Can't sleep

I can't sleep tonight. It is 3:49 in the morning. I worked Float RN in Emergency yesterday. I didn't eat, go to the bathroom, have a break, barely sat down (only to do an IV), for 8 hours. I did an IV, failed at 2 other attempts, did 2 ECGs, triaged many many people, did a dressing change, admitted a patient to the unit, did a urine test, gave a tetanus shot, gave other meds, started blood, etc etc. I felt like an idiot several times and did not feel like the asset to the team that I so desperately want to feel. Emergency is hard. There are a lot of sick sick people who pass through there. We had a chain saw injury and a table saw injury, GI bleeds, heat stroke, diabetic crisis, etc. I find it fascinating but do not feel like I am enough. I came home to a family I love and the kids were all over me as soon as I set foot in the door. I will miss that some day. And my brother needed a shoulder to cry on tonight. He is having a hard time and I feel deeply for him. I cried too. I wish I could take all the pain away from him. I love him. I have 10 more shifts at my acute care site. Then I will stick to my mental health nursing for now. I would like to take more training someday. A course in nursing. I was thinking it might be fun to end my nursing career the same way I started it. At a step down NICU. I worked in the little NICU in Rexburg Idaho 18 years ago and maybe I could someday work 12 hour shifts at the South Health Campus at the south end of Calgary. I was talking to NICU nurses there when I took my Connect Care training in February/March. We just launched this new computer system at the mental health facility I work at and I love it. We have had it for a year at the other hospital I work at. Anyways, back to NICU nursing. It is specialized so I would definitely take a refresher course in it. I love to learn and I love those little babies. It is a focused area and not the overwhelming knowledge base needed to treat hundreds of different Emergency cases. 

I have been humbled time and time again in my career, often not thinking I am good enough. If I can teach my kids anything from this, it would be to use your experiences to learn to have empathy for ALL people. We can use our hard experiences to learn this. That is what life is all about, I think. To learn to love in a state of being (with bodies) where we can learn pure and true love and empathy. Because none of us are perfect. The harder life is, the more we can relate to other people and learn empathy for them. I believe the Savior had perfect empathy. 

Lately I have been distracting myself by continuing to listen to other peoples beliefs. It has strengthened my own belief system. I truly believe that we are here on this earth to learn to love ALL people with an eternal love. To help God bring to pass his eternal goal which is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. This life is so short! If there is an after life, we are here to learn to love all people not just for this life but for that afterlife even if it is not all sunshine and rainbows in that afterlife. Even if it takes more learning and growth. It might be hard but it is worth it because we will be helping God fulfill his purposes. God loves all people. And his love is eternal! This eternal perspective helps me get through day to day. It is living for something beyond. I wish others could see what I see and understand what I understand. There is so much more out there then walking on streets of gold and building your own mansion for eternity. We work hard learning and loving in this life, why would it be different in the next? 

Well, I should try to go back to sleep.  I keep meaning to do an update about Christmas and after. Life has been busy. We are plugging along and hoping that Chris has a job for the Fall as he is just subbing for now. His contract at Milo ended the end of February and he is picking up on average 2-3 subbing shifts a week now. It means less stress for him and more stress for me. I am working 3-4 shifts a week. We went out to Victoria for Spring break and it was so lovely seeing the Watters family. I love them so much. And I love my Smith family here at home. Mom works so hard taking care of Dad and making the yard look so beautiful. I help with Dad too where I can. We love them very much. There has been a lot of smoke from wild fires up in northern Alberta and we are praying for those affected by them. I feel for them. Our air quality in Alberta last week was awful. The skys were gray from smoke as the wind drove it in our direction. But it is beautiful outside now. The grass is green, the lilacs on the bush outside are starting to come out. I love the smell! The birds are chirping outside as I type this. It is almost morning. And we had our first thundershower a week or so ago which I love. They make me giddy and a little scared. It was not a lot of rain but it was something and the crops are starting to come up a bit. Life is good. The simple things in life are beautiful! And loving others makes life all the better.