Lizzy is having a nap on the bed so I am going to write. When I went to help Dad this morning, Mom and I got talking about the state of the world. It seems like we live in such a complicated world. I was watching the movie called "sweet land" the other night which paints a picture of a young couple in the early 1900s who lived on a farm, lived a simple life and worked together day after day planting, harvesting and maintaining their farm. It was such an appealing movie, and I love that my parents have been able to spend almost 50 years together working their farm (and yard and now enjoying a simple retirement of sorts -well Mom still works hard in the yard).
I have to work this evening. Work has been bugging me almost daily for the last few weeks to work. I had it good for a while (the last 6 to 9 months) where they were not bugging me as much. But we have lost a lot of staff in the last month, so... they get desperate. Nathan will watch Lizzy for an hour to cover the gap between me leaving and Chris getting home and I will pay him a little. I love to watch him be an uncle! But... I won't see Chris this evening or the kids.
I watched a little clip on Instagram just now about "the two income trap" and how past generations did not see this trap coming. We live in a world, where, unless you make $150000 a year or more (doctor, lawyer, successful business owner, financial investment planner, etc), it seems to be hard to pay for a mortgage, food, family, etc. And that is living a modest lifestyle too! Please tell me, am I right or am I missing something? We live a modest life style and both Chris and I work. It is hard to make ends meet for us as I just work part time. I do have to say though, that we just got back alot in tax return so we are feeling very blessed as we save for buying a newer vehicle a few years from now (we drive ours into the ground).
Years ago, there was the "women's movement", where mothers wanted to work outside the home, and it created a snowball effect where the more money made in a family, the more prices increased, making it necessary to make even more money in a family. Chris just told me (yes, he texted me while he was at work and I was so excited about it), that he thinks this is why previous prophets in the church told mothers to stay in the home. It hit me like a ton of bricks. THAT was revelation! The world did not listen. So now women are paying the consequences for it, with an increase in the workload and pressure for women trying to do it all, men being confused or lazy and not keeping up to increased responsibilities to help out in the home because they do not multi task as well as women in general, increased MENTAL health issues, AND an increase in women led divorce rates. It is so sad to me!
So, Mom said this morning, "Maybe the Savior will come soon." I am excited for General Conference this weekend (I can watch 4 out of the 5 sessions - yeah!! but I have to work Sunday afternoon - booo). I hope we learn more about what we can do to prepare for the Savior's coming. I hope it is soon!
PS. Something else on my mind. I wrote this email in October of 2017. It is interesting to go through past emails or letters to see if perspective has or has not changed. We had a lot of stresses then and we still do. BUT! Reading this email has taught me that even though we all have many stresses throughout life, we do not need to give up. We can have many good times too! It is important to keep plugging away through it all. Developing faith and gaining experience is what life is about. That being said, although I am a pessimist/realist, I choose to feel confident that Chris will get a permanent contract for Vulcan this Spring! It has been a hard year for him, but I think he will be ok. I feel happy when I choose to be optimistic.
Hello family,
I can not sleep as I am thinking so much and I figured that I should record my honest thoughts. As Mom, Dad and Chris know, I had a horrible day at work. I really struggle with my job and the tough experiences that I have there make me anxious to keep going to work. I want so much to be a good nurse but I really struggle and please don't pretend that I don't. I know I go through my ups and downs but I am always anxious to go to work and even though I only work 2 days a week, it is constantly weighing me down. And as all of you know, I take this anxiety/stress out on all of my family and create a not so happy home. I don't want that for anyone!!!
I have been feeling at my limit these days. I feel like I have a husband that depends on my income to make ends meet and provide for his hobbies. I have 3 kids that need me to hold it together and keep this household running smoothly and keep the spirit in the home, I have a baby on the way and I feel like I am solely responsible for the safety and health of this little one and I worry that my stress can effect him. And I want him to come into a loving secure home! (I worry about my brother who is with us...and these cats we are taking care of for a friend add to the stress). I feel so weighed down!
But what may be surprising to you is that the thought of the future only adds to this stress. I know I need to be more optimistic but when I look into the future, I see more and more stress. I see us fixing up Grandma's house and having a big rent/mortgage to pay as well as making sure it is done right so that we are not faced with more debt because of big future fix ups. And will we be good enough tenants for Mom and Dad. Will we be able to make things work with them? And then we will be paying off a $42000 student loan. We will need 2 vehicles on the farm as well as there is no transit and I know Mom and Dad always had 2 vehicles. And as our kids get older, their financial and emotional needs will increase and I want to be a strong support to them! Initially Mom did not seem to be happy that I was pregnant (I think she thought I was irresponsible at having a 4th kid while Chris was in school) and sometimes I let myself think that she was right.
I see a complicated life, where Chris is subbing because we live at the farm and he is having trouble finding a permanent or even temporary job in the area. And I will once again be needing to make up the difference by working as a Nurse. And where will I work? Will I continue to commute to my current job even though I am stressed out already and a long commute may add to that stress. Would I really do well at the Vulcan hospital because I cringe when I think about working as a Nurse in a community that knows me. Should I loose my status with AHS and work for the Extendicare which is not apart of AHS and is not unionized.
A big part of me just wants to go wherever Chris finds a good secure job even if it is way up in northern BC. But I also want to be here for my family! I would love to see Grandma's house fixed up but sometimes I think that it would be great if anyone lived in it (not just us). And as mom says, it is just a house. I am torn! I am scared of the future. I know I need more faith!!! It scares me that in my marriage, I have been the one to make things work out financially. It is going to continue to be like that?
More than anything I want to be a good mother and wife living a simple life, strong in the gospel, keeping the spirit in my home, finding that I am no longer at my limit but that I once again have the strength to serve and love without limit. I am humbled to say that I can not cope well these days and that it affects my family - every single one of you! I am so sorry about that! I don't really know what else to say. I can't think of any solutions right now. I know that I need to trust in the Lord, knowing that everything will work out and that I will look back on life and wonder why I thought it was such a big deal.
And so I just plug along with my anxiety and stress and I feel like crying much of the time, and feel on edge much of the time. I just feel down. Sharing my feelings has helped lift some of this weight tonight. I hope it does not stress you out too much.
Anyways, thanks for reading,
Love Katherine
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