Judgment Day

This is how I think other Christians think of me right now. I know it is dark. But it has been how I am feeling lately. Don't worry about me though. I am happy most of the time. Family life is great. Work is great. Church is great. Life really is wonderful. But when I allow myself to think about how some Christians think about my faith right now, my thoughts lead me here. 

Judgment Day 

It is Judgment day. I have been waiting for this day for what feels like forever. I lived my life full of hope and faith. I felt God's love for me, I felt peace, I tried to follow Jesus in the way I knew how. I was far from perfect, I was a wretched sinner, but I was trying to do the best I could under the circumstances of my life. Then I died and all the love was taken away. For what seems like a thousand years now, all I have known is darkness and confusion. There seems to be nothing out there. I am alone, afraid, in pain.

But today is Judgment Day. I see a light growing in the distance. There is a man walking towards me. It is Jesus! He looks exactly like I always imagined him to be. I feel the love and hope and peace coming back again. It has been so long since I have felt these feelings. 

"Lord," I say. "Are you here to rescue me? Please, I am so alone, I feel so dark." 

Jesus looks at me sadly and shakes his head. "No," he says quietly. "You are not one of mine. I do not love you". 

I weep openly. "Please Lord. I tried in my life. I know I am a sinner. But I had hope, I had faith, even though it was not perfect. That faith was a power in me to do good to others, to love others, and I felt bad and tried to repent when I did wrong. I chose to seek for the spirit, to believe in all truth and this belief led me to trust you. I am so grateful for your Atonement for me. It and you are everything to me. Lord... I love you."

Jesus looks into my soul and it stops me from uttering another word. He says "I know you are sincere in what you believe, I know you love me and that you tried to follow me, I know you had faith in me". He pauses, "but you did not believe the way you needed to in order to be saved. Your faith is not saving faith and you are not good enough for me. I do not know you. " 

I feel my body fall to a heap on a surface as I weep openly. Wait! I have a body again. I look at it. It is new, perfect. I look at the Savior, tears streaming down my face. I have a tiny bit of hope. 

"Go" he says and he points down a path. I get up and move down this path. I will go anywhere he asks me to go. It is a comfort to feel my body again. Oh, how I have missed it! As I venture down this path, I see people off to the side. I recognize them. They are my friends, fellow followers of Christ, even though they never considered me to be a fellow follower. I feel hope again as I look at them and reach out to them. Each one of them looks at me, and then turns away, back to the golden tables behind them, full of food and drink. Some look at me as though they have no emotion at all. Some point and laugh at me. Some of them look at me with a look of recognition, that they may know me, but have forgotten me. They all eventually turn away for good, never to look back. They walk towards Christ and I continue down the path that I was told to go on. As I go, the sliver of love, peace and hope that I had felt when I met the Savior, fades away into nothing. I stop and turn around. There is no more light behind me. There is no light in front of me. The terrifying darkness envelops my body and I sit in the void, once again confused, hopeless, alone and scared. There is nothing but black, not even the smallest sliver of light. No one comes to rescue me.