After many weeks of sunshine then snow, alternating daily, I think spring is here to stay. Mary and I have been going for many walks in the fields and today we walked in the warm rain and it was beautiful.
It has been a stressful couple of months starting this new job. I even cried one day to my manager (about a mistake I did) and today I begged Chris not to make me go. Sounds childish but I have anxiety and my medication doesn't seem to be helping much right now. It doesn't help that I am working alot more than Chris. I even missed most of General Conference as I worked that weekend.
I crave being at home with the family but I am almost working full time this month between Vulcan and Claresholm and I just finished 8 in a row, then 1 day off and now 4 in a row. I am off to Calgary tomorrow for a class.
Alot is expected of me and I feel like I am under the microscope and let my team down day after day as I struggle to get through. Everyone is so busy and no one cares too much about being a mentor. I was thrown into being charge nurse 3 days after my orientation ended. I am doing dressing changes, catheter exchanges, accessing IVADs, blood work, HDCs, and doing alot of case management, all while navigating this bizarre connect care system for home care. I took care of a palliative patient my 4th day by myself and had to walk her husband through giving her medications into her skin. He was having a hard time with little rest, she was struggling with pain and agitation. It was hard. I hope I helped them when they needed it most as she passed onto the next life. Wish I could have debriefed more.
Today I traveled alot for work. To Milo, then back to Vulcan and then towards Nanton.
I took a online RAI class 3 days last week. Now I will be doing 2 hour longs assessments on my clients and analyzing the outcomes. This case management stuff is no joke. But if I can just get through this first year, I think I will get used to it and be set for the next 20 years. I have imposter syndrome though, which means I constantly think I won't make it, that I am not good enough.
It was a breath of fresh air working at the Center on Saturday. I love it there and it will be my back up plan. And Elva came with me to the fire hall as she passed her bronze medalion last week at the claresholm pool (over spring break) and so had a first aid class this weekend so she can do her bronze cross coming up.
People tell me to make nursing part of my identity. I am trying. Honest I am! In reality, being a caregiver to my parents and brother and Chris and kids is more a part of my identity. It is why I felt like we needed to move out here (for my parents). But I will keep trying day after day, week after week and year after year, to make it part of my identity. Maybe I will see the whole picture in retrospect, and my struggle will all make sense.
I will keep struggling away. I best rest for an early start tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment