Work was hard

Work was hard yesterday. No one died or got incredibly sick. But I had to send a patient off to acute psych. He had been at our center for 2 years. He was paranoid thinking we were all out to get him. He called the RCMP. We thought he was going to get aggressive as he threatened to do so, so we had one security and 2 peace officers there following him around, then 2 RCMP came and he was trying to tell them how we are at fault. So all these people were following him around the unit. Kind of funny when you think about it. 

Then a new nurse started telling how he did not think this was right and that we needed to help the patient and not send him away. That is what we have been trying to do! For 2 years. Nothing was making him less paranoid. This patient obviously needed a change. I tried to help the new nurse understand this but could have done better at that. 

I was charge nurse and was responsible for directing the whole thing so I earned my money yesterday I guess. Oh, and to top it off, a little mouse was running around the unit while we were sending the patient out and another nurse was able to pick it up and give it to me to take outside. 

My brain was foggy when I got home. I was irritable and stressed. I got upset with Chris and the kids. My brain is still foggy today and I can't stop crying. Working in mental health can strain ones mental health and I am a sensitive person. I often feel like I cant handle everything on my plate. For example I work this coming Thursday evening and then come home to be with the kids at midnight. Then I get up at 5:30 to go to a day shift. I am grateful for my Mom who helps me so much. I try to help her as well by helping to take care of Dad. Chris is gone for the week. He doesn't do anything when he sees me struggle with anxiety. He ignores me. It makes me feel distant from him. It probably would not be good for him to work in mental health. 

I think I am going to get to retirement one day, you know 60 or 65, and then wake up and be like, huh, Nursing isn't really for me. But until then I will keep plugging away. I have had many ups and downs in the profession and I need to focus on the ups as it is a blessing to have a good job! I will probably be working alot when my kids are all in school. Life is not cheap. And perhaps I enjoy vacations here and there. That is on me. 

When I retire, I think I will move to a small apartment with enough room or a park nearby so that my grandkids can come a play. I hope to visit them at their house. I want to live a simple life so that my transition to the next life won't be harder on my kids. I want to go for daily walks, walk to the library and get books to read during the day, and a movie to watch at night. I don't want to be a burden and I dont want my kids to have to tell me when it is too hard for them. They would be torn because they love me and want to help me but they have their own lives to live too. And I depend on them so much now while they are young - the older kids needing to watch the younger kids while I work. I know it is good for them to learn responsibility but I don't want them to feel taken advantage of. I never had to take care of younger siblings but my older kids do. 

I am getting on a tangent. 

It helps to write.

Just Elizabeth and Me

 It is a beautiful Thursday morning (Dec 14th). The 4 oldest are at school so it is just Elizabeth and me at home. She is playing in the bath at this time. She wanted to have a bath which is unusual for her. She usually fights it. It is so fun to listen to her play. She is so adorable. She is always talking and asking questions. She loves to play Barbies and  LOVES princesses. She is our little Princess and is still our busy Lizzy and I just love her so much. It is hard having kids grow up so fast so I try to hold onto what ever baby is in her. I also try to cherish all moments with my kids. 

Caeleb is turning into a fine young man. At 13 ( grade 8), he is entering the fun teenage age and I really think it is fun. He loves board games and basketball. He is such a good sport even when he doesn't get to play much or get the ball often. He is an optimist like his Dad and I am do grateful that he is. 

Elva (11 and in grade 5) is my little helper. She is the second mom in the home. Caeleb may cook the meals when I am at work (Mac and cheese and soup and cheese sandwiches) but she helps with the kids including putting the Littles to bed and comforting them. She takes piano and singing and does well at singing. She sang in the ward choir and the choral festival with me on Tuesday. I love her around. She is my friend.

Mary (8 grade 2) is the middle. And although she may get lost in it and have her moments of pessimism and anxiety, she is maturing so much! She struggles a bit with school but she is working hard and will get there. She is a friend to everyone and is ever so creative. I love to see her at her desk in her bedroom working on a craft. She is Nanas little helper and us always over there creating and helping. Oh, and she has her own sense of style. Overalls and a pony tale for every day of the week. Good thing Nana found her some new overalls as the old ones were worn right through. 

Selman (5 kindergarten) has a smile to light up a room. He loves technology such as video and computer games and is quick to figure things out. I think he will be like his Dad. He loves to have fun! And he loves school which is a bonus for me as Elva and Mary were not fans of going to school in Kindergarten. 

I love these kids so much and am grateful for them in my life. I watched one of my favorite movies last night. It is called "In the pursuit of Happiness". It helps put life into perspective. 

The sunrise was beautiful today and I feel so blessed to be alive.