Thoughts

I went for a beautiful walk this morning. It was cooler outside today with a bit of a wind. Very refreshing. I carried Lizzy in her carrier and pushed Selman in his chariot. It was so wonderful! The other kids were at school. As I walked, I had so many thoughts about life and how we are doing financially and in others ways. I have been thinking about that a lot lately. We are doing pretty well and I see the Lord's hand in our lives. I was thinking today about things that I would think about before I was married concerning life and being a wife and mother. I never knew if I would get married ( I never dated in High School and had only a few dates the first few years of University) and being the sensible person I have always been, and since I have always known how to work hard in school (I don't consider myself naturally smart, but I know how to study long and hard), I continued my education after High School. Since my grades were good, I got into University easy peasy. And I floated right along through the rapids of nursing school to become a Nurse. I figured at the time that I would probably live a simple life, maybe single, in a small home, with just a few cheap possessions and perhaps a few inexpensive hobbies (like Miss Honey from Matilda - "My house" from Matilda the Musical is one of my favourite songs). That lifestyle intrigued me and i felt at peace with it. But I was very blessed with finding Chris and we are happily married almost 11 years and we have 5 kids.

Working as a nurse the last 15 years on and off has been very challenging for me but during the last few years, I have been so blessed to gain so much confidence and knowledge. Before this Mat leave I was doing well in my career. But a career is not what I want. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mother. I have wanted so badly to feel valued in that calling. I know it is important. But the truth is, I don't feel valued in that calling at all and I don't really know if I ever will. My husband is indifferent to this subject and he likes to spend money on things so it helps to have two incomes. And I have adapted to his attitude and lifestyle and I have become a bit of a softy with my kids when they want things. We spend money on them and we buy things and go traveling when we can (Chris and I have been on a few nice trips in our marriage and we have taken the kids to Disneyland). My feeling of not being valued as a mother is very hard to describe and is so discouraging to me.

Sometimes I feel like we have derailed from the simple path in life. I have always wanted the simple path. Growing up I believe I was very easy to please. It is true that I wanted a horse and my parents got us some cheap horses and horse supplies when we were 11 but I did not need much else. We went on camping trips with our tent and we did go on a houseboat trip once and on a plane to Ottawa when my parents had a little extra money come in. But those were not the times that made me. It was the small moments - going to the mountains to get a tree, mom reading books to us, working outside with my family, a fire in the fireplace or hotdog roasts outside, simple Family Home Evenings, watching movies and reading books at home while snuggled up on the couch. I never had a car in High School but during University, my parents bought me what probably became the oldest car at BYUI at the time (1982 year - Old Blue was her name). They bought it when I panicked on how I would get to clinical during my second year of University and I was blessed to have that car and to have it start time and time again even after it would break down. Prayers sure worked for that car. I am grateful that my parents were able to help me out when they could. I worked hard to get scholarships and during my third and forth year of University while getting my Bachelors degree, I worked as a Nurse with an Associates degree. I did not spend much money at that time and I saved up Money to pay off student Loans and go on a mission. I am sure my Champion ward helped me with my mission as well and I feel very grateful for that.

When I married Chris, we had some unnecessary debt to pay off. I love my husband so much and we worked hard together to pay it off. I picked up every shift that I could and even got an extra little job for a month taking care of a man with epilepsy. We sold my car and I walked to and from work early in our marriage. Chris worked full time and started online university the January after we got married. I remember being so proud of us paying off the debt so soon but we were still "Starving Students" in my eyes as Chris had just started school and we would have a long road ahead of us with that. It wasn't long after paying off the debt that Chris wanted to get a camera that cost a few thousand dollars. It didn't make sense to me that we would do that being starving students but I love him and I went along with it. I think it was at that moment that it hit me that this would be the expectation for our marriage. Things and money would be important. (Now, I have things that I like too - going places and seeing the world - and that costs lots of money too and there just is not enough money for everything!) In general this realization made me sad. Chris loves his hobbies and he is good at them. He is amazing with cameras, computers, models and strategy model games. I admire that so much and am in awe with how much he knows. But we have struggled with seeing eye to eye in some things because my so called "hobby" was always to live a simple life at home with my kids (with some camping trips and some other trips thrown into the mix once in a while - ok, I do admit I like my vacations). But I always wanted to be at the cross roads of my kids' lives, to have time to ready myself emotionally and spiritually in order to be there for my husband and kids when they need help. I didn't want to feel stressed and stretched going from work life, to home life, to work life to home life. Not to mention the phone calls from work, wanting me to pick up extra shifts and pulling me in the work direction. And my Mom kind of pulls me in the opposite direction saying that she would be happy if I had a big family if I did not work and so I feel guilty having this many kids. This is the story of my life.  I have had such intense anxieties going to work where I have cried on the floor by my bed at night. It worsened postpartum but before going back to work after Selman was born, I got on some Anti-Anxiety/Depression medication and it really helped me. Overall, I feel so incredibly blessed to have my job in Claresholm and have seen the hand of the Lord in my life getting that job.

I love my maternity leaves and wish I could keep having them so I could be home with my kids. However, I don't feel like that will help me feel cherished and appreciated as a mother. I know deep down that I should not rely on external validation or appreciation from my husband or other people. Perhaps those feelings can and should only come from within me as it should not matter what other people think. Perhaps they can come through my diligence with prayer and meditation and through reading the scriptures. I pray that I can get a peace in my life and come to know that I am indeed cherished as a woman and a mother and that I am not just good for the money that I make. I know that one day I will not have these negative feelings and will perhaps feel like I wasted time and energy on feeling this way so I really need to try and change these thoughts and feelings daily. And I will! I have been blessed with so much and I want to be in a positive state of mind so that I can make the most of my blessings in blessing the lives of others.

For now, I pray that I can cherish my last Maternity leave and work hard to be the best mom that I can be which might be easier now since I do not have the stress of work. I want to be the type of mother that my kids want to talk too and confide in. I want to support them and be a guide for them as they learn to navigate life. I am grateful for this very important calling and I hope I can be be what my children need in a mother.