a TV for Christmas as we have not had one since being married (We have always used our computer) and I want to have movie nights as a family and Chris spent a lot of money making sure it was high quality stuff (I would have got a cheap TV on kijiji myself). But Chris is an all or nothing type of guy and that is okay. We balance each other out. We got the Disney + streaming system and have been having a lot of family movie nights this snowy winter. I picked up several shifts over the holidays and worked New Years Eve (I made it home just in time to count down but Selman was crying so I lied down with him instead - then got up and watched part of a movie if I remember correctly).

I have been working 12-14 shifts a month on average lately which isn't too bad but I do need to stop working my 2-4 shifts a month at the Rockyview soon as the drive is getting to be too much. My goal is to work 8-10 shifts a month until my youngest is a teenager and then work more (maybe someday I can work as a Nurse Clinician as it is Monday to Friday day shifts) until Chris retires or until I am about 60 years old. Yah, I have pretty exact goals and I know situations arise that call for adaptations (like last summer when I worked almost full time and Chris was a stay at home Dad). But, I do know the value of a Mom in the home and it has always been a struggle for me to balance Mom and Work life so it would be better if I work a bit less right now in my life. I pray that we can budget and make it work.

We are expecting again! When we were at the Temple for our Anniversary, we both felt that we may not be done yet and low and behold, about a week later I started feeling sick and I knew exactly what that meant. I told Chris, "I bet you I am pregnant" and I was. We are excited to add one more to our family and we are due June 26. I have been sick as usual but the sickness mostly subsided around 15 weeks and although I am still feeling really tired (low Iron levels causing that) and very emotional, I am doing well and have been feeling baby kick. I had my 18 week ultrasound but we decided not to find out what the baby is. It will be a surprise but I think it will be a girl. We feel so blessed that we can raise these kids out on the farm surrounded by wide open spaces and a little town school to go to.

I love my Mom and Dad

Yesterday evening, I got to run across the yard to Mom and Dads to help with a few things. I grew up in that home and it still feels like home. I had the best childhood there and I feel the spirit there. I was able to visit with Mom and Dad and tuck Dad into bed with his "two feather pillow" as he calls it. I remember when he tucked me into bed and Camellia and I would "blow out the lights" while Dad would switch the light switch off. I remember on cold winter nights after skating lessons, Mom would have the blankets turned down and have a hot wheat bag there to warm up our cold toes. It was great to watch Mom and Dad interact last night. I hope Chris and I can have a strong relationship, like they have, through thick and thin. I felt so happy as I ran back through the snowy cold yard to our house - a contrast from how discouraged I was the day before. Life is full of its ups and downs but tonight was a simple yet wonderful up and I will cherish moments like these.

I know I need to update, but...

I know it is time to update the blog about birthdays, Autumn, Anniversary and Christmas but I am emotionally exhausted right now ( at 9:25 at night) and the rest of my family are asleep so I think I may go join them. It was a good Christmas but I worked 7 out of the 16 days that the kids and Chris had off and for some reason if felt like work took up most of my time after Christmas. So nothing was done around the house. But we did get down to Camellia and Doug's house for a few days after Christmas so that was fun. And we went to the neighbors skating party on New Years Day and we went tubing behind the neighbors quad on another day so we had fun. Nothing else really got down over the holidays - just a bunch of video gaming for Chris and the kids (we got a Nintendo Switch for Christmas) and Movie watching (Finished the Avengers series). I just wanted to vent my feelings right now. Most of the shifts that I work are evenings and I have been struggling to find balance between home life and work. I get to bed at 1:00 in the morning and wake up tired at 6:45 to get the kids and Chris off to school. I only work 12-14 shifts a month in total but it feels like too much for me and I often feel like a failure as a Mom. I feel like I have always had to be the one to focus on and make up the difference financially, spiritually, emotionally, etc in the last 10 years and at times I feel so overwhelmed and so alone and inadequate. I want to do well with scripture study and try to do so with the kids before they go to school as well as do Come Follow Me after school on the days that I don't work. I have not been feeling physically well since the beginning of November and have not been cooking balanced meals for my family or exercising, or leading my family well in scripture study and such. And I have been quick to get upset. And I have noticed that Selman's teeth are not doing well and neither are Caelebs. I know this post is negative and perhaps I should not vent here but I do know that it is good to talk things out and right now, I feel like this computer is who I can "talk" (write) too. I need to write it out and by doing so, write the positive as well and some possible solutions. I know that I need to have more faith in life even though through the last 10 years I have struggled to have faith in certain things (not spiritual things - more like family things). But I do have my New Years goals and one is to demonstrate more faith. I am going to quit my job at the Rockyview (I will continue my 2 day a week at the Mental Health Hospital in Claresholm). I have been there for more than 10 years and through all the struggles, anxieties and tears that I have had while working there, I have also met amazing people and had many amazing experiences and it has helped me grow so much. I only pick up 2-4 shifts a month now at the Rockyview but I find that I am starting to fall asleep on the 1.5 hour drives there and back and it takes a lot of my time and energy away from my family. It will be an act of faith to give up that job as job security is not a sure thing with Healthcare and Teaching at this time in Alberta but I know I need to have that little bit of faith. I know we will be blessed. I also want to keep a spiritual/scripture journal as I read my scriptures (I want to be more spiritually in tune). I want to make my home a Heaven on Earth by keeping it clean, tidy and simple (and having soft beautiful music playing at times). I want to keep a Veggie box in the fridge so that my family can get healthy options to eat. I want to keep on top of my Laundry (I was starting to do well at this before I started feeling sick). I want to keep electronics out of bedrooms. And I want to start eating a modified Ketoish diet with some cheat days. I want to do better with Family Home Evening and Scripture study (scriptures before school and Come Follow Me after school). I want to be a better Mother - I want to listen more to my kids and just be there for them and be in tuned to them. I want to just hold them more and not to be rushed when around them (except that is hard when getting them out the door for school and church). I hope those other goals with help with that last goal. Well, those are my goals. It will be a good year! I will think positive now and believe that it will be the best one yet!. I am listening to a pretty song by One Voice Childrens Choir called "I'm not Broken" right now and it is making me feel better. I have been so blessed in life.