Raw Selfish Thoughts

It is funny how a few days ago I wrote a post about how I want so much to be and to feel cherished and appreciated by Chris as a stay at home mother. And now, I feel like I should be the one to work about 10 or more shifts a month and have Chris stay at home with the kids and substitute. Not that I don't want to be at home, it is just that I have seen Chris struggle with work this last week. And I have struggled with his struggle. I know without a doubt that Chris is a great teacher. He is able to teach me and the kids so many things about math, science, astronomy, etc. He is patient with us and can think of multiple strategies to teach us things that are hard to comprehend. I imagine he is the same way teaching the grade 7 and 8s in Claresholm. But they are a tricky group of kids and he has some very hard students that are hard to control in a classroom setting. I know he is doing his best but I imagine it takes time to learn classroom management strategies in such cases and he is down on himself and in general and his thought are only about school these days. Even when I planned an early 11th anniversary breakfast and biking trip in Waterton last Saturday morning, I could tell his mind was elsewhere almost the entire time. He was and still is stressed. Today, Thanksgiving day (well yesterday now as it is 1230 am Tuesday now), he spent most of the day in his office working on school stuff. He took about an hour break to help Mom and Dad with some things at their place but he did not go for a bike ride, or join us for a baseball game outside and he worked well into the evening. I am selfish. I want his time, his thoughts, his words. It is hard to see him like this. So much of our marriage has been him working in his office whether it is doing computer work for his family's company, doing IT support work all hours of the day, doing school work while at University and now, preparing school work for his classroom.

For my job, I have to do some yearly competencies and I have to renew my CARNA registration every year and read my emails but it does not take too much time. Chris and I get paid about the same right now as we have part time positions. Maybe I should go back to work with my 0.42 position with a little extra and he could pick up casual as a teacher (so as his planning time will be limited) and we could live a simple life and hang out with each other and the family a lot more than we are doing right now. Or maybe I should just hold on and know that things will get better with Chris and his job. He will be blessed and get to a point where it gets easier and he will be present more in our life. Until then, I will believe in him and pray for him and try to be strong and patient.