Work was hard

Work was hard yesterday. No one died or got incredibly sick. But I had to send a patient off to acute psych. He had been at our center for 2 years. He was paranoid thinking we were all out to get him. He called the RCMP. We thought he was going to get aggressive as he threatened to do so, so we had one security and 2 peace officers there following him around, then 2 RCMP came and he was trying to tell them how we are at fault. So all these people were following him around the unit. Kind of funny when you think about it. 

Then a new nurse started telling how he did not think this was right and that we needed to help the patient and not send him away. That is what we have been trying to do! For 2 years. Nothing was making him less paranoid. This patient obviously needed a change. I tried to help the new nurse understand this but could have done better at that. 

I was charge nurse and was responsible for directing the whole thing so I earned my money yesterday I guess. Oh, and to top it off, a little mouse was running around the unit while we were sending the patient out and another nurse was able to pick it up and give it to me to take outside. 

My brain was foggy when I got home. I was irritable and stressed. I got upset with Chris and the kids. My brain is still foggy today and I can't stop crying. Working in mental health can strain ones mental health and I am a sensitive person. I often feel like I cant handle everything on my plate. For example I work this coming Thursday evening and then come home to be with the kids at midnight. Then I get up at 5:30 to go to a day shift. I am grateful for my Mom who helps me so much. I try to help her as well by helping to take care of Dad. Chris is gone for the week. He doesn't do anything when he sees me struggle with anxiety. He ignores me. It makes me feel distant from him. It probably would not be good for him to work in mental health. 

I think I am going to get to retirement one day, you know 60 or 65, and then wake up and be like, huh, Nursing isn't really for me. But until then I will keep plugging away. I have had many ups and downs in the profession and I need to focus on the ups as it is a blessing to have a good job! I will probably be working alot when my kids are all in school. Life is not cheap. And perhaps I enjoy vacations here and there. That is on me. 

When I retire, I think I will move to a small apartment with enough room or a park nearby so that my grandkids can come a play. I hope to visit them at their house. I want to live a simple life so that my transition to the next life won't be harder on my kids. I want to go for daily walks, walk to the library and get books to read during the day, and a movie to watch at night. I don't want to be a burden and I dont want my kids to have to tell me when it is too hard for them. They would be torn because they love me and want to help me but they have their own lives to live too. And I depend on them so much now while they are young - the older kids needing to watch the younger kids while I work. I know it is good for them to learn responsibility but I don't want them to feel taken advantage of. I never had to take care of younger siblings but my older kids do. 

I am getting on a tangent. 

It helps to write.